Prison Memoirs of an Anarchist. Berkman Alexander

damn ’em! What do I care about ’em! Will they hang me, that’s what I want to know.”

      “May be they will,” I reply, irritated at the profanation of my ideal. A look of terror spreads over his face. His eyes are fastened upon me, his lips parted. “Yes,” I continue, “perhaps they will hang you. Many innocent men have suffered such a fate. I don’t think you are innocent, either; nor blind. You don’t need those glasses; there is nothing the matter with your eyes. Now understand, Billy, I don’t want them to hang you. I don’t believe in hanging. But I must tell you the truth, and you’d better be ready for the worst.”

      Gradually the look of fear fades from his face. Rage suffuses his cheeks with spots of dark red.

      “You’re crazy! What’s the use talkin’ to you, anyhow? You are a damn Anarchist. I’m a good Catholic, I want you to know that! I haven’t always did right, but the good father confessed me last week. I’m no damn murderer like you, see? It was an accident. I’m pretty near blind, and this is a Christian country, thank God! They won’t hang a blind man. Don’t you ever talk to me again!”

      XI

      The days and weeks pass in wearying monotony, broken only by my anxiety about the approaching trial. It is part of the designed cruelty to keep me ignorant of the precise date. “Hold yourself ready. You may be called any time,” the Warden had said. But the shadows are lengthening, the days come and go, and still my name has not appeared on the court calendar. Why this torture? Let me have over with it. My mission is almost accomplished,—the explanation in court, and then my life is done. I shall never again have an opportunity to work for the Cause. I may therefore leave the world. I should die content, but for the partial failure of my plans. The bitterness of disappointment is gnawing at my heart. Yet why? The physical results of my act cannot affect its propagandistic value. Why, then, these regrets? I should rise above them. But the gibes of officers and prisoners wound me. “Bad shot, ain’t you?” They do not dream how keen their thoughtless thrusts. I smile and try to appear indifferent, while my heart bleeds. Why should I, the revolutionist, be moved by such remarks? It is weakness. They are so far beneath me; they live in the swamp of their narrow personal interests; they cannot understand. And yet the croaking of the frogs may reach the eagle’s aerie, and disturb the peace of the heights.

      The “trusty” passes along the gallery. He walks slowly, dusting the iron railing, then turns to give my door a few light strokes with the cat-o’-many-tails. Leaning against the outer wall, he stoops low, pretending to wipe the doorsill,—there is a quick movement of his hand, and a little roll of white is shot between the lower bars, falling at my feet. “A stiff,” he whispers.

Indifferently I pick up the note. I know no one in the jail; it is probably some poor fellow asking for cigarettes. Placing the roll between the pages of a newspaper, I am surprised to find it in German. From whom can it be? I turn to the signature. Carl Nold? It’s impossible; it’s a trap! No, but that handwriting,—I could not mistake it: the small, clear chirography is undoubtedly Nold’s. But how did he smuggle in this note? I feel the blood rush to my head as my eye flits over the penciled lines: Bauer and he are arrested;67 they are in the jail now, charged with conspiracy to kill Frick; detectives swore they met them in my company, in front of the Frick office building. They have engaged a lawyer, the note runs on. Would I accept his services? I probably have no money, and I shouldn’t expect any from New York, because Most—what’s this?—because Most has repudiated the act—68

      The gong tolls the exercise hour. With difficulty I walk to the gallery. I feel feverish: my feet drag heavily, and I stumble against the railing.

      “Is yo sick, Ahlick?” It must be the negro’s voice. My throat is dry; my lips refuse to move. Hazily I see the guard approach. He walks me to the cell, and lowers the berth. “You may lie down.” The lock clicks, and I’m alone.

      The line marches past, up and down, up and down. The regular footfall beats against my brain like hammer strokes. When will they stop? My head aches dreadfully—I am glad I don’t have to walk—it was good of the negro to call the guard—I felt so sick. What was it? Oh, the note! Where is it?

      The possibility of loss dismays me. Hastily I pick the newspaper up from the floor. With trembling hands I turn the leaves. Ah, it’s here! If I had not found it, I vaguely wonder, were the thing mere fancy?

The sight of the crumpled paper fills me with dread. Nold and Bauer here! Perhaps—if they act discreetly—all will be well. They are innocent; they can prove it. But Most! How can it be possible? Of course, he was displeased when I began to associate with the autonomists.69 But how can that make any difference? At such a time! What matter personal likes and dislikes to a revolutionist, to a Most—the hero of my first years in America, the name that stirred my soul in that little library in Kovno—Most, the Bridge of Liberty! My teacher—the author of the Kriegswissenschaft70—the ideal revolutionist—he to denounce me, to repudiate propaganda by deed?

It’s incredible! I cannot believe it. The Girl will not fail to write to me about it. I’ll wait till I hear from her. But, then, Nold is himself a great admirer of Most; he would not say anything derogatory, unless fully convinced that it is true. Yet—it is barely conceivable. How to explain such a change in Most? To forswear his whole past, his glorious past! He was always so proud of it, and of his extreme revolutionism. Some tremendous motive must be back of such apostasy. It has no parallel in Anarchist annals. But what can it be? How boldly he acted during the Haymarket tragedy—publicly advised the use of violence to avenge the capitalist conspiracy. He must have realized the danger of the speech for which he was later doomed to Blackwell’s Island.71 I remember his defiant manner on the way to prison. How I admired his strong spirit, as I accompanied him on the last ride! That was only a little over a year ago, and he is just out a few months. Perhaps—is it possible? A coward? Has that prison experience influenced his present attitude? Why, it is terrible to think of. Most—a coward? He who has devoted his entire life to the Cause, sacrificed his seat in the Reichstag72 because of uncompromising honesty, stood in the forefront all his life, faced peril and danger,—he a coward? Yet, it is impossible that he should have suddenly altered the views of a lifetime. What could have prompted his denunciation of my act? Personal dislike? No, that was a matter of petty jealousy. His confidence in me, as a revolutionist, was unbounded. Did he not issue a secret circular letter to aid my plans concerning Russia?73 That was proof of absolute faith. One could not change his opinion so suddenly. Moreover, it can have no bearing on his repudiation of a terrorist act. I can find no explanation, unless—can it be?—fear of personal consequences. Afraid he might be held responsible, perhaps. Such a possibility is not excluded, surely. The enemy hates him bitterly, and would welcome an opportunity, would even conspire, to hang him. But that is the price one pays for his love of humanity. Every revolutionist is exposed to this danger. Most especially; his whole career has been a duel with tyranny. But he was never before influenced by such considerations. Is he not prepared to take the responsibility for his terrorist propaganda, the work of his whole life? Why has he suddenly been stricken with fear? Can it be? Can it be?…

      My soul is in the throes of agonizing doubt. Despair grips my heart, as I hesitatingly admit to myself the probable truth. But it cannot be; Nold has made a mistake. May be the letter is a trap; it was not written by Carl. But I know his hand so well. It is his, his! Perhaps I’ll have a letter in the morning. The Girl—she is the only one I can trust—she’ll tell me—

      My head feels heavy. Wearily I lie on the bed. Perhaps to-­morrow… a letter…

      XII

      “Your pards are here. Do you want to see them?” the Warden asks.

      “What ‘pards’?”

      “Your partners, Bauer and Nold.”

      “My comrades, you mean. I have no partners.”

      “Same thing. Want to see them? Their lawyers are here.”

      “Yes, I’ll see them.”

      Of course, I myself need no defence. I will conduct my own case, and explain my act. But I shall be glad to