Five-minute Mysteries 5. Ken Weber

his vantage point in women’s lingerie, Lumpy could eyeball about half the first floor of the big Sears store. Even in the dimmed down, after-hours lighting he could make out just about everything for he had good eyesight. Despite the semi-darkness he was able to read prices a couple aisles away. He could even read the sign over the bottom of the escalator he was watching so carefully: “Women and Men’s Clothing — Sporting Goods.” Stuff like that. Way across the store he could pick out a broken ‘E’ in an exit light. Lumpy was proud of his sharp eyes. A lot of other guys on the street had been blitzed for so long their vision was shot, but not him.

      He fingered the 50 bucks again. The security guard — the guy had to be showing up soon — what the suits had told him was that this guard always did his rounds at the same time, but Lumpy already knew that. He was a regular here at Sears. On really cold winter nights when he knew the temperature was going to drop out of sight, he would crawl into the building through an old drainage pipe and hide in a garbage bin in the sub-basement. Security only came to the sub-basement once a night. Up here on the first floor he was in strange territory, but that didn’t threaten him.

      What actually did bother him was the silence. Lumpy was used to noise. There was always noise on the street. The soup kitchens were noisy too. Even the sub-basement was noisy with the hum of the big heating units and the subway on the other side of the wall and the loading dock just down the passageway. On the other hand, it was the silence that enabled Lumpy to hear the approach of the guard a few seconds before he saw him. The suits were right about that part.

      “The guard comes directly from the jewelry department to the up escalator,” they had said. “They’re not running after closing time, the escalators, so you should be able to hear him walking on it before you see him. The instant you see him on that escalator you count the way we practiced and on ‘five steamboats’ you hit the button and then get out of there!”

      Lumpy put a flat, grimy thumb on the red button and the instant he saw an arm in a uniformed sleeve he began the count. On “five steamboats” he pressed down. Seconds later, when the guard disappeared from view, Lumpy slowly backed out of the lingerie department and easily found his way to the sub-basement. Next stop: the sewer over on Sackville and then into the 7-11 for his money. Duck soup. Easiest 500 bucks he’d ever made.

       Did Lumpy earn his money?

       Solution

6. The Case of the Open Safe

      Stop me if I told you this already. The news on the TV made me think of it. They always got that TV going in the lounge downstairs but the only thing I ever watch is the news. You happen to see it this morning? About some no-good who says the door to a safe was wide open before he got there? No matter. It was only a couple of seconds on the TV and you likely missed it. See, it was just like the heist at Barney Rawn’s Feed Store some ... some ... gotta be near 25 years ago now, I guess. Maybe 26 even. No matter. It was the year I retired from the force. That robbery, the one at Barney’s I mean, the guy what did it was one of the last no-goods I collared.

      Name was ... name was ... Y’know, it’s just awful how I forget names now. I can see the faces, but do you think I can put a name to... Lassiter! That’s the guy’s name! Lassiter! Cleaned out old Barney’s safe and then pretended he was the one discovered the cash was gone! Lotta nerve, eh? Come to think of it, he must be out by now, Lassiter. Got 20 years he did. See, he was on parole at the time, so the judge stuck him a good one. These guys never learn do they? Yea, he’d be out by now ... unless maybe he’s dead; he was no young kid at the time. Old Barney, gosh, he’s been gone now, I don’t know how long already.

      What’s that? Oh, yeah, Lassiter and the safe. Well, you see it was like this. Barney Rawn’s store was over on the east side of Langdon. You know where I mean: the street that runs straight south from the river. Car dealership there now, last I heard. Anyway, Barney’s store ... pretty good size building it was ... single story with an alley along the south side. There was a kinda rundown warehouse the other side of the alley that belonged to Barney too. He kept feed on the main floor in that one and mostly junk up on the second.

      What this Lassiter did ... did I mention he worked at the store? Barney, he was always takin’ in bums, givin’ ’em a job. Had a good heart, Barney, but it cost him. If I told him once, I told ’im a thousand times ... No matter. Anyway, Barney had a safe in this little storeroom at the back of the store. Kept it in a corner where the back wall meets the alley wall. That way it was pretty much outa sight of his customers ’cause the doorway was kitty corner. You know, like, on the diagonal. But there was no door in it. Too much bother, I guess, to open and close all the time. ’Specially if you’re carryin’ stuff. Now, what this Lassiter did, from time to time he’d get himself over to the upper floor of the warehouse across the alley and watch Barney through the windows when he opened the safe. See, Barney had to really take his time ’cause his eyes were goin’ so it didn’t take much just to watch and figure out the combination. And then Lassiter always got to see everything that was in the safe too, ’cause old Barney, soon as he spun the combination, he’d open the door wide. Meant Lassiter could pick the best time to rob it. Clever enough, I guess.

      Now, I know what you might be thinkin’ but this ain’t how I collared the guy. He — Lassiter, I mean — he told me all this about the combination and stuff after I arrested him, once he knew he was snookered anyway. No, how I caught him, or maybe it’s better to put it this way: how he snookered himself was ... well, like this. He gets himself into the storeroom one night. Wasn’t hard — Barney’s place was like a sieve. To give this Lassiter credit though, we never did figure out and he never told us, how he got outa the halfway house. Lockdown there was always sunset and for sure he was out after midnight. Anyway, here’s what he did.

      Like I said, he gets himself into the storeroom, opens the safe and takes out the cash drawer. Next morning, he shows up at the front door for work. See, Barney always opened up and whoever worked for him had to be there at the door whenever Barney said. Usually it was 8 o’clock. So Barney opens the door and they go in and Lassiter, he goes right to the back to the storeroom but kinda casual-like. Makes sure that Barney sees that he doesn’t go in. And then he yells from the doorway that the safe is open and the cash drawer is gone!

      See, the way I figured, he knew he’d be a suspect for sure, him bein’ on parole, so what he did was leave the safe door open so he could sorta announce what happened. I imagine he figured that would put him a step or two away from things. But do you know what he did wrong? How he trapped himself?

      You do, don’t you! I can see it in your face! Are you sure I haven’t told you this before? Sometimes I forget, you know. What did Lassiter do wrong?

       Solution

7. Getting to the Front Door

      “That’s the only way in. Through the gate there.”

      “You sure? The wall’s not all that high.”

      “Yea, but they got motion sensor beams all along the top. Random too so y’never know just where they are. Can’t go under. Over neither for that matter. Gotta go through the gate.”

      “Yet there’s no live security on the gate. How come?”

      “Right now it’s seven — what — seven-twenty. They’re live on the gate during the day. Just one guy but he’s off at six. Unless they got a party on at the house or something like that. Then they leave the gate open but there’s guards out here then. Otherwise on regular nights the guards patrol. Do rounds. Two of ’em — guards I mean — but they never change