The Amours & Alarums of Eliza MacLean. Annie Warwick

knob on the high notes to preserve the glassware and any passing eardrums.

      Richard appeared to have a considerable private income, over and above what he earned in his profession. He didn’t come from old family and old money, but nonetheless he grew up with the belief that he didn’t have to impress anybody, and so felt free to live in whatever manner he chose. His house had been in the family for generations, one of many such pieces of real estate, and he didn’t bother much with the décor or home maintenance, unless something was leaking or about to explode. Being a celebrity in theatrical circles ensured that people thought he was merely charmingly eccentric.

      So at least Eliza didn’t have to raise herself in poverty. Someone came in to clean the house, do the washing, and cook five meals a week. A modicum of domestic competence was expected of Eliza, and she was tested in these skills from time to time, although she was probably far too young to be put in charge of a roasting pan and a gas oven. Baking was more fun than cleaning the bathroom, or peeling veg, she decided, and playing culinary jokes on her father, like making Chelsea buns for dinner, appealed to her sense of humour.

      Richard required that school work must be completed with high grades, but otherwise Eliza’s time, what remained of it, was her own.

Although this is not Kathy’s story, it is predictable that she eventually pursued an acting and dancing career. No sibling rivalry was needed here as, well into her twenties, Eliza regularly fell over nothing on non-slip floors, using this deficit to further substantiate her claim that acting was an unsuitable career for people like her.3 Interestingly, she had no trouble climbing trees or keeping her balance on a roof.

3 See note 2 above on bumping into furniture.

      Because this is Eliza’s story, it is also Richard’s, and lest it be thought that he was an uncaring father, let us be clear now that nothing could be further from the truth. He absolutely adored Eliza, and let her know it frequently, but when, shortly after his thirty-first birthday, he assumed full care of her, he was still young, in the way some men tend to be when they have been surrounded by admiring women all their lives. Unless hit on the head with some evidence of his parental neglect, he assumed everything was going well.

      * * *

      Billy You wouldn’t do old Hook in now, would you, lad? I’ll go away forever. I’ll do anything you say.

      Eliza Well, all right, if you say you’re a codfish.

      Billy I’m a codfish.

      Eliza Louder!

      Billy (screaming) I’m a codfish!

      Eliza Hook is a codfish! Hook is a codfish!

      Billy tries to stab Eliza with his school ruler, but she dodges and he falls into the sea (a.k.a. the grass). Eliza changes roles and becomes the crocodile. She snaps at his heels as he swims away frantically.

      Eliza Tick tock tick tock tick tock …

      Billy Nooooooooo!

      * * *

      Billy did not appear to regard Eliza as a nuisance, in fact he apparently sought out her company at times, which puzzled both Richard and Billy’s parents. She came into his life at an awkward and painful age, when he did not have many friends to whom he could relate, and none who understood his obsessive drive to act. Perhaps he saw in Eliza a kindred spirit, hopping the fence after school and playing Captain Hook to her Peter Pan. She in turn would help him with his lines in the school play by reading the other parts, which also improved her reading skills. Eliza was always glad to see him and never told him lies, even if the truth hurt, thus she was his earliest and most honest critic as well as his most admiring fan.

      When the student is ready, the teacher appears. At about the time Eliza and Billy first exchanged Arrrs, Richard, who loved to teach acting almost as much as the acting itself, was involved in Saturday drama classes for young people. Billy eventually joined the class on Richard’s suggestion. He had noticed a certain raw talent in Billy, perhaps seeing himself at a similar age, and decided to encourage him. At that stage, Richard became the drawcard for Billy: a male role model who didn’t expect him to go into the family business or ridicule him for his theatrical penchant.

      Billy took correction and impatience from Richard which would have had him spitting tacks at his father and slamming out of the house. He tried it once, but Richard merely said, to his departing, huffy back, “Do you want to act or not?”

      Billy stopped on his way to the door. After a pause, he turned, and said, “Yes”, which was accompanied by a few remaining un-spat tacks.

      “Then you will need to take your critiques with your accolades,” said Richard. “Don’t ever do that again!” he added, a touch of irritation in his voice. Billy was hot tempered, but he could always change direction if the map suggested he was going to drive into a gully.

      Inevitably, Billy gradually became absorbed into the MacLean household. Richard was happy to have another source of Eliza-sitting at his disposal and Billy was quietly pleased to be associated with this guru of the dramatic arts. A certain stitched-up atmosphere prevailed at Billy’s home, and the unconventional MacLeans made him feel unrestricted and more aware of his own dreams and potential. His aura at home would have been a tealight, at the MacLeans, a candelabra.

      * * *

      The friendship which had developed between Eliza and Billy ended when she and Richard moved to Australia for a year in 1994. He was appearing in a TV series as a handsome but sinister doctor, providing himself with extra income and intellectual stimulation by teaching Voice to the next generation of teenage soapie stars. Eliza was just ten, attending a private girls’ school in one of Sydney’s leafy suburbs, and finding no shortage of invitations to attend parties and sleepovers. This puzzled her since, although friendly and entertaining when in the mood, she was quite at home in her own company and did not seek out friends. She investigated this unusual phenomenon.

      “Angie, why did you invite me to your sleepover? I’m pretty sure you don’t like me that much.” Later on Eliza would fine-tune her social skills but for now she was just being honest.

      “No, you’re right. I don’t like you at all, actually.” Now here was a girl who didn’t have any trouble with expressing the truth as she saw it.

      “So … ?”

      “My mother has a king-size crush on your father.”

      “What! Did she pay you a fee? Why can’t she just dance naked on our front lawn or something? He’d probably take her in, he’s not that fussy.” Eliza was mortified and it manifested itself in sarcasm.

      Angie gasped in outrage. Slaps and punches ensued. There was flying fur, hissing and growling, hair pulled, shins kicked, foul language, all to the excited cheering of onlookers. Eliza, who would probably never have given up even if she was bleeding from the ears, was later deemed by a panel of gladiatorial spectators to have won because Angie started crying. Cue arrival of outraged duty mistress. Attendance at principal’s office, detention in separate rooms. Note to parents.

      Just to ensure her research was accurate, Eliza asked one of the other girls but modified her approach, taking the above experience into account. “Kyra, did you invite me to your birthday party because someone in your family has a crush on my father?”

      “Yeah, sorry. Don’t hit me!”

      “That’s okay. Happens all the time.” Eliza patted the girl on the shoulder. Kyra and Eliza became friends after that, although they both agreed they would keep it secret from Kyra’s oldest sister.

      It occurred to Eliza that she had very few friends who apparently liked her for herself. It was all a bit depressing, because although she didn’t crave approval, she had grown up expecting it. Really, Richard could have