When We're Awake At Night. Levi Laws

       For Linda,

       I hope you're proud lovely.

      trigger warning

      As this is a discussion about mental health, some of these poems could be a bit unsettling or upsetting. It is not my intention to send anyone down a negative path, quite the opposite. A clear reading of the whole book will show that. Many people experience these situations, feelings, and life events that end up being suppressed. My goal is only to show my journey. These emotions are real, these emotions are valid.

      Preface

      Mental health is an increasingly talked about topic, and for good reason. Roughly 17.2 million adults in the United States have experienced some sort of major depressive disorder in 2019 alone. Considering the negative stigmas associated with discussing mental health, having depression, or anxiety, or any mental health disorder in general, it is safe to assume the amount of unreported cases would boost that number astronomically.

      Suicide was the 10th leading cause of death in 2019, and that number has grown every year. It is the second leading cause of deaths for ages 10-34, and the 4th leading cause of death for ages 35-54. My home state of Oregon, is in the top third of suicide rates in the United states. Men have died 3.6x more to suicide than women, and a lot of that can be due to toxic masculinity seeping into the consciousness of men and therefore being seen as “weak” for getting help. However, women experience depression at roughly twice the amount as men between the ages of 14-18. This is a disorder that does not care about your sex.

      Additionally. a disorder sort of synonymous with depressive disorder is clinical anxiety. Anxiety disorders are the most common mental illnesses, affecting over 40 million Americans each year. 9.9 million adults have reported having a panic attack in the last year.

      These are issues that allow for many people to be wrongfully looked down upon for being weak and broken. Many are looked down upon for attempting to get better, whether that be by medication, or therapy. People often struggle to overcome these stigmas, and the recovery process becomes stifled because of it. Tearing each other down in our weakest moments does no one any good. Learning how to love, support, and be there for someone affected by one of these dreadful disorders rather than patronizing or even worse, feeling disdain for them is what we need to move towards. Education is the best power, and the more we educate ourselves on these topics, the better we can support the ones closest to us who struggle with these disorders. We are all someones brother, sister, daughter, son, grandson, etc. It is time to destigmatize the discussion around mental health.

      This book is a many things, but it is mainly a long story of a journey through mental health. Breakdown, recovery, relapse, and everything that goes into the mental health journey from my perspective. All of the untold moments we spend awake at night fighting to stay. All of the moments spent reflecting in pain about times our disorders have held us back. All of the moments of feeling like we did not belong. All of the moments of weakness. All of the moments of strength. I did my best to illustrate just what it feels like to experience these moments.

      To those still stigmatizing mental health, I hope this opens your eyes a touch. I hope whoever reads this takes even the slightest bit of comfort in knowing they aren't alone, and there is light at the end of the tunnel, and if anyone hasn't told you today:

      I love you, and you're worth the fight.

      Thank you for listening,

      -Levi

      What…?

      What is the point without passion?

      Days become restless, nights become endless.

      What is the point without love?

      The void grows, never was it protected.

      What is the point without friendship?

      Together alone, stuck in our jail cell.

      What is the point without trust?

      Suspicion weighing down like a barbell.

      What is the point of giving up,

      if you still have the passion?

      Why??

      Why am I here?

      Why can't I think?

      Why can't I write?

      Why can't I blink?

      Why am I paralyzed?

      Can't breath or speak

      Why am I like this?

      Is something wrong with me?

      Why am I weak, broken, and bruised?

      Why do I feel taken and used?

      I was fine minutes ago,

      and now I can't move.

      Why won't this end?

      It's lasting eternally.

      Am I the cause of all of my suffering?

      Why am I here?

      Where did I go?

      Its over now,

      and I'm still alone.

      Comparison

      Was I wrong?

      I sit here pondering fatal feelings.

      Am I weak?

      The feeling is never ending.

      Collapsing into myself until sweet solace of slumber separates me.

      Was she right?

      She must have chose him for some reason.

      The biggest fear creeps into the crevices of my consciousness.

      Why am I not enough?

      Insomnia

      The night draws close, calling out to me with its luminous soul.

      What should be the end is now the beginning.

      Fleeting memories try and destroy the calm.

      Black is the ink.

      Black is the pen.

      Black is the desk.

      As is the mind.

      As is the heart.

      As is the soul.

      When the light breaks, the heart follows.

      The calm is no more.

      Powerless

      An empty shell of what I built.

      No vehemence.

      No desire.

      No ambition.

      No fire.

      How did you manage it like it was nothing?

      Seemingly endless satisfaction turned into seemingly endless suffering.

      A Trip to Another Dimension

      I bought the biggest mirror I could find.

      I set it against my wall, stood back and stared.

      Disheveled I looked as my mind began its usual incineration of my body, until my glance changed to my eyes.

      Staring for so long real life began to fade.

      I felt a cold wood under my feet.

      A brisk morning breeze

      sent a comforting chill down my spine.

      This