To Hell in a Handcart. Richard Littlejohn

hoping that he would return and get himself articled to the town’s leading firm of solicitors, perhaps one day becoming senior partner.

      Young Edward had a different compass. Wills and conveyancing held no attraction for him. He wanted to be a street lawyer, fighting for the rights of the downtrodden, the workers, the oppressed minorities. He wasn’t going back to Nottinghamshire. He was going to London.

      As soon as he got to the LSE, he dropped the Edward Albert and adopted Justin as his given name. Very Seventies, he thought. And if anyone asked about his family, he simply said his dad worked in the Nottinghamshire coalfields. He was careful not to lie but not to tell the whole truth, either. He must have been cut out to be a lawyer.

      ‘Justin. That’s a funny name for a coal-miner’s son,’ Roberta remarked when they were introduced.

      ‘Hmm, yes, I suppose so. I wasn’t christened Justin actually, but whenever I came home from school, my mother would call out “You just in, are you?” and it sort of stuck. A bit of a family joke,’ he claimed. He almost believed it himself.

      ‘So what were you christened?’

      ‘Oh, it doesn’t matter.’

      ‘You’re right. It doesn’t matter. What’s in a name? This is the 1970s. We can be who we want to be. If you want to be Justin, that’s fine by me.’

      Their friendship was forged at university. They weren’t so much lovers as good friends who had sex sometimes, usually unsatisfactorily for both of them. But neither was experienced and neither was sure what to expect. Perhaps that was all there was to it. Roberta had been cloistered in an all-girls school and opportunities for adventures with the opposite sex were limited. Justin, or Eddie as he then was, had been an awkward, lanky youth. His overbearing mother had discouraged him from forming relationships with girls.

      At university, Roberta experimented with other men, but they were usually pissed and it didn’t seem much of an improvement on what she had with Justin. For his part, Justin didn’t seem to mind who she slept with. Their friendship transcended the sexual. He contented himself with his studies and increasing involvement in student politics.

      Their relationship was more brother and sister, even if it was occasionally incestuous.

      They were at ease with each other. They squabbled but had few hang-ups. They were not embarrassed to be naked together, or to bare their emotions.

      Justin and Roberta lay on the futon and drained the last of the Bulgarian Beaujolais. Justin rolled a joint, which he liked to smoke with cupped hands, Rastaman style.

      ‘Hey, stop hogging that,’ Roberta complained. ‘Pass it here.’ She sucked hard and inhaled the weed, holding her breath for several seconds before releasing the smoke.

      ‘This will have to stop, you know.’

      ‘What?’

      ‘Dope, booze. If you join the police.’

      ‘There’s no if about it. I have joined. I start two weeks on Monday.’

      ‘Better make the most of it, then.’

      He passed her the joint again. She took it, greedily.

      ‘You sure it’s worth it?’

      ‘One hundred and fifty per cent certain. You are sharing a joint with the future commissioner of the Metropolitan Police,’ she wheezed.

      ‘Get real.’

      ‘This is real. You watch me. And if you take my advice, you’ll get out of that law centre and find yourself a proper job with a real law firm. Make a difference, Justin. Make a difference. You can do your pro bono social work in your spare time. We’ve grown out of “the revolution starts when this pub closes” stage of our lives. The revolution starts now.’

      ‘If you’re serious about this police thing, you’re going to need me. You’re going to have to make compromises, bite your lip, never let go in public. But there will always be somewhere for you to come. I will always be here for you. I will keep your secrets and never betray you. I do love you.’

      ‘Then make love to me,’ she demanded.

      This was the bit Justin was dreading. He adored Roberta, loved to lie naked with her, but somehow the sex thing didn’t really work for him. Still, he tried.

      He rolled on top of her and kissed her dirigible breasts, almost choking on her rigid nipples.

      ‘Fuck me. Fuck me hard,’ she pleaded. ‘Inside me, now.’

      They’d already made love once that evening and it had been over in an instant. He’d taken her from behind. He found that doggy-fashion, in the dark, was the only way he could muster any enthusiasm. Twice in a night was asking a bit much and this time she wanted it on her back, with the light on.

      Roberta reached down, ripped off his pants and squeezed his balls, but the best he could manage was a lazy lob.

      By now she was frenzied, as the alcohol and narcotics kicked in, maybe for the last time in her life.

      She grabbed his cock and pulled it towards her, willing him to harden. But it was no good. It was like trying to push a marshmallow through a letter box.

      ‘Sorry, sorry, sorry,’ Justin kept repeating. ‘It must be the dope, or the booze or both. Just give me a minute.’ He so wanted to please her.

      But Roberta didn’t have a minute to spare.

      She reached up and lifted the six-inch bust of Karl Marx off the mantelpiece.

      She lay back on the futon, raised her sturdy arse, parted her knees and thrust the father of international socialism head-first between the thighs of the future Commissioner of the Metropolitan Police.

       Five

       Now

       ‘You’re listening to the Ricky Sparke show on Rocktalk 99FM. Let’s go to George on line one. Morning, George. Good to have your company today. What can we do for you?’

       ‘Hello?’

       ‘Hello.’

       ‘Can you hear me?’

       ‘Loud and clear, George.’

       ‘Er.’

       ‘Fire away, George. We’re waiting.’

       ‘You can hear me?’

       ‘Yes George. You’re live on air.’

       ‘Is that you, Ricky?’

       ‘No, it’s the Samaritans, George.’

       ‘What?’

       ‘George, you’re live on Rocktalk 99FM. You rang us. A nation awaits your pearls of wisdom.’

       ‘Well, like, what I wanted to say was, er …’

       ‘Get on with it, George. I can’t wait much longer. I’m losing the will to live.’

       ‘Well, you know, it’s about these beggars, like.’

       ‘What about them?’

       ‘Well, er, something should be done.’

       ‘And what precisely do you have in mind?’

       ‘Dogs.’

       ‘Dogs, George.