The Things I Should Have Told You. Carmel Harrington

to the fire, darling, and I’ll get the drinks.’

       As I stand in front of the crackling fire, I watch my boyfriend and feel like the luckiest girl in the world. He comes back with Irish coffees and we sit in front of the fire on two bar stools, hip to hip, our hands clasped around the glasses.

       ‘You’ve got cream on your nose!’ Olly laughs and I dip my finger into his cream and put a dollop on his nose too.

       We’re being silly and the look from the barman, who clearly thinks we’ve lost our minds, only makes us laugh more. We’re giddy from love. The world is a small place and only includes us two. I love this man so much that I can’t bear to be apart from him.

       ‘Marry me,’ Olly says, cream still on the tip of his nose.

       ‘What?’ I shriek.

       ‘I said, marry me. I love you Mae, I can’t live one more moment not knowing that we’re going to be together forever. Marry me? Please?’

      ‘Congratulations!’ Olly enthuses and starts to pump Aled’s hand up and down, bringing me back to the present. I blink away tears quickly before anyone notices. When did Olly stop calling me ‘darling’? I can’t remember the moment and that feels wrong. I just know he doesn’t any more. And the grief at the loss of a simple endearment that used to make my insides sing makes me want to weep. Instead, I turn to Aled, ‘I’m happy for you. And Edith too. Congratulations.’

      ‘She’s waiting for me in the hotel. We’re going back on the ferry tomorrow morning. Tonight, I think we’ll just have a nice meal and a walk along the quay. It’s a cracking town, Wexford is. I’ve had many a happy time visiting over the years.’

      He then walks over to the driver and passenger seats and tells us that we won’t want to miss this. He swivels the seats around, so that they are now part of the living area.

      ‘Ta da!’ he exclaims, clearly thrilled with this specification.

      ‘Very handy,’ Olly tells him and sits in the driver’s seat to try it out for size. ‘Comfortable too.’

      Oh dear. Olly is angling the mirror to suit him and has begun flicking switches on the dashboard. Jamie jumps into the passenger seat and starts swivelling it around, over and over, squeals of delight with each turn.

      ‘Safety belts here and here,’ Aled tells me, pointing to the seating in the lounge. ‘Don’t worry about the children travelling at the back. It’s all taken care of. Safe as houses back here they will be.’

      I am beginning to feel quite overwhelmed by it all again. Now that Aled is back doing his sales pitch, he begins to sound like one of those pushy time-share reps. Olly and I had the misfortune to spend time with one on a holiday years ago.

      ‘I want to go up there!’ Jamie shouts, pointing to the canopy bed over the driver’s cab.

      Aled chuckles and pulls down a ladder from it. ‘This is one of the double beds on board. I sometimes like to sleep here just for the hell of it. To mix things up, if you like. Although I usually sleep in the master bedroom at the back of the cabin.’

      Jamie clamours up and lies down, exclaiming, ‘Wow! This is so cool. Come up here, Evie!’

      Evie looks at Jamie in horror. ‘Over my dead body.’ She then turns her back on him, making sure he is under no illusion that the subject is closed.

      I hide my smile, but am jubilant that I have at least one ally in my anti-Nomad camp.

      ‘There’s also two single beds here,’ Aled tells Evie, pointing to the sofas. ‘You can have one of those if you don’t fancy sharing with your brother. It sleeps six people, you know. Follow me and I’ll show you the master bedroom and the bathroom.’

      ‘Sleep in the kitchen?’ Evie says, horror all over her face.

      ‘Don’t worry, you won’t have to,’ I whisper to her. She doesn’t answer me, but I think I see a flicker of gratitude in her face.

      Olly and I walk after him and I notice with a frown that my husband seems more animated than I’ve seen him in years. He cannot possibly be considering keeping this?

      Aled opens a door and we peer inside a small bathroom with a toilet, sink and a minuscule shower. It’s spotless and smells of lemons.

      ‘The water and heating system is fantastic. You’ll not be worrying about cold showers in Nomad. But here’s a top tip for you all. It’s easier to shower in the facilities that most campsites offer.’ He winks at Olly and me.

      ‘Oh and don’t worry about being cold. I’ve camped out in the iciest of weathers and been warm and toasty inside Nomad.’ He tells us this with utmost sincerity.

      ‘Right! This here is the master bedroom.’ Aled opens a small door that appears to be floating in the wall. He then pulls down a hatch below it to reveal a little step-ladder. He ushers us to climb up into the master bedroom, which in fact is a closet with a double bed in it. Over the bed are – yes, you guessed right – cupboards right up to the ceiling.

      ‘Lots of storage here too,’ Aled tells me and I stifle a groan.

      ‘I don’t see any wardrobes?’ I say. I mean where are you supposed to hang your dresses?

      Aled lets out a belly laugh and wipes at his eyes theatrically. ‘Wardrobes! You are funny!’

      Olly starts to laugh too, followed by Jamie, who both seem to think that the Welshman is a stand-up comic. I cannot for the life of me see what is so funny about there being no wardrobes in a camper van. I mean it appears to have cupboards in every possible spare inch, why not a bloody wardrobe?

      I feel like the outsider in our family once again, out of sync with the rest of them. I never seem to quite get the same jokes as them these days. I should be used to that feeling by now, but I’m not. Only a few hours ago, when we were driving home, it felt like the old days – us four against the world. But with every peal of laughter that they are all now emitting, I feel more alone.

      Damn you, Pops, what the hell were you thinking? Have you any idea of the trouble you are going to cause with this stupid trip you’ve planned?

      ‘Now the beauty of this model is the large garage you have on board. Come with me and prepare to be amazed.’ Aled walks quickly out of the cabin outside and we all follow. He’s practically skipping with excitement as he disembarks from the van.

      Jamie rushes to get out the door first, so that he doesn’t miss any of the excitement.

      ‘Cracking,’ I say and Evie sniggers. Olly throws a look of irritation my way and shushes me.

      Aled opens a door at the back of the van and I realise that what I would refer to as a large boot, he is in fact calling a garage.

      ‘Proper tidy,’ he boasts. ‘Not all campers have one this size, you know.’

      I’m a bit embarrassed when he catches me throwing my eyes up to the heavens.

      ‘I like to say that there’s room for a lot of junk in your trunk on my Nomad!’ he tells us. He starts to laugh at his own joke again and everyone laughs heartily with him. My smile feels false, who am I trying to kid?

      But then Evie walks over to me and whispers, ‘It’s lush,’ with a mischievous glint in her eye. I could hug her. I wonder, will Olly shush her too? But he just smiles at her. Right, it’s just me who is not allowed to make any jokes.

      I shiver, despite the warm evening. I have this weird sensation, as if I’m looking at my life from a distance. I see Olly and Jamie, with big grins on their excited faces, as they listen to Aled wax lyrical about Nomad. I see Evie, watching me, worried, because she can see that I’m not enjoying myself. And then, there’s me, standing to the left of everyone else. I’m a sorrowful sight with a frown that makes me look twenty years older. And once again I don’t recognise