The Complete Ruby Redfort Collection. Lauren Child

yeah, what museum launch is that?’ said Ruby.

      ‘Ruby, surely you haven’t forgotten about the Jade Buddha of Khotan!’ exclaimed her mother.

      ‘Sabina honey, she’s pulling your leg,’ said Brant, raising his eyes heavenwards. ‘You have been talking about nothing but the museum launch for the last two months.’

      ‘Oh very cute!’ laughed Sabina as she pinched Ruby on the cheek.

      Ruby’s parents were both wildly excited about the Jade Buddha coming to Twinford. Stolen from the ancient kingdom of Khotan during the 8th century and missing for over a thousand years the Buddha had recently been rediscovered encased in a block of ice somewhere north of Alaska. The archaeologist who dug the artefact out of the glacier was the senior curator of the Twinford City Museum, Dr Enrico Gonzales. In recognition of this monumental and heroic discovery, the people of Khotan had agreed to have the Buddha displayed at the museum for a limited period before it made its long journey home. Brant and Sabina were, of course, on the museum party committee.

      ‘You guys sure do travel light,’ said Ruby looking around for their suitcases.

      ‘Oh yes,’ said her mother. ‘The airline managed to lose every piece of our luggage – can you believe it!’

      ‘So I guess you lost all your vacation pictures too?’ said Ruby hopefully. Ruby had endured many tedious hours of her parents’ vacation snapshots and would go to any reasonable lengths to avoid the misery of a family slide show.

      ‘No,’ said her father, ‘luckily I kept all the film in my carry-on luggage – I can’t wait to get them developed, you’ll see I got some beautiful shots.’ Ruby considered this unlikely; Brant was a horrible photographer.

      After quite a lot of welcoming from a very excited Mrs Digby – ‘Good to have you back at last, you’ve been away too long!’ and a good deal more fussing, ‘You’ve lost weight Mrs R, you need feeding up,’ – supper was ready and the family sat down to eat. Mrs Digby had gone to a lot of trouble with the table and there was a huge floral display which was very difficult to see over or indeed round.

      During dinner, Ruby’s parents burbled on about the wonderful hotel and the delicious schnitzel and the beautiful Alps. And the conversation went something like this:

      SABINA: ‘Quite the tastiest schnitzel I have ever tasted.’

      BRANT: ‘And what about those Alps! Talk about high.’

      Until Ruby wished they would start talking about the Jade Buddha again. But then, of course, they did.

      SABINA: ‘Speaking of Switzerland, Marjorie mentioned that the Buddha’s glass display case has all been expertly designed by a Swiss expert – no one’s met him, no one – he’s an utter recluse.’

      BRANT: ‘Oh yes, that’s right, a fellow named… what’s his name honey?’

      RUBY: ‘Klaus Gustav.’

      Ruby hadn’t exactly been listening, but she had been party to so many of these discussions that her brain had absorbed all the interesting and less than interesting details.

      SABINA: ‘That’s right Ruby! Well, according to Marjorie the glass display case will be the shape of a cylinder and is going to rise up through the museum floor at the stroke of midnight!’

      BRANT: ‘How does he do it, do you think?’

      SABINA: ‘Beats me! Must be some kind of magician – no one even knows how you get that glass cylinder open – it’s top secret.’

      BRANT: ‘Well if their glass is as excellent as their schnitzel we are going to be in for a treat!’

      …and they were back to talking about schnitzel again.

      Ruby wished hard for some kind of distraction before her brain froze over – and her wish was granted by a loud thud and a high pitched shriek.

      ‘Whatever in the world was that?’ exclaimed Mrs Redfort.

      ‘Sounded like dessert,’ said Ruby.

      ‘What?’ said her mother.

      ‘I must say having Consuela around is great if you are looking to lose weight but I am afraid our friend Bug has been pounding it on.’

      ‘Bug’s been putting on weight? What do you mean? Why would Bug put on weight?’ asked Mrs Redfort.

      ‘On account of all the low flying food in there,’ replied Ruby. ‘Mrs Digby and Consuela throw ingredients at each other nearly every night. Most of it ends up on the floor and Bug is only too happy to clean up, if you know what I mean.’

      ‘What!’ said Brant who was very much against pets eating their owner’s food.

      There was a crashing sound followed by a yelp.

      ‘Yeah, I’ve pretty much got used to it but you may get complaints from the neighbours any day soon.’

      ‘Oh we don’t want that,’ said Brant, looking over towards where Mr Parker lived. Mr Parker was a very difficult man.

      ‘Get used to what?’ said Sabina

      ‘Kitchen friction,’ replied Ruby. ‘Mrs Digby can’t stand Consuela and Consuela can’t stand Mrs Digby – it’s been like this ever since you guys went away.’

      ‘Really?’ said Sabina

      ‘Oh yeah,’ said Ruby raising her voice a little, to make herself heard over what sounded like the smashing of a cut-glass tulip vase. ‘It’s been terrible – I must say this fish is very good though.’

      Sabina slammed down her napkin, stood up and strode over to the kitchen door.

      ‘I wouldn’t do that if I were you, Mom,’ warned Ruby through a mouthful of mackerel. But Sabina was not to be deterred. She opened the door just as Mrs Digby took aim with a pitcher of tomato juice. Consuela ducked and Sabina found herself covered in red gloop.

      ‘Mrs Digby! What has gotten into you!’

      Mrs Digby quickly reached for a large dishcloth, put it down and picked up a towel.

      ‘That’s the second time today that someone has thrown a drink over my Oscar Birdet suit!’ exclaimed Sabina.

      ‘Really? Who was the first?’ inquired Ruby, who was by now standing in the doorway, and chewing on a carrot.

      ‘Some frantic little man at the airport – spills my martini all down my front and now this! Boy, this tomato is never going to come out.’

      ‘Let me clean it up, Mrs R,’ said Mrs Digby, who was looking rather pale in the face.

      ‘I’ll thank you not to touch it Mrs Digby, it’s dry-clean only!’ replied Sabina, these last words coming out rather more sharply and with more volume than she had intended.

      ‘Is never gonna be clean again Mrs Redfort, no way José,’ said Consuela giving Mrs Digby a smug look. Sabina was about to try and calm things down when Mrs Digby got in first.

      ‘Well, I can see whose side you are taking in all this, and me a person you’ve known your whole entire life. I see thirty-six years of service and loyalty count for very little round these parts. Maybe I’ll just go and pack the few sorry possessions I own and get out of here for good! No doubt cousin Emily will take me in.’

      ‘Oh Mrs Digby! Please don’t… ’ pleaded Sabina, but it was no use. Mrs Digby was already making her way downstairs to her housekeepers apartment – there would be no pancakes for breakfast, that was for sure.

      Ruby was relieved when the telephone rang.

      ‘Redfort high drama society.