Love without a Compass. Lindy Zart

so maybe he’ll be okay. I mean, at least his eyes will be okay, and that’s something.

      Even as my stride shortens, my brain roars at me to keep going, to let him be the sacrifice to ensure my safety. I almost do it too, but my stupid legs, as if controlled by my heart, stop working. Panting, covered in sweat, I spin around. Eyes shifting back and forth, I search for my coworker and the bird. I find neither.

      “Ben?” I say through a burning throat.

      A single word reaches my ears, strangled and quiet. “Help.”

      Heart trying to jump from my chest, I rush toward the nearest drop-off. It’s a downward ride of trees, rocks, and most assuredly, death. A body of water is far below, looking like a sliver of blue from this point. I try to swallow, but my throat is closed. The sweat on my body has been replaced by clammy fear.

      Where is Ben? I heard him cry out. Didn’t I? This whole excursion is to learn how to better get along with each other. If I killed Ben, I’ll be fired for sure, maybe sent to prison. I can’t spend the rest of my life wearing a single color for every day of the week.

      “Avery.”

      My gaze drops and I freeze. Ten feet directly beneath me is Ben, and the only thing keeping him from plummeting down the ridge is a misshapen tree flush with the ground. “I thought you were dead.”

      I don’t know how he manages to glare so thoroughly at me, especially in his present condition, but I feel the wrath of his eyes all the way to my soul. “Don’t sound so disappointed,” he gets out around gritted teeth.

      I don’t respond.

      Ben’s voice is surprisingly calm as he asks, “Did you push me?”

      “Well…” I rub my forehead. “I mean…not intentionally.”

      “How do you unintentionally push someone?”

      A change of subject is needed. “You lost your glasses.”

      “Yes, and my legs are tangled around a dead tree. It’s a glorious day all around.”

      “Are you hurt?”

      “I’ve felt better,” he says darkly.

      “How blind are you right now?”

      “I don’t know, things are pretty blurry. Why?”

      I lift my middle finger and wave it back and forth. “How many fingers am I holding up?”

      “I’m not that blind.”

      “Just checking.” I set my hands to my hips and stare at my teammate. There is dirt smeared across his forehead and his red shirt is torn near the hem. “How are you going to get back up here?”

      Ben lowers his head, his shoulders lifting as he inhales. His dark eyes are intent when he looks up at me. “I’m pretty sure I sprained my ankle. I don’t think I can get out of this while holding on to the backpack. I’ll have to throw it to you, and then I’ll get myself up. Do you think you can catch it?”

      I look from Ben to the ledge. If he underthrows, and I dive for it, I’ll be in the same position as him, or worse. That’s a chance I’d rather not take. I unconsciously take a step back, as if my body is readying for something my brain hasn’t yet accepted.

      “Avery.”

      I focus on Ben, going still under the intensity of his daze.

      “Everything we need is in this backpack. The compass, the map, food and water…” Ben speaks after a brief pause. “Tell me you can do this, Avery.”

      Something about the way he says the words straightens my spine and returns my gaze to his. Ben’s counting on me. He needs me. I won’t let him down, not in this. I nod briefly.

      He releases a long breath. “Okay. Great.” Ben’s expression turns serious. “Widen your stance, brace your legs, and no matter what, catch the damn thing, all right?”

      “All right.” I do as he says, arms outstretched and ready.

      “Here we go. You can do this.” Face twisting with determination and pain, Ben hefts the backpack over his shoulder and straightens his arm like a whip, the backpack soaring from his hand. It flies through the air, rocketing toward me as it gets larger and larger.

      Just before it smacks me in the face, I catch it. I stumble under the force of it, and fall to my butt. I land on a small rock, but even the sharp sting that stabs my backside can’t dampen my elation. My face splits in a wide grin as I hug the bag, smelling fresh air and Ben.

      “Avery? Everything okay?”

      “I got it! I got it!” I laugh and clamber to my feet, holding the bag as I jump up and down. I stop and point to the backpack. “See? I got it!”

      For the first time in a long time, a genuine smile that is meant for me crosses Ben’s features. Not the tight, fake ones he produces under the watchful eyes of Duke Renner, but a real one that makes Ben’s eyes sparkle and his face light up. I falter under the power of it.

      As if realizing what he’s doing, Ben’s smile disintegrates.

      I swallow thickly, turning at the loss of it. “Can you get loose or not?”

      His response is stiff and takes a moment to come. “Yeah.”

      “Maybe you can speed it up a bit?” I snap to hide hurt I pretend is nonexistent. “We have a lodge to find before nightfall.”

      “Anything for Queen Avery,” he mocks.

      I wait with my back to him as he hauls himself up the side of the mountain, silently fuming. I’m hot, and sweaty, and tired. I want to go home, where it’s clean, and cool, and I can watch reality television as I eat takeout. My mouth salivates at the thought of pasta from my favorite Italian restaurant.

      Rosa’s Italian Cuisine is a little shop ten blocks from me, mostly undiscovered by the masses. It’s been one of the best surprises since relocating from Montana to Illinois. All the meals are homemade by Rosa Rossetti and have phenomenal flavor. I’d give about anything right now for a big bowl of noodles slathered in sauce. I’d probably even forsake Ben, although I’m sure after I was done stuffing myself full of noodles, I’d feel a little bad. Okay, a lot.

      I shudder as I think of the near attack of the crows, wondering where all the black beasts went, and when they’ll make another appearance. Clamminess covers me with cold dread, and I instinctively take a step back, bumping into Ben as I fight terror no amount of counseling has been able to control.

      “Watch it. I don’t want a repeat trip down the side of a mountain,” he snaps.

      My eyes lock on Ben, remembering the way he carefully handled me during the crow situation. Ben’s missing his glasses, there’s a cut along his cheek oozing blood, and he’s favoring his left leg, but he’s in one piece, and that’s what matters.

      “You helped me. You didn’t have to, but you did. Thank you.” Warmth swims through me as I hold his gaze. It gives me hope that maybe, eventually, we’ll be okay.

      Ben’s eyes flicker, and just as quickly, his face hardens. “Don’t thank me. I did have to help you. You’re my partner in this hellhole, and I need you in order to pass this. That’s it. Don’t make it out to be more than it was.”

      My cheeks burn. Apparently, we won’t be okay any time soon. “Any kindness you show is a ruse, is that it?”

      He steps closer, his voice low and husky when he answers with, “That’s exactly it.” Ben stares at my mouth before moving back, taking all the air in the vicinity with him. He smirks dangerously. “Everything I do has an ulterior motive, and a selfish one at that. You would know exactly how that works, wouldn’t you?”

      I stamp my hands to my hips as I show him my profile, frustration and guilt slamming into me. “I explained—”

      “You