R. A. Lafferty Super Pack. R. A. Lafferty

1

      It isn’t that professors are absent-minded. That is a canard, a joke thought up by somebody who should have been better employed. The fact is that sometimes professors have great presence of mind; they have to have. The fact is that professors are (or should be) very busy and thoughtful men, and that they are forced in the interests of time and efficiency to relegate the unessentials to the background.

      Professor—what was that blamed name again?—well anyway, he had done so, he had swept all the unessentials quite out of the way. He carried a small black book prepared by his wife (it must have been his wife) in which all the unessential details of his regime were written down for his guidance and to save him time. On the cover were the words “Try to Remember,” and inside was information copious and handy.

      He picked it up now, from the table in front of him, and opened it.

      “You are professor J. F. E. Diller,” he read. “The J is for John. There is no use in burdening your mind with the meaning of the other two initials. You are known to your students as Killer Diller for no good reason beyond euphony, and you are called by me “Moxie” for my own reasons.

      “You teach Middle Mayan Archeology. Please don’t try to teach anything else. You don’t know anything else. Your schedule is as follows:— But before you examine it, always look at your watch. It shows both the day of the week and the time of the day. It is on your left wrist. The best way I can tell you which is your left wrist is to say that it is the one that your watch is on.”

      And there followed the schedule with times and classes and building and room number, and indications as to whether the class was elementary or middle or advanced, and which text was used, Boch, or Mendoza y Carriba, or Strohspalter. And below the class schedule were other varied notes.

      “You like every kind of meat except liver. Don’t order it. You think you like it but you don’t. You are always fearfully disappointed when you try to eat it. Eat anything else; you fortunately do not have to watch your calories. You drink Cuba Libres. Never take more than four drinks at one session, they make you so nutty. There is a little drink-counter in your left-hand pants pocket that I made for you. Flip it every time that you have a drink. When you have had four, it will not flip again; so come on home. The best way I can tell you which is your left-hand pants pocket is that it is the one your drink-counter is in.”

      There was much more. The professor looked at his watch, looked at his schedule, saw that he still had a little time before his final class, glanced at the final entry in the book, “I love you, Emily,” smiled, closed the small notebook, and put it in his pocket.

      “Women have a satirical turn of mind,” he said to his companion.

      “What? Are you sure?” the companion asked. “Blenheim denies it, and the evidence in Creager is doubtful. And Pfirschbaum in his monumental monogram ‘Satire und Geschlecht’ has gone into the problem rather more thoroughly than most, and he is not of your opinion. And we have here on our own campus a fellow, Kearney, who is widely read in the field. If you have independent new evidence, you might go to him with it. He will appreciate it.”

      “No. I am sorry. I phrased myself badly. I should have said that my own wife, in a particular instance that has just come to my hand, shows flashes of satire. I realize the dangers of generalizing. As to making a statement about the mind of women generally, that is beyond my scope.”

      His next class by the schedule, and the final one of the day, was an elementary one in Middle Mayan Archeology, and the text, of course, was that of Boch. But the professor seldom stayed with the text long. He would ask the place of a student, read a paragraph or two out loud, and then begin to talk. Talking was one of the things he did best. He had humor and verve, and the students always liked him. And, if a man knows his subject (Did he know his subject? What an odd question! How could he be a professor if he didn’t know his subject?), if a man knows his subject thoroughly, then he can afford to handle it lightly, and to toy, to elucidate, to digress.

      So the hour went easily and pleasantly. Yet an odd thought began to crawl like a bug up his back, and it unsettled him. “I have been talking total nonsense,” said the thought. “Now why would I be talking nonsense when I am competent and know my subject?”

      And the thought slept, but did not die, when after class was over he went to the Scatterbrain Lounge to drink.

      “Cuba Libre,” he ordered confidently.

      “Are you sure?” asked the girl.

      It was only a split second to flip open the small pocket notebook. He had done it many times and was adept at it.

      “That is correct,” he said. “A Cuba Libre.”

      But a moment later there was another fly caught in the ointment where it beat futile wings and expired. In an indefinite manner things were not right.

      “I have lost my drink-counter,” said the professor, “and I never lose things, only misplace them. It is not in my left pocket, if that is the left one. And if the other one is the left pocket, why it is not in that one either? How will I know when I’ve had four drinks?”

      “That’s easy enough,” said the girl. “I’ll tell you.”

      “So are all unusual problems solved,” said the professor, “by unusual means and flashes of intuition.”

      After the girl had told him that the drink he had just finished was his fourth, the professor, feeling woozy, had her call a taxi for him; then, looking in his notebook for his home address, he gave it to the driver and rode off feeling rosy and fine.

      Then, after he had paid the driver, and with a quick glance at “I love you, Emily” on the last page of the notebook he went up to the house, went in, and kissed the beautiful Emily as hard as he knew how to. Then he put his hands on her shoulders and looked at her lovingly, and she at him.

      “This is quite the best thing that has happened to me in a wonderful day,” he said. “I had almost forgotten that you were so beautiful.”

      “It had nearly slipped my mind also,” said Emily. “And it is very sweet to be reminded of it.”

      She was beautiful. And she had a look at once very affectionate and very, very quizzical; a woman full of humor and satire indeed.

      “Pfirschbaum is wrong!” said the professor positively, “cataclysmically wrong. Could he but see that look on your face, so kind, so amused, so arch; he would realize just how wrong he is.”

      “I’m sure that he would. I would rather like to see the look on my face myself. It must be a study of mixed emotions. Oh, you’re doing it again, you little wolf! How sweet you are! I wonder who invented kissing in the first place?”

      “It is generally attributed to the Milesians, Emily, but there has lately appeared evidence that it may be even earlier. Emily, you are wonderful, wonderful.”

      “I know it. But keep telling me.”

       2

      Catherine came in then. She also had a quizzical look on her face, but there was something in it that was pretty dour too. And following her, and looking quite sheepish, was that little professor, what was his name? Oh yes, Diller.

      The professor gave Emily one more kiss, and then turned to greet them. And suddenly a strange disquietude caught him in a grip of ice. “If he is Professor Diller, then who in multicolor blazes am I?”

      Professors aren’t really absent-minded. It is just that they learn to relegate details to the background. But sometimes they don’t stay in the background, and now this detail was much to the fore. But the professor could think like a flash when necessary, and in no time at all he remembered not only who he was, but just what kind of trouble he was in.

      But it didn’t help matters when, as he was leaving with Catherine, Emily called after him “It was fun, Tommy. Let’s do it again sometime.”

      Nor was Catherine