The Expectant Father. Armin A. Brott

this point. Toward the end of this first trimester, your partner will probably begin to spend a lot of time concentrating on what’s happening inside her body, wondering whether she’ll be a good enough mother, and establishing a bond with the baby. She may be worried about the baby’s health or concerned that every little ache and pain she feels is a sign of some horrible disease. She’s probably internalizing her feelings about all this and may become a little self-absorbed. And if she has a close relationship with her mother, the two of them may develop a deeper bond as your partner tries to find good role models.

      Everything she’s going through at this point is completely normal. The danger, however, is that while your partner is turning inward, spending more time with her girlfriends, or bonding with her own mother and the baby, you may end up feeling left out, rejected, or even pushed out of the way. This can be particularly painful. But no matter how much it hurts, resist the urge to “retaliate” by withdrawing from her. Be as comforting as you can be, and let her know—in a nonconfrontational way—how you’re feeling (see the “Your Relationship” section, pages 86–90). Fortunately, this period of turning inward won’t last forever.

      Excluded—or Welcomed—by Your Partner’s Practitioners

      For some men—especially those who are feeling emotionally left out by their partners—the joy they experience at the increasing reality of the pregnancy can be outweighed by the bitterness they feel at the way they’re treated by their partner’s doctors. Pamela Jordan, a nurse and a pregnancy expert, found that most men feel that their presence at prenatal visits is perceived as “cute” or “novel.” I frequently hear from expectant dads that medical professionals have a tendency to treat them as if they’re mere onlookers or intruders, and consider their partners the only ones worth interacting with. If they were talked to at all during visits, it was only to discuss how to support their partners. The fact that an expectant dad might have very specific, unique, and important needs and concerns didn’t seem to occur to anyone.

      If you are interested in being involved and your partner’s practitioner isn’t as welcoming as you’d like, I can just about guarantee that your experience of the whole pregnancy will be tainted. Whether you realize it or not, you probably have some pretty clear ideas about how you’d like the pregnancy and birth to go. If you’re reduced to the role of spectator, you’re not going to get what you want, and you’re going to feel stressed and resentful. That will influence your level of involvement throughout the rest of the pregnancy and will make it a lot harder to adjust to all the changes that new fatherhood will bring.

I don’t mean to suggest that this kind of thing happens everywhere, or that the fault always lies entirely with the medical staff. A lot of guys feel a little squeamish around (or are just plain put off by) gynecological stuff, and they hide in the corner to avoid having to deal with it. And if your partner has a male OB, it can also be a little odd to be in the room while another guy has his hands in places you thought were off-limits to everyone but you. (Yes, pelvic exams are standard medical procedures, and if you go to enough appointments, you’ll get used to them, but still … )

      Fortunately, more and more medical professionals (but not nearly enough) are welcoming dads into the fold. In my case, over the course of three pregnancies, all of the OBs went out of their way to include me in the process. They made a special point of looking at me when talking about what was happening with my wife and the baby. They encouraged me to ask questions, and answered them thoroughly.

      Part of the reason for this was that from the very beginning I made it clear that I wanted to be involved and I peppered them with questions, so it was pretty much impossible for them to ignore me. I suggest that you do the same, especially if you have even the slightest suspicion that your partner’s practitioner is ignoring you or not taking you seriously.

      Our first OB even invited me to take a look at my wife’s cervix. I was a little put off by the idea, but getting to see the cervix—through which our baby would emerge just six months later—somehow made the pregnancy seem less mysterious and made me feel much more a part of the whole thing. (At the same time, I’ve got to admit that the experience was a little odd.) If your OB doesn’t offer you a look, ask for one—but expect some raised eyebrows. Be sure to ask your partner first, though. She might feel that it’s more than a bit intrusive—especially since it’s a part of her body that she may never see. Plus, she may simply not want anyone but her practitioner looking at her in such a clinical way. Can’t blame her for that one.

      Physical Symptoms: Couvade

      Although most of what you’ll be going through during your pregnancy will be psychological, don’t be surprised if you start developing some physical symptoms as well. Various studies estimate that as many as 90 percent of American expectant fathers experience couvade syndrome (from the French word meaning “to hatch”), or “sympathetic pregnancy.” Couvade symptoms are typically the same as those traditionally associated with pregnant women—weight gain, nausea, mood swings, food cravings—as well as some not necessarily associated with pregnant women: headaches, toothaches, itching, diarrhea, even cysts. Symptoms—if you’re going to have them at all—usually appear in about the third month of pregnancy, decrease for a few months, then pick up again in the month or two before the baby is born. In almost every case, though, the symptoms “mysteriously” disappear at the birth. Here are some of the most common reasons an expectant father might develop couvade symptoms:

      SYMPATHY OR FEELINGS OF GUILT FOR WHAT THE WOMAN IS GOING THROUGH

      Men have traditionally been socialized to bite the bullet when it comes to pain and discomfort. When our loved ones are suffering and we can’t do anything to stop it, our natural (and slightly irrational) instinct is to try to take their pain away—to make it ours instead of theirs. This is especially true if we have even the slightest feeling—no matter how crazy—that we’re responsible for the pain in the first place. If your partner has been suffering from morning sickness or has had any other pregnancy-related difficulties, you (and she) may feel that it’s your fault. And if her symptoms have been particularly rough, she might even reinforce your subconscious guilt by reminding you that you’re the one who “got her into all this” in the first place.

      JEALOUSY

      There’s no question that your partner is going to be getting a lot more attention during the pregnancy than you are. And some men who develop couvade symptoms undoubtedly do so in a subconscious attempt to shift the focus of the pregnancy to themselves. It’s as if they’re saying, “Hey, she’s not the only one around here who’s tossing her cookies,” or “Excuse me, but my pants aren’t fitting so well anymore either.” My father, who was pacing the waiting room while my mother was in labor with me, suddenly got a gushing nosebleed. Within seconds the delivery room was empty—except for my mother—as three nurses and two doctors raced out to take care of my poor, bleeding father. I’m sure he didn’t do it on purpose, but for one brief moment during the delivery, Dad was the complete center of attention. Similarly, physical symptoms could be a kind of public way of asserting paternity.

      Although it’s not exactly a couvade symptom, a lot of expectant dads take up hobbies or begin projects that allow them to create something new, just like their partner.

      YOUR HORMONES COULD BE RAGING

      No, I haven’t got that backward. While she’s pregnant, several of your partner’s hormone levels gradually rise. These include prolactin, which helps get her breasts ready to lactate (produce milk), and cortisol, which appears to be associated with parent-child bonding. It used to be that everyone thought these hormone changes were triggered by the developing fetus. But in several fascinating studies, researcher Anne Storey and her colleagues found something that may change a few minds. Storey took blood samples from expectant mothers and fathers at various points during the pregnancy and found that expectant dads’ levels of cortisol and prolactin (which you wouldn’t think guys would even have) paralleled their partners’. “The differences for mums were much more drastic, but the patterns were similar,” said Dr. Storey, who’s Canadian—hence the cute “mums.”

      Some