Yuletide Baby. Deb Kastner

savored the lovely sounds of Christmas. Children. Laughing, happy, excited little voices. She allowed the cheerful clatter to penetrate and fill her empty heart and warm her icy spirit.

      Her eyes snapped open and her pulse quickened at the sudden shrill buzz of her cell phone. She’d turned the sound back on as she did every morning, but she wasn’t expecting a phone call, especially at this time of the morning and on Christmas Day.

      She put a hand to her chest to still her galloping heart. She was sick and tired of her first reaction to the phone or doorbell being a spike of terror. It had been several years now since Adrian had been incarcerated, and still she dealt with this. She’d thought moving back home would help. How long would it take her to relearn the basics, replacing her automatic fear impulses with healthy responses?

      “Wait for me, my sweethearts. Don’t go looking in your stockings until I’m off the phone,” she admonished the children playfully. She reached for the phone in the pocket of her bathrobe. It was a long-standing habit of hers to keep her cell close by, even while she was sleeping. Better safe than sorry.

      She glanced at the number. She didn’t recognize it, but it was local.

      “Hello?” She hoped her voice didn’t sound as shaky as she felt.

      “Heather? This is Pastor Shawn O’Riley. I apologize for interrupting you on your Christmas morning.”

      “Shawn?” The baby. Heather’s adrenaline spiked along with her anxiety. “Is something wrong with Noelle?”

      “No—no,” he answered hastily. “Well, maybe. I’m not sure. I think perhaps it’s just that I don’t know what I’m doing. I’ve never been in charge of a baby before.”

      Heather pinched her lips and shook her head at the irony. A pastor, a man used to directing others, had in one single night discovered that caring for an infant offered a completely different set of challenges. Even a natural leader couldn’t make a baby do what he wanted her to do.

      But there were some men who would try.

      She shoved out a breath. Shawn had given her no reason to suspect he might fall into that category. “Can you be more specific?”

      “Let’s see...I’ve changed her diaper, fed her, burped her—repeatedly, as a matter of fact. It’s a never-ending cycle, it seems.”

      Welcome to parenthood, Heather thought. She’d never had children of her own, but for a while just after graduating from college she’d found great happiness working in a day-care center. In her heart of hearts she’d desperately wanted a baby of her own, but the idea of Adrian fathering any children she might bear had left her frightened beyond words at the prospect of conceiving and bringing a child into her terrifying and hopeless world. She hadn’t dared to have a child, who’d have been immediately put at risk.

      “Sounds like you’re doing everything right,” she assured Shawn, forcefully shifting her thoughts to the present. To Noelle.

      “I hope so, but I sure don’t feel like it. She’s a little darlin’, but I’m beginning to think I’ve bitten off more than I can chew, so to speak. I’ve tried everything. I’ve done bathing, swaddling, attempting to coax her to take a pacifier—which, incidentally, is much more difficult in practice than it looks at first approach.”

      Heather chuckled. “It takes some getting used to.”

      “Yes, but here’s my problem. The one thing I cannot get her to do is sleep. She’ll only doze off for a few minutes at a time, and even then, it’s only if I’m rocking her in my arms. The moment I try to lay her down on her own, her eyes pop back open and she starts wailing in earnest. Then the whole process begins again.” He sighed deeply.

      It sounded as if the poor man was sleep-deprived in a major way. Heather imagined it was hard enough to care for a newborn when there were two parents in the house to tag-team on getting some rest. She had to admire Shawn for taking such immense responsibility on his own shoulders, even for one night. It wasn’t something she would have expected from a single man.

      But why was he calling her?

      “Is there something I can help you with?” she asked, her breath catching in her throat as she waited for his answer.

      His groan was one of utter defeat. “No. Not really. I guess I just wanted to hear the sound of someone’s voice, an adult someone, that is—and maybe be reassured that I’m doing everything I need to be doing for Noelle. I don’t want to mess this up. Jo Spencer considers you the resident expert, since you raise foster kids and have worked in day care and everything. I figured you were the one to call. I would hate to think I accidentally overlooked something important that I could have done to make Noelle more comfortable. Anyway, thanks for listening. I appreciate it.”

      “Do you have anyone who could come over and spell you for a while so you can get some sleep?” Heather didn’t know why she asked. It wasn’t as if this situation had anything to do with her. Not directly. She wasn’t Shawn’s friend, and she didn’t want to be, thank you very much. But this concern she felt wasn’t truly for his sake, was it? No, it was for Noelle. The sweet baby deserved loving, capable care. And while Shawn seemed to be earnestly trying his best, he was unpracticed at child care even when he wasn’t sleep-deprived. “A friend? A neighbor?”

      “No. This is all on me. I wouldn’t want to pull anyone away from sharing Christmas with their families.” He stifled a yawn. “I’m sure I’ll make it...somehow.”

      “I can’t leave my foster kids.”

      “Of course not.” He sounded genuinely surprised. “I wouldn’t expect you to, even if you could.”

      “My parents are no longer living, so I don’t have any help from that quarter.” She didn’t know why she felt the need to rationalize her actions to him, but there it was. “I’m single. I have no one else to watch them.”

      “Seriously, Heather. I’m not asking for you to go out of your way for me and Noelle. I guess I shouldn’t have called. I didn’t mean to bother you or to put any kind of pressure on you.”

      “You aren’t bothering me,” she replied, which was half true. It would be a good long time, if ever, before she was completely comfortable around men—particularly those who claimed to be men of faith. But this was about the baby, and making sure the tiny infant was taken care of could never be a bother.

      She squeezed her eyes closed and took a deep breath—in through the nose, out through the mouth—as she’d learned through many, many months of therapy.

       Be calm. Relaxed. Composed.

      She knew she was going to regret the next words coming out of her mouth, but she’d made a promise to herself and God that she’d help children in need whenever and wherever she found them. It was, in a sense, her penance for all of the mistakes she had made.

      And at this moment, that meant she was going to help Noelle.

      There was nothing she could do for the two children who’d died instantly after being sideswiped by Adrian’s car as he swerved all over the road in a drunken haze. She couldn’t turn back the clock and keep Adrian from walking out the door on that fateful day, even though she’d known he’d had too much to drink and that he was going to get behind the wheel and drive. She’d only been thinking about herself at the time. She’d wanted him gone, and she’d let him walk away.

      She wished she could make things right, but she couldn’t. However, she could do something for the tiny baby who’d been abandoned by her mother on Christmas Eve. She could—and she would.

      “I know I said I can’t leave my kids alone in the house, but that doesn’t mean you can’t come over here. I will set an extra plate, and you and Noelle can join us for Christmas dinner. I’m sure the kids would love to have extra guests at the table. I’ll be happy to watch Noelle for a bit while you catch a power nap. Unless you have other plans, that is.”