The Curious Republic of Gondour and Other Whimsical Sketches. Mark Twain

since the ministry and the parliament governed the land, and he was liable to impeachment for misconduct. This great office had twice been ably filled by women, women as aptly fitted for it as some of the sceptred queens of history. Members of the cabinet, under many administrations, had been women.

      I found that the pardoning power was lodged in a court of pardons, consisting of several great judges. Under the old regime, this important power was vested in a single official, and he usually took care to have a general jail delivery in time for the next election.

      I inquired about public schools. There were plenty of them, and of free colleges too. I inquired about compulsory education. This was received with a smile, and the remark:

      “When a man’s child is able to make himself powerful and honoured according to the amount of education he acquires, don’t you suppose that that parent will apply the compulsion himself? Our free schools and free colleges require no law to fill them.”

      There was a loving pride of country about this person’s way of speaking which annoyed me. I had long been unused to the sound of it in my own. The Gondour national airs were forever dinning in my ears; therefore I was glad to leave that country and come back to my dear native land, where one never hears that sort of music.

      A Memory

      When I say that I never knew my austere father to be enamoured of but one poem in all the long half century that he lived, persons who knew him will easily believe me; when I say that I have never composed but one poem in all the long third of a century that I have lived, persons who know me will be sincerely grateful; and finally, when I say that the poem which I composed was not the one which my father was enamoured of, persons who may have known us both will not need to have this truth shot into them with a mountain howitzer before they can receive it. My father and I were always on the most distant terms when I was a boy – a sort of armed neutrality so to speak. At irregular intervals this neutrality was broken, and suffering ensued; but I will be candid enough to say that the breaking and the suffering were always divided up with strict impartiality between us – which is to say, my father did the breaking, and I did the suffering. As a general thing I was a backward, cautious, unadventurous boy; but I once jumped off a two-story table; another time I gave an elephant a “plug” of tobacco and retired without waiting for an answer; and still another time I pretended to be talking in my sleep, and got off a portion of a very wretched original conundrum in the hearing of my father. Let us not pry into the result; it was of no consequence to any one but me.

      But the poem I have referred to as attracting my father’s attention and achieving his favour was “Hiawatha.” Some man who courted a sudden and awful death presented him an early copy, and I never lost faith in my own senses until I saw him sit down and go to reading it in cold blood – saw him open the book, and heard him read these following lines, with the same inflectionless judicial frigidity with which he always read his charge to the jury, or administered an oath to a witness:

      “Take your bow, O Hiawatha,

      Take your arrows, jasper-headed,

      Take your war-club, Puggawaugun,

      And your mittens, Minjekahwan,

      And your birch canoe for sailing,

      And the oil of Mishe-Nama.”

      Presently my father took out of his breast pocket an imposing “Warranty Deed,” and fixed his eyes upon it and dropped into meditation. I knew what it was. A Texan lady and gentleman had given my half-brother, Orrin Johnson, a handsome property in a town in the North, in gratitude to him for having saved their lives by an act of brilliant heroism.

      By and by my father looked towards me and sighed. Then he said:

      “If I had such a son as this poet, here were a subject worthier than the traditions of these Indians.”

      “If you please, sir, where?”

      “In this deed.”

      “Yes – in this very deed,” said my father, throwing it on the table. “There is more poetry, more romance, more sublimity, more splendid imagery hidden away in that homely document than could be found in all the traditions of all the savages that live.”

      “Indeed, sir? Could I – could I get it out, sir? Could I compose the poem, sir, do you think?”

      “You?”

      I wilted.

      Presently my father’s face softened somewhat, and he said:

      “Go and try. But mind, curb folly. No poetry at the expense of truth. Keep strictly to the facts.”

      I said I would, and bowed myself out, and went upstairs.

      “Hiawatha” kept droning in my head – and so did my father’s remarks about the sublimity and romance hidden in my subject, and also his injunction to beware of wasteful and exuberant fancy. I noticed, just here, that I had heedlessly brought the deed away with me; now at this moment came to me one of those rare moods of daring recklessness, such as I referred to a while ago. Without another thought, and in plain defiance of the fact that I knew my father meant me to write the romantic story of my half-brother’s adventure and subsequent good fortune, I ventured to heed merely the letter of his remarks and ignore their spirit. I took the stupid “Warranty Deed” itself and chopped it up into Hiawathian blank verse without altering or leaving out three words, and without transposing six. It required loads of courage to go downstairs and face my father with my performance. I started three or four times before I finally got my pluck to where it would stick. But at last I said I would go down and read it to him if he threw me over the church for it. I stood up to begin, and he told me to come closer. I edged up a little, but still left as much neutral ground between us as I thought he would stand. Then I began. It would be useless for me to try to tell what conflicting emotions expressed themselves upon his face, nor how they grew more and more intense, as I proceeded; nor how a fell darkness descended upon his countenance, and he began to gag and swallow, and his hands began to work and twitch, as I reeled off line after line, with the strength ebbing out of me, and my legs trembling under me:

The story of A gallant deed

      This indenture, made the tenth

      Day of November, in the year

      Of our Lord one thousand eight

      Hundred six-and-fifty,

      Between Joanna S. E. Gray

      And Philip Gray, her husband,

      Of Salem City in the State

      Of Texas, of the first part,

      And O. B. Johnson, of the town

      Of Austin, ditto, WITNESSETH:

      That said party of first part,

      For and in consideration

      Of the sum of Twenty Thousand

      Dollars, lawful money of

      The U. S. of Americay,

      To them in hand now paid by said

      Party of the second part,

      The due receipt whereof is here—

      By confessed and acknowledged

      Having Granted, Bargained, Sold, Remised,

      Released and Aliened and Conveyed,

      Confirmed, and by these presents do

      Grant and Bargain, Sell, Remise,

      Alien, Release, Convey, and Con—

      Firm unto the said aforesaid

      Party of the second part,

      And to his heirs and assigns

      Forever and ever all

      That certain lot or parcel of

      land situate in city of

      Dunkirk, County of Chautauqua,

      And likewise furthermore in York State

      Bounded and described, to-wit,

      As