Is It In Yet? The Big Book of Sexual Failures. Mark Leigh

consensual act between two parties and [that] no crime was committed.’

      A nineteen-year-old cleaner was found dead and naked next to an electric floor polisher. While working, he’d been rubbing his naked groin against the machine to enjoy the vibrations. An inspection of the machine revealed that the polisher had been incorrectly earthed and that he’d been electrocuted.

      An over-zealous man in China was kissing his girlfriend so vigorously that he reduced the air pressure in her mouth to such a degree that she ruptured her eardrum. A report in the China Daily gravely commented, ‘While kissing is normally very safe, doctors advise people to proceed with caution.’

      An unnamed young Indian woman eventually visited her doctor after suffering a serious cough, runny nose and fever for over six months. No medication seemed to help and, fearing something much more serious, the patient was sent for an X-ray. This revealed a condom stuck in one of her lungs. Apparently, she’d accidentally inhaled it while performing oral sex without actually realising.

      Two Polish seventeen-year-olds, Beata and Kamil, were forbidden by their parents from marrying so, inspired by Romeo and Juliet, decided it would be better to live for eternity in death, rather than be separated in life. In April 1999 they went to a chemist to buy strong sleeping tablets but the pharmacist became suspicious and, instead, substituted these with laxative pills.

      The couple booked into an economy room in a local hotel – a room without a toilet or bathroom – and took an overdose of what they assumed were the sleeping tablets before having passionate sex and then laying on the bed in each other’s arms. It wasn’t long before the laxative started to work. Having no toilet was one thing but the couple had no means to find another bathroom; as part of their plan, they had locked their room and thrown the key out of the window.

      All they could do was scream for help; help that arrived too late.

      The hotel manager had to fumigate the room afterwards and commented that the couple had found each other so disgusting afterwards that they called off their engagement.

      A pre-med student and his date from the University of Arizona drove to a secluded spot on Mount Lemmon, overlooking the city of Tucson, to make out. They walked to an open knoll and, making a bed from their discarded clothes, started to have sex, failing to notice the heavy storm clouds and the low roll of thunder. Within moments, there was a blinding flash and a bolt of lightning found the highest point on the knoll – which happened to be the man’s backside. The heat of the bolt melted his condom, fusing him and his girlfriend together. As if that wasn’t bad enough, the man realised that, while he had survived the shock, albeit being in excruciating pain, his date hadn’t – she lay dead beneath him.

      This realisation caused him to vomit over her face but things then got worse. Attracted by the smell, a bear made his way over to the two lovers and began licking semi-digested food from the girl’s face, before turning his attention to biting chunks from her face – just inches from the man’s. Satisfied, the bear then moved off. The couple weren’t discovered until the following morning, when a troop of hiking Girl Scouts came across them. Doctors called to the scene managed to separate the lovers. A hospital source was quoted as saying that, as a result of the lightning strike, the young man’s penis resembled a ‘small piece of cauliflower.’

      Similar deaths have been reported where men have wrapped their penises in tin foil and then wired them to the mains. The result was not the ultimate orgasm they’d hoped for – just a painful death or, at best, permanent disfigurement.

      An Illinois man, Bernie Carson, sued PT’s Show Club for $200,000 for emotional distress, mental anguish and indignity, after being injured by a stripper during her performance. He had a front-row seat and claimed that the girl deliberately battered him around the head and neck with her massive breasts, which weighed an estimated 40 lbs each. The victim said that the experience had left him, ‘bruised, confused, lacerated and sore.’

      In a similar incident, in June 1998, Paul Shimkonis from Seminole, Florida sued the Diamond Dolls Club, claiming that being buffeted by stripper Tawny Peaks’s (not her real name) massive sixty-nine-inch HH bosom, caused him whiplash during his bachelor party. He stated, ‘The best way to describe it is like a concrete block hitting me in the forehead,’ and sued the club for $15,000 of damages for ‘bodily injury, disability, pain and suffering, disfigurement and mental anguish.’ Rather than pursue conventional legal proceedings, Shimkonis had his case heard on the TV show The People’s Court. He lost after the court heard that Ms Peaks’s breasts weighed just 2 lbs each – well below the weight of concrete blocks.

      A Louisiana couple discovered that sex and guns don’t mix after one of them was shot in the head after an S&M session. It transpired that Rebecca Miller and Robert White had used the gun as part of their role-play but that Miller had accidentally shot her partner in the process. Local sheriff’s-department spokesman Tony Mancuso described the incident as an ‘accidental discharge of a firearm during consensual sexual activity.’ Miller was later charged with negligent homicide.

      Forty-year-old Jimmy ‘The Beard’ Ferrozzo was assistant manager of The Condor Topless Club in San Francisco and, after closing time one night in November 1983, he decided to frolic with one of the dancers – twenty-three-year-old Teresa Hill – on top of the club’s grand piano. During their show of passion, a stray leg or arm accidentally knocked the button that raised the piano majestically into the air on a hydraulic lift – a popular gimmick used at the club. Ferrozzo died from asphyxiation when he was crushed between the piano and the ceiling, while the cushioning effects of his 220-lb body saved Hill, whose shouts the next morning alerted rescuers.

      John Boyman, twenty-nine, of Erie, Pennsylvania, was visiting a local strip club, where he managed to get a table right at the front. He was having a good time, enjoying the antics of the club’s star performer, Cherri Blossom. She removed her bra but, to Mr Boyman’s disappointment, was wearing two small sequinned tassels over her nipples. Feeling short-changed, to Miss Blossom’s and everyone else’s surprise, he jumped on stage and attempted to remove the tassels with his teeth. His attempt on the first one was successful but, in his haste and excitement to remove the second, he swallowed it and choked to death.

      A woman in Long Branch, New Jersey was hospitalised after performing a striptease for her boyfriend while seductively holding a shotgun. In the process, she accidentally shot one of her breasts.

      In 2007 the naked bodies of two twenty-one-year-olds – Chelsea Tumbleston and Brent Tyler from Columbia, South Carolina – were found in the street early one morning by a passing cabbie. A police spokesman said, ‘The driver was stunned. It’s rather unusual to find two dead, naked people in the middle of the road.’ He said the deaths were being treated as a tragic accident, adding, ‘We believe they rolled off a roof while in the heat of passion.’

      In an attempt to inject some excitement into her love-life, a German housewife decided