Living With Contradiction. Esther de Waal

is deeply incarnational, which is gentle and open, accepting of the other (and not least of the other side of my own self). Like the diameter of a circle or the diagnosis of a disease, true dialogue means going through to the centre – just as the stone boss carries the thrust of a medieval arch so that that creative holding together of the tensions brings the essential stability to the whole building.

      What follows in this book takes the form of meditations which I originally gave at the ‘Benedictine Experience’ weeks which first started when I was living in Canterbury and have since then spread widely elsewhere. The pattern of our time together was shaped by an attempt to live out that daily rhythm which is fundamental to St Benedict's recognition that we are all made up of body, mind and spirit and that due attention must be paid to each of these elements. So there was time for prayer, study and work, all set within the saying of the daily offices, the opus Dei. There was time to be alone and time to be with others, time for silence and time for recreation.

      The week worked at two levels. It was an individual experience in which each participant learnt more about himself or herself and tried to carry that humane balance back into their working lives. But it was also a shared, corporate experience of making a temporary community out of people of very different backgrounds and religious denominations – and in the case of South Africa, of different race. So right at the start we were already living out one of the insights of the Rule: unless we learn to live with ourselves we cannot live with others. But equally, unless and until we have leant to live fully and creatively with others we cannot hope to live with our own selves. We had to face the tension of that constant inward, outward movement which is one of the inescapable contradictions of all our lives.

      It is the daily exploration of the themes of the Rule, in the form of meditations rather than as discussion or teaching, that has formed this book. They are set out very much as I originally delivered them. I hope that they will be read prayerfully and reflectively just as the original talks were meant to be heard prayerfully and reflectively. This means reading them slowly, which is not a natural accomplishment of the twentieth century, where the ruminative reading of an earlier age is no longer familiar. Sometimes the same themes or the same images will appear and re-appear, and this is intentional. This is after all what I find in the Rule itself, which the longer that I have stayed with it, the more I have come to appreciate how like a tapestry it is, and how one can be drawn first by one thread and then by another.

      At each successive stage in my life I have found in St Benedict a guide and support as I turn to him with new demands and new questions in a life whose contradictions and complexities have not – as I expected when I was younger – decreased as time goes on. My wish is that these reflections will enable others to find in the Rule the same practical help and gentle guidance that I have found. For St Benedict is always gentle, nurturing, sensitive to each one of us as the uniquely individual person that we are. There is no technology here to threaten, no system to be acquired or mastered. Instead he shows us how to live with a succession of opening doors. He shows us how to live with contradictions: he does not tell us that they will necessarily be resolved.

      These pages follow and I hope deepen what I was trying to do in an earlier book, Seeking God: the Way of St Benedict in which I tried to show the profound difference that my encounter with the Rule made on my life. Since then I have travelled widely and have been warmly received as a sister in Christ by numberless communities of Benedictine men and women, and I owe an immense debt to the many sustaining and stimulating monastic friendships all over the world which have grown from that. But in the last resort this is a book written by a lay woman for other laypeople. It is a very personal attempt to show how St Benedict continues to be inspiration and mentor, supporting me and challenging me, on my own Christian journey. I hope that it will lead others to discover this man and his Rule for themselves. It is for that reason that I have included as the start of the book the Prologue which is like the overture to a great orchestral work setting out all the main themes which are to follow. Here St Benedict gives us some of the most memorable passages and the most lyrical of phrases of his writing. And so I find myself saying ‘the ear of your heart’; ‘a school for the Lord's service’; ‘nothing harsh, nothing burdensome’; ‘our hearts overflowing with the inexpressible delight of love’; but above all, ‘See how the Lord in his love shows us the way of life’.

      ESTHER DE WAAL

      1997

      THE PROLOGUE TO THE RULE

      THE RULE OF SAINT BENEDICT

       Prologue

      ¹Listen carefully, my son, to the master's instructions, and attend to them with the ear of your heart. This is advice from a father who loves you; welcome it, and faithfully put it into practice. ²The labour of obedience will bring you back to him from whom you had drifted through the sloth of disobedience. ³This message of mine is for you, then, if you are ready to give up your own will, once and for all, and armed with the strong and noble weapons of obedience to do battle for the true King, Christ the Lord.

      ⁴First of all, every time you begin a good work, you must pray to him most earnestly to bring it to perfection. ⁵In his goodness, he has already counted us as his sons, and therefore we should never grieve him by our evil actions. ⁶With his good gifts which are in us, we must obey him at all times that he may never become the angry father who disinherits his sons, ⁷Nor the dread lord, enraged by our sins, who punishes us forever as worthless servants for refusing to follow him to glory.

      ⁸Let us get up then, at long last, for the Scriptures rouse us when they say: It is high time for us to arise from sleep (Romans 13: 11). ⁹Let us open our eyes to the light that comes from God, and our ears to the voice from heaven that every day calls out this charge. ¹⁰If you hear his voice today, do not harden your hearts (Psalm 94 [95]:8). ¹¹And again: You that have ears to hear, listen to what the Spirit says to the churches (Revelation 2:7). ¹²And what does he say? Come and listen to me, sons; I will teach you the fear of the Lord (Psalm 33 [34]:12). ¹³Run while you have the light of life, that the darkness of death may not overtake you (John 12:35).

      ¹⁴Seeking his workman in a multitude of people, the Lord calls out to him and lifts his voice again: ¹⁵Is there anyone here who yearns for life and desires to see good days? (Psalm 33[34]:13 ¹⁶If you hear this and your answer is “I do,” God then directs these words to you: ¹⁷If you desire true and eternal life, keep your tongue free from vicious talk and your lips from all deceit; turn away from evil and do good; let peace be your quest and aim (Psalm 33[34]:14–15). ¹⁸Once you have done this, my eyes will be upon you and my ears will listen for your prayers; and even before you ask me, I will say to you: Here I am (Isaiah 58:9), ¹⁹What, dear brothers, is more delightful than this voice of the Lord calling to us? ²⁰See how the Lord in his love shows us the way of life. ²¹Clothed then with faith and the performance of good works, let us set out on this way, with the Gospel for our guide, that we may deserve to see him who has called us to his kingdom (1 Thessalonians 2:12).

      ²²If we wish to dwell in the tent of this kingdom, we will never arrive unless we run there by doing good deeds. ²³But let us ask the Lord with the Prophet: Who will dwell in your tent. Lord; who will find rest upon your holy mountain? (Psalm 14[15]:1) ²⁴After this question, brothers, let us listen well to what the Lord says in reply, for he shows us the way to his tent. ²⁵One who walks without blemish, he says, and is just in all his dealings; 26who speaks the truth from his heart and has not practised deceit with his tongue; 27who has not wronged a fellow man in any way, not listened to slanders against his neighbour (Psalm 14[15]:2–3). ²⁸He has foiled the evil one, the devil, at every turn, flinging both him and his promptings far from the sight of his heart. While these temptations were still young, he caught hold of them and dashed them against Christ (Psalm