Feeding with Love and Good Sense: The First Two Years. Ellyn Satter

You are responsible for safe opportunities.

       Your baby is responsible for moving.

       Provide your baby with a variety of positions, clothing, sights, and sounds. Then remain present and let your baby move.

       For toddlers:

       You are responsible for structure, safety, and opportunities.

       Your child is responsible for how, how much, and whether she moves.

       Your jobs:

       Develop your tolerance for commotion—and your judgment about how much is too much.

       Provide safe places for activity your child enjoys.

       Find fun and rewarding family activities.

       Set limits on TV but not on reading, writing, artwork, or other quiet activities.

       Don’t let your child have a TV in her room.

       Don’t try to entertain your child—let her deal with her own boredom.

      Feeding stories: the first 2 years

      Parents who follow the division of responsibility swear by it. Those who are new to it wonder whether it can possibly be right. Here is what parents say about the division of responsibility in feeding.

       The division of responsibility pays off

      We have been following the division of responsibility since both our children were born. Recently, we have been eating out more because we have been traveling. Because Henry, age 3, and Clara, age 1, sit with us at dinner each night and eat what we eat, they have been so good in restaurants. For my birthday we went to a nice restaurant, and they did so well it was actually fun. I was so proud of them, and the waiters were impressed!

       Trust your child to grow

      Josh was born 2 months prematurely. After we got him home, we followed his lead with his sleeping and eating. It was hard and scary, but during his first 2 months his weight gradually went up toward the third percentile. We felt like such failures when his doctor said he should grow faster! We tried to feed Josh more and more often. We even tried to wake him up to eat, which was almost impossible. After a miserable 4 months, Josh’s weight was worse! So, we went back to trusting him, and he went back to gaining weight. Our doctor had kept Josh alive, so we felt bad ignoring her orders. Believing in Josh must have been hard and scary for her, as well.

       Some children are big, and that is okay

      When my daughter weighed almost 10 pounds at birth, I thought she would be fat when she grew up. I tried not to let her eat too much, even though she was fussy and hard to settle down. She stayed just as big, and by the time she became a toddler, she begged for food all day long. Then I learned about the division of responsibility and that not letting her eat as much as she wanted made her afraid of going hungry. At first it was scary to let her eat so much, but then her eating settled down. Now she is slimming down. That is fine, but the bottom line is that I like her body just the way it is, and I trust her to grow her way.

       Children with special needs can be trusted

      Bobby’s newborn blood tests showed he had cystic fibrosis (CF). After he started taking digestive enzymes, his growth climbed to about the thirtieth weight percentile and stayed there. But the CF clinic stressed getting him to the fiftieth percentile, so I tried to feed him more. The more I pressured, the less he ate until he refused his bottle altogether and his weight plummeted. When I heard about the division of responsibility, I thought, “What kind of crazy person would come up with that? Bobby must eat!” But it had helped other parents and children, so I gathered my courage and did it. Within 3 days he began eating again, feeding went back to being a joy, and his growth went back up to the thirtieth percentile. I think the worst was losing my trust in Bobby to do his part with eating. Although Bobby has a “serious” form of CF, he is amazingly healthy.

      

3. Understand your child’s development and temperament

      During the first 2 years, you and your child go through 3 stages in development. Knowing these stages helps you to understand and trust your child and parent in the best way.

       Homeostasis: As a newborn, he learns to be calm and alert. You learn to respect his capabilities, to set aside your agenda, and to follow his lead with feeding.

       Attachment: After the first few months, he learns to love and to bond with you. You feel your love for him and show it by paying attention to him and doing what he wants.

       Separation-individuation: Toward the middle of the first year and into the second and third years, he learns that he is his own little person, separate from you. You provide structure and limits and then let him do it himself.

       Newborn: the first 8–12 weeks

      Your baby does best with being calm and alert when you do what he needs you to do. He comes out of a quiet, dark place into a world full of sights and sounds. To eat well, he needs your help to not be upset by all of the commotion. He shows signs that tell you when he needs to wake up, to sleep, to eat, and to stop eating. Watch for those signs, and do what he needs. You will not spoil him. You cannot spoil a tiny baby.