Confessions from a Holiday Camp. Timothy Lea

      

      “Oh, no,” moaned Timothy. “Not again.”

      But he had to …

      When you’re a Holiday Host at Melody Bay Holiday Camp you’re expected to provide most of the entertainment. In whatever fashion the happy campers demand. And some of the demands were distinctly above and beyond the call of duty. Not that Timothy was unwilling to oblige what with Janet, June, Elsie and the rest of them shattering their fingernails on the door of his chalet. And then of course there were Nan and Nat, the Camp owner’s nieces, pursuing their own ideas of female liberation through the shuddering chalets. It was undoubtedly Timothy’s toughest assignment …

      and even better than his hilarious adventures in CONFESSIONS OF A WINDOW CLEANER and CONFESSIONS OF A DRIVING INSTRUCTOR

      CONFESSIONS FROM A HOLIDAY CAMP

      Timothy Lea

      CONTENTS

       Title Page

       Introduction

       Chapter 1

      In which Timmy finds himself on the road again, having been found on the front room carpet with an attractive young lady who called to ask questions about cleaning shoes.

       Chapter 2

      In which brother-in-law Sidney hires Timmy as a Host at Melody Bay Holiday Camp and our hero travels north in the company of Janet, an athletic girl eager to make new friends.

       Chapter 3

      In which Timmy arrives at Melody Bay and gets some idea of the duties expected of him, helped by Avril and a conscientious chalet maid.

       Chapter 4

      In which Timmy becomes involved with the Camp Beauty Contest and Mrs. Married, Elsie, Janet and June – all of whom are keen to do well.

       Chapter 5

      In which life is disrupted by Nat and Nan, big girls with big appetites, with whom Timmy shares an embarrassing experience on the stage of the camp theatre.

       Chapter 6

      In which Timmy’s particular talents are singled out for export to Love Island, the new Mediterranean Holiday Camp for the swinging seventies and in which Timmy is taken in hand by Angela, an experienced air hostess.

       Chapter 7

      In which Timmy gets the lay of the land – known as Carmen – and discovers that the Island’s amenities leave everything to be desired.

       Chapter 8

      In which Sidney arrives to get a grip; Nat and Nan cause fresh problems and Timmy shares a beautiful experience with Marcia.

       Chapter 9

      In which Mum, Dad, and Rosie arrive for a holiday. Rosie conceives an affection for a singing gentleman named Ricci Volare, camp life continues to deteriorate and Timmy offers comfort to a lonely lady.

       Chapter 10

      In which Rosie and Dad disgrace themselves. Timmy organises a Love Carnival which gets out of hand. Dad is clumsy, Sidney loses his temper and we learn that Mum has a secret.

       Chapter 11

      In which an interesting new holiday camp development is outlined and Timmy begins an unusually exhausting journey home.

       Also Available in the Confessions Ebook Series

       Copyright

       About the Publisher

      INTRODUCTION

      How did it all start?

      When I was young and in want of cash (which was all the time) I used to trudge round to the local labour exchange during holidays from school and university to sign on for any job that was going – mason’s mate, loader for Speedy Prompt Delivery, part-time postman, etc.

      During our tea and fag breaks (‘Have a go and have a blow’ was the motto) my fellow workers would regale me with stories of the Second World War: ‘Very clean people, the Germans’, or of throwing Irishmen through pub windows (men who had apparently crossed the Irish sea in hard times and were prepared to work for less than the locals). This was interesting, but what really stuck in my mind were the recurring stories of the ‘mate’ or the ‘brother-in-law’. The stories about these men (rarely about the speaker himself) were about being seduced, to put it genteelly, whilst on the job by (it always seemed to be) ‘a posh bird’:

      ‘Oeu-euh. Would you care for a cup of tea?’

      ‘And he was up her like a rat up a drainpipe’

      These stories were prolific. Even one of the – to my eyes – singularly uncharismatic workers had apparently been invited to indulge in carnal capers after a glass of lemonade one hot summer afternoon near Guildford.

      Of course, these stories could all have been make-believe or urban myth, but I couldn’t help thinking, with all this repetition, surely there must be something in them?

      When writing the series, it seemed unrealistic and undemocratic that Timmy’s naive charms should only appeal to upper class women, so I quickly widened his demographic and put him in situations where any attractive member of the fairer sex might cross his path.

      The books were always fun to write and never more so than when they involved Timmy’s family: his Mum, his Dad (prone to nicking weird objects from the lost property office where he worked), his sister Rosie and, perhaps most importantly, his conniving, would be entrepreneur, brother-in-law Sidney Noggett. Sidney was Timmy’s eminence greasy, a disciple of Thatcherism before it had been invented.

      Whatever the truth concerning Timothy Lea’s origins, twenty-seven ‘Confessions’ books and four movies suggest that an awful lot of people share my fascination with the character and his adventures. I am grateful to each and every one of them.

      Christopher Wood aka Timothy Lea

      CHAPTER ONE

      Mum was glad to see me when I got back from Cromingham. Just as she had been when I got back from the nick. A bit worried too – just as she had been when I got back from the nick.

      “Everything alright at the Driving School?” she says casually, as I fold my mits round a cup of cha, made as only my Mum can make one – diabolically.