Raw. Lydia Davies
Читать онлайн.| Название | Raw |
|---|---|
| Автор произведения | Lydia Davies |
| Жанр | Биографии и Мемуары |
| Серия | HarperTrue Life – A Short Read |
| Издательство | Биографии и Мемуары |
| Год выпуска | 0 |
| isbn | 9780008118167 |
At the age of 19 I was diagnosed with anorexia nervosa. Through this illness, I lost so much more than just an excessive amount of weight. I was ripped away from the life I had created at university in Newcastle, thus taking away my degree, two and a half years’ worth of work, my freedom, friends, boyfriend and independence. I was transported back to the life a child lives, being nursed, cared for and catered to by my incredible family. Every sense of normality in life that I knew was gone, and so was my sanity.
The pages that follow are a raw record of the unexpected journey I found myself on. Along with original letters from my doctors, I have included letters to and from family members and friends, messages of support and encouragement from loads of amazing people when I was really struggling, posts from my blog which I wrote throughout my attempts at recovery, personal notes from my phone and suicide notes that I wrote in desperate times.
The first letter from my mother is, I now realise, the starting point of when my secret (which I didn’t know I had) was out. I was in complete denial, and absolutely oblivious to the fact that I was anorexic. To be looked in the eye and told by a medical professional that you are going to die should be one of the most terrifying moments imaginable. When I was told this on three separate occasions, not once did it hit me. I was so far away in a separate realm to reality that my concept of everything was gone.
Two years on, what happened to me is still extremely raw, and it consumes a large space of my mind, dominating most of my memories. Through recovery I developed bulimia nervosa, attempted suicide on more occasions than I would like to mention, have been at my absolute lowest mentally and physically, and ripped my family’s hearts out.
This chronological map of words and documents may help people to understand the damaged and delicate mind of a sufferer. I want people to be informed about what it is really like to get pulled down so deep into the dangerous world of disordered eating, and I want other sufferers to feel comfort, and perhaps gain courage from this open book of my most personal secrets.
It was on the nineteenth of October 2011 that I received a letter from my mother via email, which cut through my heart like a knife. My stomach dropped and I burst into tears as I read it. I had been completely emotionless and glassy-eyed for some time up until this point.
A letter from my mum
Dear Lydia,
From the moment you were born I loved you with all my heart and that love has only deepened with time. You are beautiful, smart, funny, kind, loyal, caring … (and many more good things). You have so much going for you: loyal friends who love you, a lovely boyfriend, a family who loves you (you mean the world to all of us). You have a great living situation this year and you seem to be getting stuck into work in a more positive way than last year or the year before. It is lovely hearing you sound positive and excited about the future, thinking of Paris, styling, travelling, etc.
You were brave in seeking help for feelings of depression in the summer and while the positive effects of the treatment are clear to see, it will be natural to have ups and downs – everyone does; but keeping on with the counselling will, as you know, help you to deal with negative thoughts.
I have written hundreds of letters to you in my head when I can’t sleep for worrying about you, and I thought that I would try to write some of my worries down, because I can’t store all this up in my head for much longer.
Although you seem to be feeling a bit happier, you are continuing to get thinner and thinner. Everyone can see that you have an eating disorder and that you need help to get better – except you can’t see it. It is not your fault and you probably can’t help it – that is what this illness is like. If you can’t see how frighteningly thin you have become, then think about how you feel. Cold? Tired? Aching body? Low energy? etc. Is this how you want to spend the rest of your life? You don’t have to. This flu and its complications are not surprising. Your defences will not be able to fight off germs as your immune system has been compromised. You used to read a lot of stuff about illnesses that you thought you might have. Well, now that you have this, I wonder if you have looked up any information about it. There are some useful websites, e.g.
- b-eat.co.uk
- ABC anorexiabulimiacare.org.uk
- Supportline.org.uk/problems/anorexia.php
Effects of a starvation diet:
I think you already know some of the long-term effects, e.g.
- Body metabolizes/eats its own muscle to stay alive (this is happening to you now).
- Can lead to heart disease or even heart attack.
- Osteoporosis/bone-wasting disease – all the minerals are leached out of your bones, causing them to become brittle and fragile and break easily. Also, you shrink and I can see that your posture has changed; you have become hunched. If this is left to continue, your body will sadly become more like that of a frail 90-year-old woman than a 20-year-old.
- Loss of periods/fertility – if not corrected early enough, you may never know the joy of creating a family with someone you love. This would be so sad.
- Dry skin, pale yellowy complexion, dry brittle hair which then starts to fall out, fine downy hair growing on the face and body … the list goes on …
If left untreated you will get worse and worse until you are hospitalised. I don’t want that