The Baby They Longed For. Marion Lennox

to herself, too, but where Gavin’s lesser-known compartment had turned out to be spectacular, Addie’s seemed anything but. The grapevine said that she worked and she looked after her mother. At the hospital she and Noah had occasionally operated or consulted together, but he’d thought her quiet, almost mousy. Technically skilled. Conscientious. Nothing special.

      He’d operated on colleagues before, men and women he’d known far better than this. So now...why was it so hard to block out the thought of Addie’s distress, the sight of her face, bleached by fear and shock?

      He had to block it out. Her life depended on it.

      The first part of the surgery was straightforward. An incision, finding the source of the bleeding, removing the unviable pregnancy. There was inflammation around it, and bleeding from the rupture.

      ‘Possible to do a salpingotomy?’ Cliff queried as Noah cleared and tried to see what he was left with.

      Salpingotomy was the removal of the damaged embryo and then microscopic repair and preservation of the fallopian tube. He looked at the damage under his hands and shook his head. Such microscopic surgery took real obstetric skill, skills he wasn’t sure he possessed. There wasn’t time to transfer her to Sydney for a specialist obstetric surgeon to take over, but even if there had been...

      ‘Not possible,’ he growled. ‘There’s too much damage to preserve it.’ It had to be a salpingectomy, the complete removal of the tube. ‘Future fertility rates aren’t so different,’ he muttered, talking to himself rather than to Cliff.

      Cliff gave him a searching look and then nodded and went back to his monitors.

      There was the sound of a sob from somewhere behind him—from one of the nurses.

      So Addie was loved? She’d been working in this hospital for three years. A small hospital where people had come to know her.

      He worked on, but as he did he was increasingly aware of the tension around him.

      ‘We didn’t even know she was pregnant,’ the theatre nurse, Heidi, a woman in her fifties, muttered as he completed the removal of the damaged tube. ‘There’s never been a hint of a guy. She’s been going back and forth to Sydney but only ever overnight. She never takes holidays. We thought...’ She swallowed, biting back what she thought. ‘The other tube?’

      ‘Looks good,’ he muttered, and felt a ripple of relief through the theatre.

      ‘It’s still awful.’ Heidi was still looking distressed. ‘Chances of successful pregnancy after...’

      ‘It’s better than death,’ Cliff said roughly. ‘The chances aren’t zero. Leave it, Heidi. We all need to be positive, for Addie’s sake.’

      Noah was closing, carefully ensuring everything that could be done was done. If he’d been able to preserve the tube Addie would be facing constant monitoring over the next few weeks, to ensure there was no further growth in the tube, but at least now it was straightforward.

      She’d recover. She’d get on with life.

      Just as she had after the wedding, he thought. Just as she had after being humiliated to the socks, standing jilted at a church with everyone she loved around her.

      Everyone she loved?

      Who loved Addie?

      It was none of his business, he told himself. Addie was now a recovering patient. His patient. He needed to invoke professional detachment.

      Like that was going to happen.

      Cliff was reversing the anaesthetic. Heidi was leaning over Addie, ready to reassure her the minute she came around. A couple of other nurses stood in the background, looking distressed and concerned.

      These were her people now. They were...all she had?

      Regardless, they were here for her. He, on the other hand, was part of a nightmare from a distant past, and now he’d be part of today’s nightmare.

      He stepped away from the table, feeling almost light-headed. There was nothing else he could do.

      ‘I’ll leave her to you,’ he told the staff. ‘I... Look after her. Constant obs. Don’t leave her for a moment. I’ll check back in an hour or so but I’m on the end of the phone if I’m needed before then.’

      ‘Yeah, you need to unpack and settle,’ Cliff said, roughly though, and Noah knew how deeply all those around the table were affected. ‘Thanks, mate. You don’t know how grateful we are that you were here for us.’

      Us?

      He looked down again at Addie and thought, This is your family. The hospital staff.

      It was all she had?

      Why did that feel so bad?

      ‘Do you have everything you need?’ Heidi asked, and he pulled himself together.

      ‘Yes. Thank you. I won’t be far away. Keep continual obs on her until I say not.’ He’d already said it but it seemed important to say it again. She couldn’t be left alone.

      ‘Of course we will,’ Heidi told him, and turned back to Addie. Noah was free to go.

      After cleaning up post-op, he walked out onto the veranda and then further, out to the cliffs overlooking the beach.

      Addie had lost her baby.

       A baby...

       Sophie...

      For a moment he felt so dizzy he thought he’d be ill.

      How could he ever have thought he could get away from this grief through work? He should have taken a job as a street cleaner for six months. Anything.

      To lose a child...

      ‘Get a grip,’ he told himself, fiercely, as if it was important to make himself hear. ‘You can’t stop being a doctor because you’ve lost...’

      ‘I haven’t lost. Not yet.’

      It felt like he had. Where was Sophie now? If he didn’t win...

      ‘Move on,’ he told himself harshly. ‘One step in front of the other, for as long as it takes.’

      * * *

      The grief was with her almost before she woke, almost before she remembered why she was grieving. It washed across her like a great black wave, swallowing all.

      ‘Hey.’ Heidi was holding her hand. ‘Hey, Addie. You’re okay.’

      ‘My baby... I’ve lost...’

      ‘Oh, Addie, we’re so sorry. Yes, you’ve lost the baby but our new surgeon was wonderful. He’s so skilled. He thinks...we all think that things will be fine.’

      Fine. She let the word roll around her head as reality seeped back.

      Noah was here, and he thought things were fine.

      She should have hit him harder.

      * * *

      He unpacked, headed back out to the veranda and thought about a walk, but first he needed to check on Addie again. She should be on the other side of the anaesthetic, and the reality of what had happened would be sinking in.

      There’d been no call from the nurses so things must be okay physically. But not only had she lost her baby, she’d know the chances of future pregnancies were now reduced. Future pregnancies weren’t impossible but it’d be a concern adding to the grief of her loss.

      The nurses would look after her. They knew her and cared for her. As for him... He’d been there when she’d been jilted. He’d been there when she’d lost her baby. He was someone she could well never wish to see again, he conceded, but she might have questions. He owed it to her to answer them if she did.

      To lose a child... If someone could answer his questions...

      Don’t