The Code of the Woosters / Фамильная честь Вустеров. Пелам Гренвилл Вудхаус

second:

      Surprised receive no answer my telegram saying Come immediately serious rift Madeline and self. Reply.

Gussie

      And the third:

      I say, Bertie, why don’t you answer my telegrams? Sent you two today saying Come immediately serious rift Madeline and self. Unless you come earliest possible moment prepared lend every effort effect reconciliation[42], wedding will be broken off. Reply.

Gussie

      Something had whispered to me on seeing those envelopes that here we had a big trouble, and here we had.

      The sound of the familiar footsteps had brought Jeeves. A glance was enough to tell him that all was not well with the employer.

      “Are you ill, sir?” he enquired solicitously.

      I sank into a chair.

      “Not ill, Jeeves, but I am going to die. Read these.”

      He read the telegrams.

      “Most disturbing, sir.” His voice was grave. I could see that he hadn’t missed the gist. The sinister idea of those telegrams was as clear to him as it was to me. There was no need to explain to him why I now lighted a cigarette with a visible effort.

      “What do you suppose has happened, Jeeves?”

      “It is difficult to hazard a conjecture, sir.”

      “The wedding may be scratched, he says. Why? That is what I ask myself. ”

      “Yes, sir.”

      “And I have no doubt that that is what you ask yourself?”

      “Yes, sir.”

      “A difficult case, Jeeves.”

      “Extremely difficult, sir.”

      “What shall I do, Jeeves?”

      “I think it would be best to proceed to Totleigh Towers, sir.”

      “But how can I? Old Bassett would drive me out the moment I arrived.”

      “Possibly if you were to telegraph to Mr. Fink-Nottle, sir, explaining your difficulty, he might have some solution to suggest.”

      This seemed reasonable. I hastened out to the post office, and wired as follows:

      Fink-Nottle, Totleigh Towers,

      Totleigh-in-the-Wold[43].

      Yes, that’s all very well. You say come here immediately, but how can I? You don’t understand relations between Pop Bassett and myself. He would not say “welcome” to Bertram. What is to be done? What has happened? Why serious rift? What serious rift? How do you mean wedding broken off? What have you been doing to the girl? Reply.

Bertie

      The answer to this came during dinner:

      Wooster, Berkeley Mansions, Berkeley Square, London.

      See difficulty, but think can work it[44]. In spite strained relations, Madeline still speaking. Am telling her have received urgent letter from you pleading be allowed come here. Expect invitation shortly.

Gussie

      And in the morning, I received three telegrams. The first ran:

      Have worked it. Invitation dispatched. When you come, will you bring book entitled My Friends The Newts by Loretta Peabody[45] published Popgood and Grooly[46].

Gussie

      The second:

      Bertie, you old ass, I hear you are coming here. Delighted, as something very important want you do for me.

Stiffy

      The third:

      Please come here if you wish, but, oh Bertie, is this wise? Will not it cause you needless pain seeing me? Surely merely twisting knife wound[47].

Madeline

      Jeeves was bringing me the morning cup of tea when I read these telegrams, and I handed them to him in silence. He read them. Then he spoke.

      “I think that we should start at once, sir.”

      “I suppose so.”

      “I will pack immediately. Would you wish me to call Mrs Travers on the telephone?”

      “Why?”

      “She has rung up several times this morning.”

      “Oh? Then perhaps you had better give her a call.”

      “I think it will not be necessary, sir. I fancy that this would be the lady now.”

      A long peal had sounded from the front door. A moment later it was plain that his intuition had not deceived him. A booming voice rolled through the flat.

      “Isn’t that young hound awake yet, Jeeves?… Oh, there you are.”

      Aunt Dahlia appeared. The breath came jerkily, and the eyes gleamed with a goofy light.

      “I’ve been awake some little time,” I corrected. “As a matter of fact, I was just about to partake of the morning meal. You will join me, I hope? Bacon and eggs may, eh?”

      She snorted

      “Eggs! What I want is a brandy and soda. Tell Jeeves to mix me one. And if he forgets to put in the soda, it will be all right with me. Bertie, a frightful thing has happened.”

      “Let’s go to the dining saloon, my dear aunt,” I said. “We shall not be interrupted there. Jeeves will come in here to pack.”

      “Are you off somewhere?”

      “Totleigh Towers. I have had a most disturbing—”

      “Totleigh Towers? Well, I’m dashed! That’s just where I came to tell you you had got to go immediately”

      “Eh?”

      “Matter of life and death.”

      “What do you mean?”

      “You’ll soon see, when I’ve explained.”

      “Then come along to the dining room and explain at your earliest convenience.”

      “Now then, my dear old auntie,” I said, when Jeeves had brought the foodstuffs and withdrawn, “tell me all.”

      For an instant, there was silence, broken only by the musical sound of an aunt drinking brandy and soda. Then she drew a deep breath. “Bertie,” she said, “I wish to begin by saying a few words about Sir Watkyn Bassett. May greenfly attack his roses. May his cook be drunk on the night of the big dinner party. May all his hens die.”

      “Does he keep hens?” I said. “May his cistern start leaking, and may white ants, if there are any in England, gnaw away the foundations of Totleigh Towers. And when he walks to the church with his daughter Madeline, may he get a sneezing fit and find that he has come out without a pocket handkerchief”

      She paused.

      “Quite,” I said. “I agree with you in too. But what has he done?”

      “I will tell you. You remember that cow-creamer?”

      I dug into a fried egg, quivering a little.

      “Remember it? I shall never forget it. You will scarcely believe this, Aunt Dahlia, but when I got to the shop, who should be there by the most amazing coincidence but this same Bassett—”

      “It wasn’t a coincidence. He had gone there to have a look at the thing,

42

unless you come earliest possible moment prepared lend every effort effect reconciliation – если ты не прибудешь как можно раньше и не помиришь нас

43

Totleigh-in-the-Wold – Тотли-на-нагорье

44

think can work it – думаю, ты сможешь всё уладить

45

Loretta Peabody – Лоретта Пибоди

46

Popgood and Grooly – «Попгуд и Грули» (название издательства)

47

twisting knife wound – бередишь рану