Mr Landen Has No Brain. Stephen Walker

      Mr Landen Has No Brain

      Stephen Walker

       Copyright

      Voyager An Imprint of HarperCollinsPublishers 1 London Bridge Street London SE1 9GF

       www.voyager-books.co.uk

      A Paperback Original 2001

      Copyright © Stephen Walker 2001

      Stephen Walker asserts the moral right to be identified as the author of this work

      All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the non-exclusive, non-transferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, down-loaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins e-books.

      Source ISBN: 9780006483816

      Ebook Edition © FEBRUARY 2016 ISBN: 9780007400881 Version: 2015-12-14

      For bunny rabbits.

      Contents

       Cover

       Title Page

       Copyright

      one

      two

      three

      four

      five

      six

      seven

      eight

      nine

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       Keep Reading

       Acknowledgements

       About the Author

       By Stephen Walker

       About the Publisher

       one

      ‘Quiver, female, for I am Lepus, master of the night, and soon you shall be my rumpy-pumpy boing-boing toy. Carrots. Carrots. Must have carrots.’ And the ‘master of the night’ crashed out of Teena Rama’s mobile home, leaving behind a huge, rabbit-shaped hole in the wall.

      From where Sally Cooper stood, just inside the front doorway, she could hear him knocking wheelie bins over in his quest for carrots.

      Across the room from her, Teena gazed out through the hole and watched his rampage. Still holding the shroud she’d had him hidden under before his grand unveiling, she enthused, ‘Is he the best boyfriend you’ve ever seen or what?’

      Mobile home? Sally’d been in smaller mansions. ‘Teena, he’s a rabbit. He’s a seven foot, talking rabbit.’

      ‘A super-evolved talking rabbit,’ Teena corrected her.

      ‘He referred to me as “female”, called me his rumpy-pumpy boing-boing toy–’

      ‘Which some would find flattering.’

      ‘–and is more interested in carrots than in me. And you think that’s a great boyfriend?’

      Teena rolled up the shroud and cast it aside. ‘His attitude leaves a little to be desired but whose boyfriend’s doesn’t?’

      ‘Yours, according to you.’

      Teena raised a suggestive eyebrow. ‘Sadly not every woman can have a Man Who Does.’

      ‘Just how desperate do you think I am that I’d go out with a giant rabbit?’

      ‘At the risk of sounding insensitive, Sally, you must face facts.’

      ‘What facts?’

      ‘You’re not an attractive woman and can’t afford to be choosy.’

      ‘Piss