Four Short Plays. Galsworthy John

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      Four Short Plays

A Satiric Trifle

      CHARACTERS

      HERSELF.

      LADY ELLA.

      THE SQUIRE.

      THE MAID.

      MAUD.

      THE RECTOR.

      THE DOCTOR.

      THE CABMAN.

      HANNIBAL and EDWARD

      HALL-MARKED

      The scene is the sitting-room and verandah of HER bungalow. The room is pleasant, and along the back, where the verandah runs, it seems all window, both French and casement. There is a door right and a door left. The day is bright; the time morning. [HERSELF, dripping wet, comes running along the verandah, through the French window, with a wet Scotch terrier in her arms. She vanishes through the door left. A little pause, and LADY ELLA comes running, dry, thin, refined, and agitated. She halts where the tracks of water cease at the door left. A little pause, and MAUD comes running, fairly dry, stolid, breathless, and dragging a bull-dog, wet, breathless, and stout, by the crutch end of her 'en-tout-cas'].

      LADY ELLA. Don't bring Hannibal in till I know where she's put Edward!

      MAUD. [Brutally, to HANNIBAL] Bad dog! Bad dog!

      [HANNIBAL snuffles.]

      LADY ELLA. Maud, do take him out! Tie him up. Here! [She takes out a lace handkerchief] No – something stronger! Poor darling Edward! [To HANNIBAL] You are a bad dog!

      [HANNIBAL snuffles.]

      MAUD. Edward began it, Ella. [To HANNIBAL] Bad dog! Bad dog!

      [HANNIBAL snuffles.]

      LADY ELLA. Tie him up outside. Here, take my scarf. Where is my poor treasure? [She removes her scarf] Catch! His ear's torn; I saw it.

      MAUD. [Taking the scarf, to HANNIBAL] Now!

      [HANNIBAL snuffles.] [She ties the scarf to his collar]

      He smells horrible. Bad dog – getting into ponds to fight!

      LADY ELLA. Tie him up, Maud. I must try in here.

      [Their husbands, THE SQUIRE and THE RECTOR, come hastening along the verandah.]

      MAUD. [To THE RECTOR] Smell him, Bertie! [To THE SQUIRE] You might have that pond drained, Squire!

      [She takes HANNIBAL out, and ties him to the verandah. THE SQUIRE and RECTOR Come in. LADY ELLA is knocking on the door left.]

      HER VOICE. All right! I've bound him up!

      LADY ELLA. May I come in?

      HER VOICE. Just a second! I've got nothing on.

      [LADY ELLA recoils. THE SQUIRE and RECTOR make an involuntary movement of approach.]

      LADY ELLA. Oh! There you are!

      THE RECTOR. [Doubtfully] I was just going to wade in —

      LADY ELLA. Hannibal would have killed him, if she hadn't rushed in!

      THE SQUIRE. Done him good, little beast!

      LADY ELLA. Why didn't you go in, Tommy?

      THE SQUIRE. Well, I would – only she —

      LADY ELLA. I can't think how she got Edward out of Hannibal's awful mouth!

      MAUD. [Without – to HANNIBAL, who is snuffling on the verandah and straining at the scarf] Bad dog!

      LADY ELLA. We must simply thank her tremendously! I shall never forget the way she ran in, with her skirts up to her waist!

      THE SQUIRE. By Jove! No. It was topping.

      LADY ELLA. Her clothes must be ruined. That pond – ugh! [She wrinkles her nose] Tommy, do have it drained.

      THE RECTOR. [Dreamily] I don't remember her face in church.

      THE SQUIRE. Ah! Yes. Who is she? Pretty woman!

      LADY ELLA. I must get the Vet. to Edward. [To THE SQUIRE] Tommy, do exert yourself!

      [MAUD re-enters.]

      THE SQUIRE. All right! [Exerting himself] Here's a bell!

      HER VOICE. [Through the door] The bleeding's stopped. Shall I send him in to you?

      LADY ELLA. Oh, please! Poor darling!

      [They listen.] [LADY ELLA, prepares to receive EDWARD. THE SQUIRE and RECTOR stand transfixed. The door opens, and a bare arm gently pushes EDWARD forth. He is bandaged with a smooth towel. There is a snuffle – HANNIBAL has broken the scarf, outside.]

      LADY ELLA. [Aghast] Look! Hannibal's loose! Maud – Tommy. [To THE RECTOR] You!

      [The THREE rush to prevent HANNIBAL from re-entering.]

      LADY ELLA. [To EDWARD] Yes, I know – you'd like to! You SHALL bite him when it's safe. Oh! my darling, you DO – [She sniffs].

      [MAUD and THE SQUIRE re-enter.]

      Have you tied him properly this time?

      MAUD. With Bertie's braces.

      LADY ELLA. Oh! but —

      MAUD. It's all right; they're almost leather.

      [THE RECTOR re-enters, with a slight look of insecurity.]

      LADY ELLA. Rector, are you sure it's safe?

      THE RECTOR. [Hitching at his trousers] No, indeed, LADY Ella – I —

      LADY ELLA. Tommy, do lend a hand!

      THE SQUIRE. All right, Ella; all right! He doesn't mean what you mean!

      LADY ELLA. [Transferring EDWARD to THE SQUIRE] Hold him, Tommy. He's sure to smell out Hannibal!

      THE SQUIRE. [Taking EDWARD by the collar, and holding his own nose] Jove! Clever if he can smell anything but himself. Phew! She ought to have the Victoria Cross for goin' in that pond.

      [The door opens, and HERSELF appears; a fine, frank, handsome woman, in a man's orange-coloured motor-coat, hastily thrown on over the substrata of costume.]

      SHE. So very sorry – had to have a bath, and change, of course!

      LADY ELLA. We're so awfully grateful to you. It was splendid.

      MAUD. Quite.

      THE RECTOR. [Rather holding himself together] Heroic! I was just myself about to —

      THE SQUIRE. [Restraining EDWARD] Little beast will fight – must apologise – you were too quick for me —

      [He looks up at her. She is smiling, and regarding the wounded dog, her head benevolently on one side.]

      SHE. Poor dears! They thought they were so safe in that nice pond!

      LADY ELLA. Is he very badly torn?

      SHE. Rather nasty. There ought to be a stitch or two put in his ear.

      LADY ELLA. I thought so. Tommy, do —

      THE SQUIRE. All right. Am I to let him go?

      LADY ELLA. No.

      MAUD. The fly's outside. Bertie, run and tell Jarvis to drive in for the Vet.

      THE RECTOR. [Gentle and embarrassed] Run? Well, Maud – I —

      SHE. The doctor would sew it up. My maid can go round.

      [HANNIBAL. appears at the open casement with the broken braces dangling from his collar.]

      LADY ELLA. Look! Catch him! Rector!

      MAUD. Bertie! Catch him!

      [THE RECTOR seizes HANNIBAL, but is seen to be in difficulties with his garments. HERSELF, who has gone out left, returns, with a leather strop in one hand and a pair of braces in the other.]

      SHE. Take this strop – he can't break that. And would these be any good to you?

      [SHE