Letters not sent. Heli Künnapas

I wanted to share my joy with him, he disappeared.

      He didn’t leave just me, he also left his grandmother behind. At least that was the case when I was still in contact with Marta. After Simon left, I was still in high school for about a year. From time to time, I’d bring Marta flowers and sit down with her for a chat. When I think about it now, there was so much more I could have done, but hanging out with a former friend’s grandma didn’t make it to the top of my high school days’ priorities…

      What was she thinking? I seriously don’t get it why would she leave me half of her house? Is it some strange joke and I’ve been taken for a fool? Is Simon using this as a trick to get back at me? But for what? For just walking away and leaving me?

      I can’t tell Lauri about any of this, he already thinks I’m out of touch with reality. If I’d tell him that my former best friend’s grandmother has left me half of her house, he’d think I’ve totally lost it.

      This is my life – I need to calculate what I can share with my husband, based on what fits into his mental map of the world. If it won’t fit his framework, I’ll keep it to myself. This means I can’t share most of my life. He’s a CFO – his life is led by numbers, order, rules and stability.

      I’m the opposite. My work is to dance. This demands a complete collaboration of body and soul. I can’t just pull off a performance in the break between TV shows. Of course, it’s possible to practice specific moves and train for physical fitness. But the true magic of dance is born when every part of you works together in perfect harmony. You cannot shine on the stage while worrying about unpaid bills or dirty dishes.

      I stopped performing professionally after the kids were born, but a few years back I fulfilled another lifelong dream by opening a dance school. I’ve been judged by many for starting my own business while my kids are still small. In truth, my own kids where my main inspiration – providing them with opportunities makes me want to work harder.