Dog Eat Dog. Niq Mhlongo

is different because folkways have been sidelined with all this so-called modernity. When a person dies a friend will come and demand payment of his unpaid bills. It is very rare and a pleasant surprise to see you young people still upholding the spirit of ubuntu by coming to pay your last respects to the deceased. Ubuntu is the invincible gold of human companionship. It is a perfect product of nature and the basis of the society. With your presence here today, you have shown the Njomane family that education is not only limited to the knowledge of books, but goes beyond that to include the building of character.’

      There was a moment of silence. My teachers glanced at one another. They were nodding at my knowledgeable aunt, but I was not convinced that they were there to extend their condolences. I knew that the Big Punisher was there to give me the beating he had promised me in front of my father, but unfortunately for him my father was no longer in this world to witness it.

      ‘So when did this misfortune happen?’ Big Punisher and my English teacher asked simultaneously.

      ‘It happened last week, but we decided that Dingz should not come to school until yesterday as he was very upset,’ answered my brother.

      My teachers looked at each other for a short while. They didn’t know what to say. Their mission has failed, I thought happily. Somehow they would have to say that I had told them about my father’s death. Otherwise why had they come to our house? Were they there to rub salt into the wound? Or were they there to pass their heartfelt condolences? No, they won’t let our big secret out now, I convinced myself.

      ‘Yeah,’ Mrs Magwaza started hesitantly, ‘that is why we have all come – to offer our condolences.’

      After an hour or so my teachers left. My brother and I took them to their car – I wanted to make sure that they didn’t mention anything about our fight.

      ‘We didn’t get to talk Jerry; what happened to your eye?’ asked my brother as they were about to get inside the car.

      ‘Oh this? It’s nothing,’ said Big Punisher. ‘I had a little car accident. Don’t worry, I’m fine.’

      ‘When did it happen?’

      ‘The day before yesterday.’

      ‘So how’s your car?’

      ‘Not that bad.’

      As he answered my brother’s questions I noticed that he was lisping. I watched him closely to assess the damage for myself and saw a wide gap where his two upper front teeth had been knocked out. The other teachers were already inside the car. Big Punisher got into the back seat and my brother closed the door for him.

      ‘Don’t forget to come to school on Monday. We have a test on Tuesday.’ It was Mrs Magwaza reminding me. ‘Ask David your friend about specific chapters we are going to write about.’

      ‘Yes, Mam.’

      It was over. I had won.

      four

      Landing back in Dr Winterburn’s office from the reminiscence of my father’s death, I saw her putting my documents back into the large brown envelope that I had brought with me. She took a deep breath and sighed. She looked at me, back to her computer and then to the ceiling.

      ‘Mr Njomane, the decision was taken on the basis of the information that we had at that time. But I’ll try to use my influence to get the committee to reverse their decision. You will hear from us in writing within the week.’

      ‘Thanks very much,’ I said.

      ‘Not so fast, Mr Njomane. Remember I’m not promising anything.’

      ‘Yes, Dr Winterburn.’

      ‘All right. For now you must leave these documents with me.’

      I felt relieved. I hoped that something positive was going to come out of this nightmare. I thanked Dr Winterburn for her patience and left.

      But before I could get far, I suddenly felt a sharp pain in my gut. It was as if someone had stabbed my stomach with a sharp razor blade and cut my intestines. It was the kind of pain that I imagine Verwoerd felt the day Tsafendas’s knife intruded violently into his gut.

      As I entered the toilet I saw three guys standing and pointing their penises towards the gutter. I passed them and went straight to the basin, where I turned on the tap and washed my hands, I splashed the water over my face and onto my shaven head.

      The mirror that was attached to the wall above the basin reflected a very different face from the one I knew as my own. The pimple on my forehead had turned into a little tumour. My eyes were round and bloodshot.

      The pain began again as I left the mirror. I pushed open a cubicle door that was ajar. The door hit the knees of the person who was sitting on the toilet inside.

      ‘Somebody. Gee! Don’t you knock when opening a closed door?’ said an anonymous voice.

      I didn’t answer. I went straight to the next cubicle, after convincing myself that there was nobody inside. Closing the door behind me, I took down my pants and sat on the toilet. I tried to force something out of my stomach, but it would not come. It was already twenty past eleven – I had missed an African Literature tutorial. But I hadn’t prepared for it anyway. I would attend the next class, which was Political Studies, at twelve.

      I sat there inside the ceramic shitpot thinking about my victory. As I relaxed, staring at the ceiling, I felt something coming out of my bowels. I tried to push but it went back into my colon again. I tried again with all my power, but only succeeded in emitting a very loud fart. The guy next door started to laugh. Those who were urinating at the gutter joined him. The laughter continued. I didn’t care; they couldn’t see my face anyway. I lingered inside the cubicle, waiting until they had gone. Suddenly there was a knock on my door.

      ‘Somebody,’ I answered.

      ‘Are you shitting or masturbating?’

      ‘Both. Do you want to eat my shit or drink my sperm?’

      ‘Uhhu! Shit! That smells. What did you eat?’

      ‘Your sister.’

      ‘Shit. It’s stinking.’

      ‘Of course it is. Did you expect a beautiful aroma?’

      It was quiet for a little while, then there were footsteps: somebody was coming into the toilet. I heard the door to the cubicle on my left being closed; then I heard laughter.

      ‘What are you laughing at?’ I asked.

      ‘Nothing. I’m just thinking of your mother.’

      I kept quiet and stared at the wall. On the white door next to the handle there were some words scrawled in black highlighter:

      DON’T JUST SIT THERE AND BROOD LIKE A CHICKEN!

      SHIT LIKE THUNDER!

      I immediately remembered what my brother’s educated friend had said when I had been back home in Orlando West the other day. He had encouraged me to read any graffiti, whether good or bad, wherever it was written. He said I would always learn something from it. Even when I took a piece of newspaper to wipe my arse after having a shit, I should read it. According to him, this would make me knowledgeable. I didn’t know whether that was good or bad advice; your guess would be as good as mine. But that was the reason I continued to read the graffiti. Many things were written there. The graffiti on my left-hand side really amused me:

      IF YOU WANT YOUR BIG DICK TO BE

      SUCKED WITHIN A MINUTE,

      PUT IT THROUGH THE HOLE ON YOUR RIGHT

      AND YOU WON’T REGRET

      A second lot of graffiti, which complemented the first, read:

      WIPE YOUR BUTT

      AND PUT IT AGAINST THE HOLE ON YOUR RIGHT

      FOR A FREE