Barry Loser Hates Half Term. Jim Smith

too. ‘Hi, Great

       Aunt Mildred!’ I said, spluttering biscuit

       crumbs all over Great Aunt Mildred’s

       face, which was staring back at me.

      It was at about this moment in the

       history of the universe that I noticed

       that Great Aunt Mildred’s nose was

       about three times its usual size.

      18

      ‘Are you OK, Aunt Mildred?’ said my mum. ‘Your nose looks a bit . . . puffy.’

      ‘That’s why I’m calling,’ said Great Aunt Mildred. ‘This little blighter bit me on the end of my hooter just now and the whole thing’s swollen up like an air bag!’

      She held a jam jar up to the screen. Inside was a bright green beetle with six red legs and a humungaloid pair of pincers. ‘I was reaching for a banana when it jumped out of the fruit bowl!’ she warbled.

      19

      Bunky and Nancy slid off their bits of

      the sofa and ran over to have a look

      at Great Aunt Mildred’s nose. ‘She’s

      right - it DOES look like an air bag!’

      chuckled Bunky, as Nancy peered into

      the jam jar on the screen.

      ‘Where are your bananas from?’ asked

      Nancy.

      ‘Feeko’s Supermarket, of course!’ said

      Great Aunt Mildred.

      20

      ‘No, I meant what country!’ said Nancy,

      and Great Aunt Mildred put the jam

      jar down and wandered off, then

      reappeared a millisecond later holding

      a banana.

      ‘Sticker says “Grown in Smeldovia”,’

      said Great Aunt Mildred, and Nancy

      gasped.

      ‘I knew I recognised that insect - it’s a

      Smeldovian Biting Banana Beetle,’ Nancy

      said. ‘They’re extremely poisonous!’

      21

      I looked at Bunky and raised my favourite eyebrow.

      ‘Typikeel Nancy!’ I said, seeing as she

       always knows stuff like that -

       especially since she’d started going

       along to her dad’s loserish nature club.

      ‘POISONOUS?’ gasped Great Aunt

       Mildred, grabbing her nose. ‘What

       does that mean?’ she whimpered.

      ‘It means I’m coming round right now!’

       said my mum.

      22

      ‘Call you when I get there!’ cried my

       mum, reversing out of the driveway,

       and we all waved. She’d thrown her

       travel bag into the back seat of her

       car, seeing as Great Aunt Mildred lived

       about eight million miles away and

       she’d have to stay until she was better,

       which might be all week.

      23

      ‘B-but, Maureen . . .’ warbled my dad,

       bending over to pick up Desmond Loser

       the Second. ‘What about my bad back?

       I can’t look after Barry and Desmond

       all on my own!’

      ‘Oh don’t be pathetic, Kenneth!’ said my

       mum, honking the horn, and she was

       gone. Which meant . . .

      24

      ‘PARTY TIME!’ I shouted, running back

       into the sitting room. I forward-rolled

       on to the sofa and flopped my legs

       over the back of it, settling down

       to watch the rest of

      Future Ratboy,

      upside-down-stylee. ‘This half term is

       gonna be AMAZEKEEL!’

      ‘It is NOT party time!’ shouted my dad,

       marching into the room and plonking

       Desmond on the carpet. ‘ARGH, MY

       BACK!’ he cried, taking about three

       hours to straighten up again.

      25

      Future Ratboy ended and I flipped myself backwards off the sofa, somersaulting through the air and landing bum-first on the coffee table.

      ‘I know - let’s jump up and down on

      my mum and dad’s bed!’ I cried,

      waggling my hands around like a tree.

      ‘Keelness times a millikeels!’ shouted

      Bunky, and me, him and Nancy all

      ran upstairs.

      26

      ‘THAT’S ENOUGH!’ boomed my dad,

       barging into the bedroom once we’d

       been bouncing up and down on the

       bed long enough for his bedside table

       to have juddered halfway across the

       room. He plonked Desmond down and

       something went snap. ‘MY BACK!’ he

       screamed again, waddling over to the

       bed and flomping down on it, bent in

       half like an L.

      27

      ‘POOWEE, what’s that stink?’ snuffled

      Bunky, jumping off the bed and

      waggling his nose in the air, and we

      all looked at Desmond.

      Desmond’s face had turned red and

      his eyes were rolling in their sockets.

      28

      ‘Er, Da-ad? I think Desmond’s doing

       another poo-oo?’ I said, sniggling to

       Bunky and Nancy, and they both bent

       in half like Ls too, except out of

       laughter instead of pain.

      ‘RIGHT, THAT’S IT!’ shouted my dad

       from the bed. ‘BUNKY, NANCY, YOU’RE

       GOING HOME!’

      29

      ‘Apologies for my father - I’ll call

       you later,’ I said, as Bunky and Nancy

       walked off down the road, and I

       slammed the front door and stomped

       back upstairs to my mum and dad’s

       room. ‘THANK YOU VERY MUCH

       INDEED!’ I shouted, once I got there.

      30

      My