Paranormalcy. Kiersten White

      PARANORMALCY

      KIERSTEN WHITE

      FOR

       MOM AND DAD

       AND FOR

       NOAH, MY LOVE

      Contents

       Cover

       Title Page

OH, BITE ME

A POPULATION OF NIGHTMARES

NOT–ME AND I

LEND ME YOUR EARS … AMONG OTHER THINGS

HAVE A BLEEP BLEEP DAY

DEAD MEAT IN ANY LANGUAGE

THERE’S NO PLACE LIKE HOME

FAERLY STUPID

DUMBBELLS, BOYS, AND OTHER DENSE THINGS

THERAPY BILLS

       I CAN SEE RIGHT THROUGH YOU

       POETRY AND HOLDING HANDS

       LIGHT MY FIRE

       BURN, BABY, BURN

       HAGTASTIC

       LOST SOULS

       SELFISH IS AS SELFISH DOES

       DON’T CALL ME

       HEARTS AGLOW

       OH, BLEEP

       NOT OKAY

       WHAT’S IN A NAME

       GROUNDED

       MY FIRST SLEEPOVER

       GIRL TALK

       LIKE A BAD JOKE

       RUNS IN THE FAMILY

       ONE OF A KIND

       HIJINKS AND HIGH SCHOOLS

       GIRLS, CRYING, WOLVES

       HEY, STUPID

       WHAT YOU DON’T KNOW

       LIAR, LIAR, WRIST ON FIRE

       SO ALONE TOGETHER

       PINK, SHINY LOVE

       IN YOUR DREAMS

       DON’T MUSS THE MAKEUP

       PARTY CRASHER

       SOUL SUCK

       PATHS AND POSSIBILITIES

       HEAVEN, HELL, AND THAT LITTLE PLACE BETWEEN

       ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

       Copyright

      About the Publisher

       OH, BITE ME

      Wait—did you—You just yawned!” The vampire’s arms, raised over his head in the classic Dracula pose, dropped to his sides. He pulled his exaggerated white fangs back behind his lips. “What, imminent death isn’t exciting enough for you?”

      “Oh, stop pouting. But, really, the widow’s peak? The pale skin? The black cape? Where did you even get that thing, a costume store?”

      He raised himself to his full height and glared icily down at me. “I’m going to suck the life from your pretty white neck.”

      I sighed. I hate the vamp jobs. They think they’re so suave. It’s not enough for them to slaughter and eat you like a zombie would. No, they want it to be all sexy, too. And, trust me: vampires? Not. Sexy. I mean, sure, their glamours can be pretty hot, but the dry-as-bone corpse bodies shimmering underneath? Nothing attractive there. Not that anyone else can see them, though.

      He hissed. Just as he reached for my neck, I tased him. I was there to bag and tag, not to kill. Besides, if I had to carry separate weapons for every paranormal I took out, I’d be dragging around a full luggage set. Tasers are a one-size-fits-all paranormal butt-kicking option. Mine’s pink with rhinestones. Tasey and I have had a lot of good times together.

      The vamp twitched on the ground, unconscious. He looked kind of pathetic now; I almost felt bad for him. Imagine your grandpa. Now imagine your grandpa minus fifty pounds plus two hundred years. That’s who I’d just electrified.

      Tasey’s work done, I reholstered her and pulled out the vamp-specific ankle bracelet. I placed my index finger in the middle of the smooth black surface. After a few seconds it glowed green. Grabbing the vamp’s ankle, I pulled his pants leg up to reveal the skin. I hated