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Table of Contents
Chapter 1 - Are You Involved With a Narcissist?
Chapter 4 - The Truth Can Set You Free
Chapter 5 - Trolling for Supply…
Chapter 6 - Letter to a Narcissist
Chapter 8 - Female Narcissists…
Chapter 10 - The Power of Choice
Chapter 11 - The Reflection is Not Real
Chapter 12 - Clarity…Understanding… Vision
Chapter 13 - Handling Narcissistic Parents
Chapter 14 - Taking Back Control
Chapter 15 - Gaining Perspective
Chapter 16 - Troubled N Relationships
Chapter 17 - N’s and the Internet
Acknowledgements
We would like to thank God for the opportunity to share our thoughts and sincere hopes with people who are going through difficulties in their relationships. Thanks to our families for their patience and understanding as we inundated them with information about NPD and spent time away from them as we worked on this project. We would also like to acknowledge Sam Vaknin as a major influence. His book, Malignant Self Love: Narcissism Revisited, offers profound insight from the perspective of a narcissist. Last but not least, our sincere thanks to the folks at “It’s a Grind” coffee shop in Canton, Georgia for providing the necessary fuel and residence as we worked on final touches of this book.
Introduction
The beginning of a toxic relationship can sometimes appear so alluring and promising. The destructive features of the relationship are at first elusive, and seem indefinable. Many people blame themselves in an attempt to resolve the conflict, or may question the reality of their perceptions. In many cases, by the time the “poison” of the relationship is finally detected, emotional damage has already been done, and all that remains is the pain, self-doubt and confusion.
It can be hard work to recover from such a relationship without feeling permanently injured and disconnected from one’s true “self.” An even greater challenge is to emerge from such a painful experience with increased clarity, personal power and hope. To achieve this level of healing and to move past mere “survival first” requires, very simply, a clear picture of what happened, and the major underlying causes.
Many victims of injurious and emotionally abusive relationships were unwittingly victimized by someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, an often misunderstood psychiatric condition that is characterized by, among other things, deceit, manipulation and complete and utter self absorption. If you feel you may have been involved with someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder and you are struggling to find an explanation for what happened to you, know that this very motivation can be the source of your healing. For if you search and discover the true nature of a Narcissistic “relationship” the understanding and clarity you can achieve will be truly liberating.
Many readers would benefit from going through therapy as they seek to recover and redefine their lives. This can be a very difficult process to face alone, and an objective therapist can help sort out and identify forces such as family dynamics, childhood experiences, and intimacy issues that influence one’s perceptions, feelings and choices. Further, many victims of Narcissists have endured emotional and/or physical abuse, making the impact of the relationship even more damaging, and the need for therapy more certain. This book is not meant to be a substitute for therapy, and the authors are not mental health professionals.
Since this book was written for victims of Narcissists, an “academic” writing style is avoided. The goal is to lead the reader on a personal journey that is more than a summary of psychological theory, for true healing of any type requires more of the reader than “intellectualizing” the experience. A personal tone is emphasized not only to enhance the book’s readability, but to create a “writer/reader connection” that is based on a sincere hope for personal growth and healing.
Many who have been hurt in a relationship that turned toxic without warning may have heard the terms “Narcissist,” or “Narcissistic,” but may not know that they were in a relationship with a Narcissist. Confusing the issue, the terms “Narcissist,” “Narcissistic” and “Narcissism” have been used to describe a wide variety of personality characteristics ranging from the phrase, “a healthy Narcissism” to full-blown “Narcissistic Personality Disorder.” In fact, it has been suggested by Alice Miller in The Drama of the Gifted Child that the term Narcissism has been so commonly used to describe such diverse meanings, “that it is difficult today to rescue it for scientific use.” Nevertheless, this book attempts