Flash Count Diary. Darcey Steinke

ection>

      

      Darcey Steinke is the author of five novels including Sister Golden Hair, Jesus Saves, Up Through the Water, Milk, and Suicide Blonde, and a memoir Easter Everywhere. Her books have been translated into ten languages. @DarceySteinke | darceysteinke.com

       Also by Darcey Steinke

      FICTION

       Sister Golden Hair

       Milk

       Jesus Saves

       Suicide Blonde

       Up Through the Water

      NONFICTION

       Easter Everywhere

      The paperback edition published in Great Britain in 2020 by Canongate Books

      First published in Great Britain in 2019 by Canongate Books Ltd,

       14 High Street, Edinburgh EH1 1TE

      This digital edition first published in 2019 by Canongate Books

      canongate.co.uk

      Copyright © Darcey Steinke, 2019

      The right of Darcey Steinke to be identified as the

      author of this work has been asserted by her in accordance

      with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988

      First published in the United States by Farrar, Straus and Giroux,

       175 Varick Street, New York 10014, USA

      Every effort has been made to trace copyright holders and obtain their permission for the use of copyright material. The publisher apologises for any errors or omissions and would be grateful if notified of any corrections that should be incorporated in future reprints or editions of this book.

      British Library Cataloguing-in-Publication Data A catalogue record for this book is available on request from the British Library

      ISBN 978 1 78689 812 8

      eISBN 978 1 78689 813 5

      Designed by Abby Kagan

       To Judy Hottensen

      Our bodies too are always and endlessly changing; what we have been today, we shall not be tomorrow.

      —OVID

      The body is not a thing but a situation.

      —SIMONE DE BEAUVOIR

      If I had to choose between the two phases of life, I am truly not sure on which my choice would fall. For when one leaves erotic experience in the narrower sense, one is at the same time leaving a cul-de-sac, however marvelous it may be, where there is only room for two abreast, and one now continues, upon a vast expanse—the expanse of which childhood too was a part and which for only a while we were bound to forget.

      —LOU ANDREAS-SALOMÉ

      Something tender, secret, and painful draws out the intimacy which keeps vigil in us, extending its glimmer into that animal darkness.

      —GEORGES BATAILLE

      Then animals long believed gone crept down From trees. We took stock of one another.

      —TRACY K. SMITH

      1 Night on Fire

      2:11 a.m.: I wake, heart thwacking, as heat flows up from my stomach, courses behind my face, and radiates out through the top of my head. I watch a lamp with a pink shade drift out of my neighbor’s window and hover over my darkened backyard.

      An hour later I wake again, this time within the aura before the flash. No matter my mood, each aura brings a surreal déjà vu feeling, the “thorn in the flesh” that Saint Paul talked about: everything is stilled, everything is wrong. It’s as if a shard of a different and darker reality has been thrust into my current one.

      Auras are less universal than heat, though many in the diverse group of women I interviewed reported having them. “About a minute before the flash comes I get the worst feeling,” one woman told me. Another described the eerie quiet just before the feeling of thick unease: “I get very calm, then a sensation comes that scares the heck out of me.” Another experiences a free fall: “I feel like I’m going down in an elevator, my stomach drops, flash of nausea, a weird weak feeling, then the heat.”

      I throw off my covers and feel, in the first pocket of spooky quiet, that flames are burning from my inner organs up into my muscles toward the skin. I’d run away, but how does one flee one’s own body? Each hair is a thin electric coil heating up my head.

      I know what’s going to happen and I know that it’s going to be bizarre. I leap up and go into the kitchen, run myself a glass of cold water, gulp it down. I jerk a bag of corn out of the freezer and press it against my chest and stare out the window. The leaves in the yard blow one way and then the other. I go back to bed, but the heat coming off my husband’s body is dangerous. I go into my daughter’s empty room and lie in her bed surrounded by posters for DIY bands and photos of her high school girlfriends. Her thick comforter triggers another flash. First comes the stillness, the “sinister feeling” one woman described. I feel outside continuous conventional reality, trapped inside the flesh-and-blood corporeality of my body. Saint Paul, who may have had epilepsy, called his auras “an intimation of heaven.” Not the cliché fluffy-cloud angelic sphere but a feeling of the next life in all its raw, brutal grandeur. I yank up the window. Heat sweeps through me like a tiny weather front. I know my parcel of the earth is spinning closer to the sun and the air is heating up. Even a few degrees’ rise, when my windows are open, can trigger a flash.

      Much like my sense of smell was magnified when I was pregnant, my body is now sensitive to the smallest calibrations of heat. When food is placed in front of me at a restaurant, most recently a plate of scrambled eggs, first my belly and then my face burn. Entering a room, I won’t at first know it’s sealed, but as I talk to a student in my office or teach in my classroom, the sense of entrapment grows. I’ll glance at the window, the door, panicking as one after another, body, room, building, is locked down tight. As the fire bowls along my nerves, I long to escape my body, to shoot up through my own skin, the ceiling, and bust into the atmosphere itself.

      When I wake next, there is smoky light at the window and the heat in my limbs is already subsiding. I shift. My husband asks what’s wrong. It’s happening again, I say, jolting up, running the tap in the kitchen, drinking down the cold water. I go back to the couch, and though the windows are open, they face a brick wall. I feel trapped in the narrow room, squeezed.

      My Flash Count Diary, a mottled black-and-white composition book, lies on the coffee table. Nine flashes today, not counting this current run. First, over coffee this morning, I felt my heart compress and then heat launch out horizontally into my arms and down into my hands. Later, while teaching, talking about how blankness as an interior state for a fictional character has to be created, just like anger or desire, I felt a sudden pang of misery followed by a smoldering sensation in my back. After class, out for a drink with a friend, listening to her talk about her husband’s hallucinations, I felt heat radiate from my stomach up into my chest, neck, rolling up like steam behind my face. Once home, I flashed while washing dishes and changing the kitty litter. And finally, just before bed, I had the sensation that my nightgown was affixed to my body with hot glue.

      Back in my bedroom, I am trying again to sleep. It’s