Wishes Under The Willow Tree. Phaedra Patrick

Turquoise

       healing, friendship, communication

      Benedict caught the bus to Applethorpe Hospital and hoped that Cecil was okay. He rested his hand on his chin and stared at the green hills rolling past, but his daydreams soon turned to more unsettling thoughts. I wonder if Lawrence Donnington has any children, he mused. He looks virile, like he only has to glance at a woman to make her pregnant.

      Benedict walked towards the rows of low stone buildings that reminded him of army barracks, through the entrance gates and past the maternity building. The windows of the middle floor were dotted with pink and blue helium balloons. They bobbed at the windows like blank faces. A baby cried out and Benedict stood still for a minute and listened. A wave of sadness overwhelmed him and he dug his hands into his pockets. The cries were a sound he might never get to hear.

      He and Estelle had visited the antenatal clinic here often, for their tests and scans. Many times they had gripped hands tightly as they pulled open the heavy glass doors, took a deep breath and prepared themselves to hear the latest results, delivered with ever-increasing sombreness by the doctors and nurses.

      All the posters on the waiting-room walls were aimed at women who were pregnant or who had given birth … don’t smoke when you’re expecting, breastfeeding is best, cut down on sugar, check your gums…but there was nothing for anyone who couldn’t get pregnant. That was like a secret, hidden away so as not to mar the happiness of those who could have children. It was only when you entered the realms of being unable to get pregnant that you heard the devastating stories of couples trying for years to have a baby, of miscarriages and of stillbirth. They were the tragedies that you might read about in a magazine and think that they happened to others and that you were okay, because you were one of the lucky ones. Then came the dull, creeping, painful realisation that you weren’t.

      And so with every visit, each appointment, each consultation, each reassuring hold of each other’s hands, Benedict and Estelle learned that it was unlikely, very doubtful, they would ever be parents. What once was a possibility became uncertain and then improbable. And even though they sat with their fingers interlocked, Benedict felt very much alone, and suspected that his wife did too.

      Estelle used to pore over leaflets and read out statistics to Benedict. ‘Around one in seven couples struggle to get pregnant… That’s 3.5 million people in the UK,’ she said. ‘It’s not just us. I feel like a failure, but there are others too.’

      Benedict often looked in the mirror and wondered what was going on inside his body. He was like a clock that looked simple on the outside, but inside was a multitude of cogs, tiny screws and workings, and if just one was wrong, out of place, then the clock wouldn’t work. Except that no one could ever find his bloody faulty cog, to fix it.

      In the hospital car park, a man strode across, his face half obscured by a huge bunch of pink roses wrapped in cellophane. He grasped a bottle of champagne tightly around the neck. ‘I’m a dad,’ he announced to Benedict. ‘My wife’s just had a little girl. It’s brilliant.’

      Benedict said congratulations. It was so easy to imagine that Estelle might be in hospital, in bed on the maternity ward, holding their baby. He could almost feel the curl of tiny fingers around his own.

      ‘I can’t believe it. Me, a dad,’ the man repeated. ‘It’s the best feeling in the world.’

      ‘Well done,’ Benedict muttered, his heart feeling heavy. He pressed on and looked for the sign for Cecil’s ward.

      Benedict had expected Cecil to be loafing around in his lilac silk pyjamas, entertaining the nurses with his stories about Lord Puss. He hadn’t considered how weak and tired his friend might look after his operation. It was as if Cecil had been replaced by a paler, skinnier version of himself, even though his hair was still coiffed into its budgerigar quiff.

      ‘Benedicto.’ Cecil waved from his bed.

      Benedict walked over. He gave his friend a brief hug then sat down on the plastic chair at the side of the bed. He felt the legs splay under his weight and he reached into his shopping bag. ‘I’ve brought Hello! magazine for you, and cupcakes.’

      ‘Fashion, gossip and sugary treats. Fabby.’

      Benedict felt a twitching sensation in his fingers when he handed over the cakes. The lemon icing on top was pleasingly shiny and topped with a ruby-red glacé cherry. Cecil won’t mind if you eat one of us, they said. Just ask him.

      Cecil tore them open. ‘Want one?’

      Don’t do it, Benedict thought. He considered sitting on his hands, to stop himself, but he reached out for a cupcake anyway. He ate it in three bites but strangely it tasted a little too sweet. He batted the crumbs off his trousers with the flat of his hand. ‘So, how are you feeling?’

      Cecil sighed. ‘Okaaay. I thought I’d be out and doing my Usain Bolt impersonation by now. I feel like I’m falling apart. How is my white ball of fluffy gorgeousness?’

      ‘He’s, er, the usual. White and fluffy.’

      ‘But the two of you are getting on, aren’t you? I worry about him not getting the love and attention he’s used to.’

      ‘We’re getting on just fine.’

      ‘And so…’ Cecil prompted. ‘Everything is just as it was?’

      ‘Let’s not talk about work – you’re supposed to be trying to get better.’

      ‘I mean, any progress with Estelle?’

      Benedict shook his head. ‘Not yet.’

      ‘So you’re still waiting and seeing?’

      Benedict thought of Gemma’s insistence that he should be Romeo. He dreaded to think what that meant. ‘There’s something I need to tell you,’ he said.

      ‘What?’ Cecil leaned forward in his bed.

      ‘My niece, Gemma, has come to stay with me, from America. She’s only sixteen and says she’s here for an adventure.’

      ‘Adventure, huh?’ Cecil stared off into space. ‘I remember that, once. A long time ago. You’ve not mentioned Gemma before.’

      ‘She’s my brother Charlie’s daughter. Our family isn’t close and Gemma just arrived out of the blue. It was a big surprise.’

      ‘That sounds a bit strange.’

      ‘I know.’

      ‘So, what is she like?’ Cecil picked up Hello! and took a quick glance at the cover. A soap star had given birth to quads.

      ‘She’s kind of infuriating. But she knows her own mind and she wants to learn. I’d forgotten what it’s like to have a passion for new things.’

      ‘Coolio. Like what?’

      ‘She’s interested in the meaning of gems.’

      ‘Like gemstones?’

      Benedict nodded. ‘My father made notes on them in an old journal, and she brought some with her.’

      ‘That sounds intriguing. And what is she up to now, this niece of yours?’

      ‘I left her in the house on her own. So she can have some space to herself.’

      ‘That’s what you wanted to give Estelle.’

      ‘I know.’ Estelle’s space had extended for much longer than he thought it would. ‘Gemma says the same as you, that I need to win Estelle back.’

      ‘She’s right.’

      ‘She says that I should try to be like Romeo,’ he muttered, hoping that Cecil would agree with him, that the idea sounded absurd.

      Cecil laughed, a machine-gun fire blast. ‘Oh, Benedicto,’ he said. Then he started