Is It In Yet? The Big Book of Sexual Failures. Mark Leigh

      

       DISCLAIMER

      All the incidents featured (even the really freaky ones and the ones that make you squirm) are presented in good faith, having been previously reported as fact and sourced from a wide variety of diverse publications, news services, hospital records and the Internet. If names, dates, locations or eventual consequences are absent, that is because none were provided in the original source material. In addition, it should be noted that many stories turn up in multiple sources but with slightly different facts. To this effect, the author and publishers cannot accept responsibility for any inaccuracies and apologise in advance for any inadvertent errors in reporting.

      Look, at the end of the day it’s not that important. It’s not a book about something heavy like Gurdjieffian theory, the financial derivatives market or quantum physics; it’s a book about sexual failures.

       WARNING

      While this book is designed to amuse and entertain, it should also act as a warning. Although some of the sexual acts reported in these incidents might seem tempting – alluring even – please do not try them at home. Particularly the ones involving vacuum cleaners.

       ABOUT THE AUTHOR

      Mark Leigh has considerable first-hand knowledge of sexual failure, which makes him exceptionally well qualified to write this book – a process that he claims has been a very cathartic experience.

      When he’s not involved in embarrassing bedroom incidents and the subsequent recriminations, repercussions and regrets, Mark has found the time to write or co-write over fifty humour and trivia books on subjects as diverse as celebrities, extra-terrestrials, swearing pets and chatting people up at funerals.

      And while he’s not writing books or apologies, Mark steals pens and photocopier paper from his job in marketing. For more details visit www.mark-leigh.com

      CONTENTS

      1 TITLE PAGE

      2 DEDICATION

      3 DISCLAIMER

      4 WARNING

      5 ABOUT THE AUTHOR

      6 INTRODUCTION

      7 ACCIDENTS WILL HAPPEN

      8 WHATEVER TURNS YOU ON

      9 GOING SOLO

      10 AWKWARD MOMENTS

      11 JUST PLAIN STUPID

      12 BEASTLY BEHAVIOUR

      13 CLOTHES MAKETH THE MAN

      14 PLANES, TRAINS AND AUTOMOBILES

      15 SERIOUS SHORTCOMINGS

      16 TAKEN FOR A RIDE

      17 MISCELLANEOUS

      18 S&M

      19 STUCK!

      20 NOT TONIGHT, DARLING…

      21 SEX LAWS

      22 FOOD FUN AND GAMES

      23 FOR THE THRILL OF IT

      24 SEX FOR SALE

      25 EXHIBITIONISTS

      26 OUCH!

      27 BE SATISFIED WITH WHAT GOD GAVE YOU

      28 PLAYING AWAY

      29 YOU’RE NICKED!

      30 THAT’S JUST WRONG!

      31 SAYINGS ABOUT SEX

      32 COPYRIGHT

       INTRODUCTION

      My name is Mark Leigh and I’m a sexual failure.

      My reputation in the bedroom precedes me, which is why the publishers felt that, when it came to bad sex, I was the obvious Go-To Guy. When Is It In Yet? was commissioned, I felt a real sense of pride that my achievements (or rather, lack of them) haaeen recognised – not that I’ve been associated with most of the incidents here but because I can recognise a story about sexual failure when I see one. For the purposes of this book, sexual failure isn’t just confined to non-performance in the bedroom; it’s any act of a sexual nature that didn’t quite go according to plan or where any consequences were ignored. However, even I – and my litany of bad experiences and subsequent apologetic texts – was not prepared for some of the incidents I unearthed.

      Like the so-called Swiss Cheese Pervert who exposed himself with pieces of Swiss cheese wrapped around his penis, the man who had sex with a stuffed toy in a busy supermarket, the man who could only climax when hit in the face with a pie or the couple that decided to have sex on a train track… with inevitable results.

      Now, you’ve probably spotted a pattern emerging here. Most of the incidents involve men acting alone. If there’s an object to be inserted where it shouldn’t, or if there’s something irresponsibly dangerous to rub your groin against, you can guarantee a man did it.

      Why? Is it due to a sense of boredom or a taste for adventure? There are men and women far better trained than me to make that judgement. My role is just to act as curator for these stories.

      And there’s the rub (sometimes quite literally): which stories to use and which to leave out.

      After sifting through thousands of news reports, I decided that, to merit inclusion, the incidents should be bizarre and amusing and, therefore, entertaining. And that’s when it came down to a question of taste.

      Having someone die from a heart attack during sex isn’t inherently funny. Having someone die from a heart attack and trapping his partner underneath them for four days is (well, I think it is). Then there’s flashing. It’s a criminal offence and can be quite traumatic to victims but, when a flasher falls out of a first-floor window after dropping his trousers and pants and saying, ‘Who wants some of this?’ it just has to go in.

      One thing that did surprise me in my research was the sheer inventiveness some people went to in order to achieve sexual pleasure. And when I say inventiveness, I really mean reckless disregard of consequences.

      So sit back, kick off your shoes, cross your legs and get ready for some of the most deviant, dumb and, quite frankly, disturbing stories of bad sex.

      It’s enough to make you celibate.

      Mark Leigh

      Surrey, England 2015

       ACCIDENTS WILL HAPPEN

      Whoever thought that a night of steamy passion would end with a couple being struck by lightning, someone being shot in the head or inadvertently super-gluing