The Three Perils Of Man. James Hogg

would you do with her if you had her in your power to-night?’

      ‘Something very different from what I would do with you, my lord. But please describe her to me, for my very heart is yearning to behold her – describe every point of her form, and lineament of her features.’

      ‘She is esteemed as very beautiful; for my part I think her but so so,’ said Tudor: ‘She has fair hair, light full blue eyes, and ruddy cheeks; and her brow, I believe, is as fine and as white as any brow can be.’

      ‘O frightful! what a description! what an ugly minx it must be! Fair hair! red, I suppose, or dirty dull yellow! Light blue eyes! mostly white I fancy? Ah, what a frightful immodest ape it must be! I could spit upon the huzzy!’

      ‘Mary shield us!’ exclaimed young Tudor, moving farther away from the prince, and striking lightly with his hand on his doublet as if something unclean had been squirted on it. ‘Mary shield us! What does the saucy Scot mean?’

      Every one of the troopers put his hand to his sword, and watched the eye of his master. The prince beckoned to the Scots to be quiet; but Lord Tudor did no such thing, for he was flustered and wroth.

      ‘Pardon me, my lord,’ said the prince, ‘I may perhaps suffer enough from the beauty and perfections of your fair cousin after I see her; you may surely allow me to deride them now. I am trying to depreciate the charms I dread. But I do not like the description of her. Tell me seriously do you not think her very intolerable?’

      ‘I tell you, prince, I think quite otherwise. I believe Jane to be fifty times more lovely than any dame in Scotland; and a hundred times more beautiful than your tawny virago of a sister, whom I shall rejoice to tame like a spaniel. The haughty, vain, conceited, swart venom, that she should lay her commands on the Douglas to conquer or die for her! A fine presumption, forsooth! But the world shall see whether the charms of my cousin, Lady Jane Howard, or those of your grim and tawdry princess, have most power.’

      ‘Yes, they shall, my lord,’ said the prince: ‘In the mean time let us drop the subject. I see I have given you offence, not knowing that you were in love with Lady Jane, which now I clearly see to be the case. Nevertheless, go on with the description, for I am anxious to hear all about her, and I promise to approve if there be a bare possibility of it.’

      ‘Her manner is engaging, and her deportment graceful and easy; her waist is slim, and her limbs slender and elegant beyond any thing you ever saw,’ said Lord Tudor.

      ‘O shocking!’ exclaimed the prince, quite forgetting himself; ‘Worst of all! I declare I have no patience with the creature. After such a description, who can doubt the truth of the reports about the extreme levity of her conduct? Confess now, my lord, that she is very free of her favours, and that the reason why so many young gentlemen visit her is now pretty obvious.’

      High offence was now manifest in Lord Jasper Tudor’s look. He rose from his seat, and said in great indignation, ‘I did not ween I should be insulted in this guise by the meanest peasant in Scotland, far less by one of its courtiers, and least of all by a prince of the blood royal. Yeomen, I will not, I cannot suffer this degradation. These ruffian Scots are intruders on us – here I desire that you will expel them the house.’

      The Prince of Scotland was at the head of the table, Tudor was at his right hand; the rest of the English were all on that side, the Scots on the other – their numbers were equal. Dan and his three brethren sat at the bottom of the board around the old man, who had been plying at the beef with no ordinary degree of perseverance, nor did he cease when the fray began. Every one of the two adverse parties was instantly on his feet, with his sword gleaming in his hand; but finding that the benches from which they had arisen hampered them, they with one accord sprung on the tops of these, and crossed their swords. The pages screamed like women. The two noble adventurers seemed scarcely to know the use of their weapons, but looked on with astonishment. At length the prince, somewhat collecting himself, drew out his shabby whanger, and brandished it in a most unwarlike guise, on which the blue-eyed Tudor retreated behind his attendants, holding up his hands, but still apparently intent on revenge for the vile obloquy thrown on the character of his cousin, Lady Jane Howard. ‘Tis just pe te shance she vantit,’ said the Scot next to the prince.

      ‘My certy, man, we’ll get a paick at the louns now,’ said the second.

      ‘Fat te teel’s ta’en ’e bits o’ vee laddies to flee a’ eet abeet ’er buts o’ wheers? I wudnae hae my feet i’ their sheen for three plucks an a beedle,’ said the third.

      ‘Thou’s a’ i’ the wrang buox now, chaps,’ said the fourth. These were all said with one breath; and before the English-men had time to reply, clash went the swords across the table, and the third Scot, the true Aberdonian, was wounded, as were also two of the Englishmen, at the very first pass.

      These matters are much sooner done than described. All this was the work of a few seconds, and done before advice could either be given or attended to. Dan now interfered with all the spirit and authority that he was master of. He came dashing along the middle of the board in his great war boots, striking up their swords as he came, and interposing his boardly frame between the combatants. ‘D––n ye a’ for a wheen madcaps!’ cried Dan as loud as he could bawl: ‘What the muckle deil’s fa’en a bobbing at your midriffs now? Ye’re a’ my father’s guests an’ mine; an’, by the shin-banes o’ Sant Peter, the first side that lifts a sword, or says a misbehadden word, my three brethren and I will tak’ the tother side, an’ smoor the transgressors like as mony moor-poots.’

      ‘Keep your feet aff the meat, fool,’ said old Pate.

      ‘Gude sauff us!’ continued Dan, ‘What has been said to gie ony offence? What though the young gentlewoman dis tak a stown jink o’ a’ chap that’s her ain sweetheart whiles? Where’s the harm in that? There’s little doubt o’ the thing. An’ for my part, gin she didna––’

      Here Dan was interrupted in his elegant harangue by a wrathful hysteric scream from young Tudor, who pulled out his whinyard, and ran at Dan, boring at him in awkward but most angry sort, crying all the while, ‘I will not bear this insult! Will my followers hear me traduced to my face?’

      ‘Deil’s i’ e’ wee but steepid laddie,’ said Buchan the Aberdonian; ‘it thinks ’at ’er preeving it to be a wheer ’e sel o’t!’

      Dan lifted up his heavy sword in high choler to cleave the stripling, and he would have cloven him to the belt, but curbing his wrath, he only struck his sword, which he made fly into pieces and jingle against the rafters of the house; then seizing the young adventurer by the shoulder, he snatched him up to him on the board, where he still stood, and, taking his head below his arm, he held him fast with the one hand, making signs with the other to his brethren to join the Scots, and disarm the English, who were the aggressors both times. In the meantime, he was saying to Tudor, ‘Hout, hout, young master, ye hae never been o’er the Border afore; ye sude hae stayed at hame, an’ wantit a wife till ye gathered mair rummelgumption.’

      The five English squires, now seeing themselves set upon by nine, yielded, and suffered themselves to be disarmed.

      When Tudor came to himself, he appeared to be exceedingly grieved at his imprudence, and ready to make any acknowledgement, while the prince treated him with still more and more attention; yet these attentions were ever and anon mixed with a teazing curiosity, and a great many inquiries, that the young nobleman could not bear, and did not chuse to answer.

      It now became necessary to make some arrangement for the parties passing the night. Patrick Chisholm’s house had but one fire-place in an apartment which served for kitchen and hall; but it had a kind of ben end, as it was then, and is always to this day, denominated in that part of the country. There was scarcely room to move a foot in it; for, besides two oaken beds with rowan-tree bars, it contained five huge chests belonging to the father and his sons, that held their clothes and warlike accoutrements. The daughters of yeomen in these days did not sit at table with the men. They were the household servants. Two of Pate’s daughters, who had been bustling about all the evening, conducted the two noble youths into