First To Fall. Carys Jones

to me and there was no way I was going to leave her. She was all I had.’

      Aiden was listening intently but Brandy stopped again.

      ‘Before I carry on, you must promise me something.’

      ‘Sure.’

      ‘You must not pity me, Mr.Connelly. I know I didn’t have the best upbringing and a part of me hates my Ma, hates her for not having the strength to cope without a man by her side. But no good ever came of pity. Maybe how things were then is why I’m sitting here today, but I’d rather you left here having learned something than pitying me.’

      ‘It can’t have been easy but I don’t pity you,’ Aiden lied, feeling guilty of how easy and sheltered his own childhood was.

      ‘Sometimes she would make me go collect drugs for her, I didn’t realise what was going on at first. Then, as I got older, men started to look at me more. I got breasts and a butt and Ma realised that she could use me as currency to get drugs.’

      Aiden felt his breath catch in his throat as he took in what she was saying.

      ‘I’ve blacked out the worst of it. Thanks to Father West, he helped me make sense of it all. But what with taking care of Ma and everything else, I just stopped going to school. I tried to keep it up as much as I could but, well, I dropped out at fifteen. Of all the things I have done in this life, leaving school is what fills me with the most shame.’

      She wiped a stray tear that had fallen down her cheek.

      ‘God is testing us you see. Life is just one big test and I would hate to think that I had failed. At fifteen things looked really bad. I didn’t know what I was going to do with my life. That’s when Ma found out about the Little Miss Southern Star pageant. The prize money was $10,000. With that kind of money we could buy a house and finally have a proper life. She signed me up and I was really excited. We both were. She started doing my hair pretty and showing me how to wear make-up. I just loved that she was finally taking notice of me and seemed to be drinking less but, looking back, she was only bothering with me because she saw that I could make her some money. Still, she was acting like a mother and I was determined not to let her down.

      ‘Miss Southern Star is open to girls from all the Southern States aged between sixteen and nineteen. The main competition was just two days after my sixteenth birthday so I only just made it in. The first few rounds went by in a blur. It seemed unreal when I made it to the final. The local paper interviewed me, I became a local celebrity! I was so excited about representing Avalon. My dress was beautiful; pink satin with sequins. The church held a fundraiser to help pay for my various costumes, but that dress, it just took my breath away. It was by far the nicest thing I had ever owned.’

      As she spoke about the competition, the colour returned to Brandy’s cheeks and the light within her began to glow again. It was clear to Aiden that this had been a very happy time in her life.

      ‘I was so nervous the day of the finals, I couldn’t eat a thing. I threw up twice on the way there! Ma cussed me and said it was important that I kept my nerve. She told me that as long as I got up on that stage and kept smiling that everything would be all right. There were so many people there, it was crazy. I felt so special in my pink gown, with Ma there cheering me on. She had even started to drink less; I think that with the attention we were getting in town she didn’t want to ruin it all by her problems coming out. I even started to have this daydream that my Dad would see me in the papers and come find me and make Ma happy again.

      ‘In the end there were three finalists. I can still remember their names; Andie-Mae Watkins from Georgia. She was so pretty with green eyes and the reddest hair, like fire. And Kaitlin Banks, can’t recall where she was from. She had black hair and the whitest skin. She reminded me of Snow White. Then there was little old me. Those two girls were so stunning; I never dreamt that I could possibly win. When they read out my name as the winner I thought that I was going to faint with joy! It was amazing! I can’t tell you, Mr. Connelly, just how glorious it felt. It was like every birthday and Christmas at once. They put this gorgeous crown on my head; it was so delicate, made of gold with emerald stones in it. Oh, and the sash. Looking down and seeing Miss Southern Star written across me, well, I broke down and cried. Ma had told me that no matter what, I mustn’t cry as I’d ruin my make-up but I couldn’t help it. It was just all too wonderful.’

      For a moment, Brandy was lost in her memory. Back there on the stage, engulfed in the deafening rumble of applause. A thousand tiny lights sparkled before her, the flash of a camera forever capturing her elation. Then her happiness began to fade once more as the memory gave way to the present.

      ‘I was so amazingly happy. Ma was so proud, I thought that I had it made,’ she told Aiden. ‘But then…’ Her voice broke off, wracked with emotion.

      ‘What happened?’ Aiden asked softly.

      ‘After I won, the officials wanted documents, you know, to verify everything. I had always failed to produce my high school diploma you see. On account of the fact that I never got it. However, I’d lied on the application. I guess I wanted to enter so bad I never thought that it would matter that I had dropped out of school. I was stupid enough to believe that all they cared about were my looks. But it mattered. It mattered a lot. Apparently I was an unsuitable role model to be Miss Southern Star and because I lied, I was disqualified. They stripped me of my crown, it was the worst moment of my life. The shame, it was unbearable. Everyone in Avalon turned against me, calling me a liar and a cheat. I couldn’t walk down the street without people yelling cruel things at me. I wanted to leave but I had nowhere to go.

      ‘Ma took it worse than everyone else. She started to hate me. She told me I’d ruined the last chance we had at happiness. She stopped talking to me and just drank all day and did drugs all night. She was a mess. I didn’t know what to do, so in desperation I turned to Father West. I hadn’t been to church in a long time; I was too ashamed to face everyone there. But Father West, he reached out to me and offered me kindness that only someone close to God could. I had no choice but to tell him about Ma.’

      Brandy held her head in her hands, her fingers digging into her scalp.

      ‘You have to understand, Mr.Connelly, I could not cope with her any more. She was going to die!’

      ‘I understand, Brandy. So what did Father West do?’

      ‘He took her away. Her problems were so bad that she had to be sanctioned. I tried to visit her a couple of times but she always refused to see me. Then, the last time I went, they said she had been discharged. I’ve no idea where she went. Apparently she met another addict in there and went to live with him. I kept hoping her anger would subside and she would come see me, or at least write, but she never has. I’ve no idea where she is to this day.’

      She sat up again and sighed deeply, her face pained with regret.

      ‘So it was just me, in the trailer. I got a job at the florist, helping arrange flowers and that. I kept myself to myself. I felt that everyone always kept me at a safe distance, by now everyone knew about Ma’s troubles and I think that they assumed I was trouble too. I had no friends, no family. It was a lonely time. I met Brandon just after I’d turned seventeen. I couldn’t believe it when he started talking to me. He was the local hero, I felt like the local whore. He was so handsome and popular, he took me to parties and because I was with him people started to talk to me more.’

      ‘Time’s up,’ the guard to the left of Brandy suddenly informed them.

      ‘That is fine.’ Aiden began collecting together his things. ‘We will continue this another time.’

      Brandy nodded sadly, still overcome by the painful emotions of her past.

      ‘Sharing pain does not ease the burden you carry, it just makes others hurt,’ she said wistfully as she was being escorted out.

      The main church in Avalon stood proud opposite the local hair salon. It was a modest building; the windows were not made from stained glass and the fence around the front had seen better days. It reminded Aiden of a well-loved toy, the cracks that appeared