Marriage Is Just The Beginning. Betty Sanders Jane

He shut his eyes for one long minute, half expecting the phone to ring again, then slowly walked over to the window when it didn’t. The lights of the town burned below, throwing shadows on the snow that spread across lawns and roofs, so that it looked like a thick layer of winter butter.

       If you couldn’t keep a wife happy, what makes you think you can be a good parent?

      Hugh’s words returned. Unbidden. Unwanted.

      Pain slammed through Grant, taking his breath away. His hands curled into fists as a wave of guilt followed. As the memory of Catherine’s unhappiness unrolled in his mind.

      He’d tried. Oh, how he had tried.

      And he had failed.

      The words screamed through his mind, angry accusations from the past.

      Head bowed, fists clenched, he fought the memory. What happened between he and Catherine had nothing— not one damned thing—to do with his being a good parent to Cassie. He slowly raised his head. Forced each finger to unfurl.

      The only thing that mattered was what was best for Cassie.

      That is all he wanted and worked so hard for. It would be easier if he could deny his absences did not have much impact on Cassie, but he couldn’t. The walls inched closer once again.

      It would be easier if he could deny that Hugh’s concerns had some validity. He couldn’t.

      Regardless, he would never give Cassie up. To anyone. He couldn’t quit his job—he had to work to be able to provide for his daughter. Baby-sitters and nannies weren’t the answer. He took a deep breath, then another and a third, as his mind circled the truth like a wary wolf a trap.

      He needed to find a mother for Cassie. A wife.

      As soon as possible.

      The very thought chilled his soul.

      * * *

      “I have decided to get married,” Grant told Sharon the next evening over fresh-baked pie and coffee in her kitchen.

      “Married?” she echoed, color draining from her face.

      The darkness of her eyes, filled with shock, pulled at him. The shiny mass of dark red-brown curls that stopped at the curve of jaw made her skin seem even paler. Skin that would be soft to the touch.

      He frowned and looked away.

      A shout of laughter, the bark of a dog, drifted through the window from the backyard. Cassie was playing out back with Brittany.

      “I didn’t know you were seeing anyone,” Sharon finally said.

      “I’m not.” Grant shoved his empty plate back, forced himself to look at her. “I am thinking…planning to run an ad in the Anchorage paper.”

      Her mouth dropped open, then she snapped it shut “You’ve given up on finding a sitter,” she said flatly.

      “Not permanent enough.”

      “I see.” She slowly pushed her plate back. “Are you that worried about losing Cassie? I thought the attorney said—”

      “It’s not just the custody suit. Cassie needs a mother and there is only one way I know to provide that,” he said grimly. “You yourself suggested I do something.”

      “I suggested that you spend more time with your daughter, she said quietly. “And I also offered to watch Cassie for you.”

      “Sharon, you know that I appreciate everything you do, everything that you have done for Cassie, but I need to find a permanent solution. And I can’t accept your offer. It wouldn’t be fair to you.”

      After a minute, she cleared her throat. “Why an ad, Grant? Why not marry someone you know, someone who cares at least a little about Cassie?” She continued before he could speak. “Maybe you should do something temporary. Let me watch her the way I offered and start dating. In time you’ll get over losing Catherine, Grant, and meet someone you can love again.”

      Grant laughed, a harsh, humorless burst of sound. “If it wasn’t for Cassie, I would never marry again.” He slowly enunciated each cold word.

      Sharon’s eyes widened. She opened her mouth as if to argue, then closed it.

      He chose his words carefully. “This is going to be a business deal only, with a contract up front, a salary and a bonus for completion.”

      Sharon slowly shook her head.

      “It’s no different from hiring a sitter or a nanny,” he argued. “You know as well as I that if I hired a live-in, half the town would have us involved or at least in bed with each other unless she was ninety-five and in a wheelchair, and maybe even then. At least if I contract someone for marriage, she’ll know up front exactly what I expect. There will be no emotional involvement or expectation between us. And no one, not Hugh or Dorothy or anyone else, can find fault with the situation.”

      “You can’t pay someone to love Cassie,” she said quietly.

      “I would hope they would come to love her.” He sighed, suddenly tired. “I have to do this, Sharon. It’s not a perfect solution, a perfect world, but there isn’t a thing I can do about that.”

      

      Sharon tossed and turned, squeezed her eyes shut, tried to force sleep—and finally gave up. The digital letters on the clock confirmed that it was four in the morning. Brittany burrowed deeper on the blankets and watched with sleepy eyes as Sharon pulled on a pair of worn sweats. At least it was Saturday, so she could nap later.

      The thoughts that had haunted her throughout the night returned full force. Grant was going to marry. She closed her eyes briefly. Brittany trotted at her heels as Sharon headed for the kitchen, badly in need of a cup of coffee. Cold air greeted her as she shooed the sleepy pup out into the backyard, then turned toward the coffeepot.

       I have decided to get married.

      The words seemed to shriek through her mind, through the silence of the winter’s early morning, as a layer of dark quiet and frigid temperatures covered Alaska like a thick, impenetrable quilt. Exhausted from a sleepless night, she told herself for about the ten-millionth time that she was overreacting. The coffeepot choked and gargled. Brittany barked, then shook snow from herself when Sharon let her in.

       It’s not a perfect solution, a perfect world, but there isn’t a thing I can do about that.

      Although she well knew that, Grant’s words still caused her heart to ache. In a perfect world she would not have gotten the infection that had hospitalized her just months after getting married, then had kept her flat on her back in bed for three weeks at home, leaving her so badly scarred internally that she was unable to give her husband the children they both so desperately wanted. In a perfect world Charley would not have stopped loving her because of it, would not have left her for a pregnant girlfriend who happened to be Sharon’s best friend. Catherine wouldn’t have gotten ill. The list could go on.

      She poured a cup of coffee, wandered into the living room to pull the drapes, then curled on the love seat to watch as snow drifted to the ground. Brittany curled next to her, chin resting on Sharon’s ankle.

      In a perfect world, she would have been pretty enough to catch Grant’s interest and they would have fallen in love. Instead, she’d had to endure their high school years, watching Grant date the prettiest girls while she went unnoticed. By college, she had reconciled herself to the fact that she and Grant would be nothing more than friends. Yet when he had brought Catherine home to meet the family, then married the sophisticated, beautiful blonde, Sharon had been shattered with a sense of loss.

      And now he was doing it to her again. Marrying another woman.

      Why not me? The thought welled up from within, so strong and unexpected that Sharon nearly sputtered taking a sip of coffee.

      Don’t be ridiculous, she told herself.