Toilet Training. Vicki Lansky

nursery schools won’t take children in diapers, or they may charge more for the inconvenience. All in all, life is a lot more pleasant and less complicated when diapers become a thing of the past. The attitude of most parents is “the sooner the better.”

       Disadvantages of Trying to Toilet Train Too Early

      However nice it is to finally have a toilet-trained child, the process shouldn’t (and usually can’t) be rushed. Consider these disadvantages which are a high price to pay for a lowered cost of diapers:

      • Trying to toilet train a child who isn’t ready can prove to be futile, a waste of time and lots of unresolved anger.

      • A child who is forced to try to comply may experience an extreme sense of failure. And so may the parents!

      • Premature toilet training may create a war of wills in which no one wins. A child may actually hold back bowel movements, creating serious constipation problems in an attempt to control the parent.

      • The stresses of futile attempts at training may cause a parent to use inappropriate regimentation or force. Studies show that one of the principal causes of child abuse is parental frustration over a child’s unsuccessful toilet training.

      • A child’s anxiety about toilet training may lead to bed-wetting into adulthood. (A study of 18-year-old British army inductees provided a classic example of this. Fifteen percent were still bed-wetters after having been toilet trained before the age of one.)

      We know that early rigid and coercive tactics are not worth the success they might achieve. In fact, rigid and coercive tactics used later in the training process can ALSO create more problems than they solve!

      While most professionals today advocate later-is-just-fine, some believe you should begin training before your child’s first birthday. One such book promoting early training is Infant Potty Training by Laurie Boucke (White-Boucke Publishing, 2008).

      I have been at odds with my four-year-old for more than two years. We seem to backslide a lot (sort of like two steps forward, one step back). I think I put too much pressure on him in the beginning. We are trying to be more laid back with our younger child.

       Becky Wilkins, Lubbock, TX

      As one who did not get trained until age four and a half myself, I would not suggest the issue first. Once either of ours decided he or she wanted to use the potty and wear panties, that was the key.

       Jodi Junge, Huntingdon Valley, PA

What Are the Basics?

      You’ll probably think about toilet training long before you get into it. One thing you’ll want to do is settle any major differences of opinion between you and your spouse (or anyone else who will be involved) about methods and ways of handling things. Some compromise may be called for. Basic consistency is very important. There should be total agreement that there’s no place for punishment in any phase of toilet training.

       General Signs of Readiness

      From the time your child is about two (though it may be nearer three for some), you should watch for signs of readiness for training. If certain signs are clearly present, and the child is basically past the negative “no-to-every-request” stage, he or she is probably ready.

      You’ll know your child is ready when he or she:

      • Is aware of the “need to go,” and shows it by facial expression or by telling you.

      • Can express and understand one-word statements, including such words as “wet,” “dry,” “potty,” and “go.”

      • Demonstrates imitative behavior.

      • Can sit quietly for 4 minutes or more.

      • Dislikes wet or soiled diapers. (Don’t confuse this with your level of discomfort or inconvenience.)

      • Is anxious to please you.

      • Is able to stay dry for at least two hours or wakes up dry after a nap.

      • Is able to pull elastic waist pants up and down.

      • Has a sense of social “appropriateness” (wet pants can be an embarrassment).

      • Tells you he or she is “about” to go. (Praise such statements to set the stage for a child who wishes to please you by learning to use the toilet or potty.)

      • Asks to use the potty chair or adult toilet!

       Some Preparatory Steps

      There is much to be said for setting the stage well before you begin toilet training. Few children train themselves. They need to know what’s expected of them. They need and deserve your help and guidance. A child who has become familiar with bathroom procedures and equipment is more likely to become trained quickly and easily than one who has not.

      • Take your child into the bathroom with you. It’s especially helpful if fathers and brothers set the example for boys, and mothers and sisters set the example for girls. Siblings are often pleased to act as role models. If your privacy is important to you, don’t forget that there are neighborhood children who would probably be delighted to demonstrate. Day-care today often lets children “learn” from their peers and often speeds up their learning curve.

      • Try to help your child recognize the sensations of “being wet,” “wetting now,” and “about to be wet.” Encourage your child to talk about these sensations—especially “about to be . . .” sensations—without pressuring your child to be toilet trained. Comment on signs you notice, such as the child’s pausing in play or walking if he or she is uncomfortable after elimination. Use statements such as, “You are having a BM,” rather than asking the general question, “What are you doing?” Asking your child to let you know when the diaper is wet or messy is another way of increasing awareness.

       Check Fluid Intake

      If your child shows all the signs of readiness except the ability to stay dry for at least two hours, check fluid intake. Any child who is drinking milk, water, or fruit juices continuously cannot stay dry for long. Also, check with your doctor about the possibility of a milk allergy or lactose intolerance (the inability to digest milk properly) which can result in cramps, loose stools and the inability to hold a bowel movement for more than a moment.

      • Let your child go nude in appropriate settings to help the child “see” what he or she is doing, and to help make the mental connection between the words and what they refer to.

      • Changing a diaper in the bathroom will also associate the process with the place. Children over age two should be off the changing table for this reason.

      • Although much ado has been made about using the proper terminology for body parts and functions, you should use the words that come most easily to you and your child. “Peeing,” for example, may be more effective than the term “urinating” if the latter is a forced term. DO use specific terms, though; “going to the bathroom” is too vague. Try not to use words that will make your child think of his or her bodily functions as being dirty or disgusting (for example, “dirty,” “stinky,” “yucky,” etc.).

      • Help your child learn the meaning of the terms “before” and “after” by using them yourself in other contexts such as, “We’ll wash the dishes after dinner.”

      • Talk about the advantages of being trained: no more diaper rash, no more interruptions for diaper changing, and the pleasure of being clean and