Gill Sims
Список книг автора Gill SimsWhy Mummy Doesn’t Give a ****!
Family begins with a capital eff.I’m wondering how many more f*cking ‘phases’ I have to endure before my children become civilised and functioning members of society? It seems like people have been telling me ‘it’s just a phase!’ for the last fifteen bloody years. Not sleeping through the night is ‘just a phase.’ Potty training and the associated accidents ‘is just a phase’. The tantrums of the terrible twos are ‘just a phase’. The picky eating, the back chat, the obsessions. The toddler refusals to nap, the teenage inability to leave their beds before 1pm without a rocket being put up their arse. The endless singing of Frozen songs, the dabbing, the weeks where apparently making them wear pants was akin to child torture. All ‘just phases!’ When do the ‘phases’ end though? WHEN? Mummy dreams of a quirky rural cottage with roses around the door and chatty chickens in the garden. Life, as ever, is not going quite as she planned. Paxo, Oxo and Bisto turn out to be highly rambunctious, rather than merely chatty, and the roses have jaggy thorns. Her precious moppets are now giant teenagers, and instead of wittering at her about who would win in a fight – a dragon badger or a ninja horse – they are Snapchatting the night away, stropping around the tiny cottage and communicating mainly in grunts – except when they are demanding Ellen provides taxi services in the small hours. And there is never, but never, any milk in the house. At least the one thing they can all agree on is that rescued Barry the Wolfdog may indeed be The Ugliest Dog in the World, but he is also the loveliest.
Why Mummy Swears
The hilarious second novel, and Sunday Times No 1 Bestseller, from author of the smash hit Why Mummy Drinks.Monday, 25 July The first day of the holidays. I suppose it could’ve been worse. I brightly announced that perhaps it might be a lovely idea to go to a stately home and learn about some history. As soon as we got there I remembered why I don’t use the flipping National Trust membership – because National Trust properties are full of very precious and breakable items, and very precious and breakable items don’t really mix with children, especially not small boys. Where I had envisaged childish faces glowing with wonder as they took in the treasures of our nation’s illustrious past, we instead had me shouting ‘Don’t touch, DON’T TOUCH, FFS DON’T TOUCH!” while stoutly shod pensioners tutted disapprovingly and drafted angry letters to the Daily Mail in their heads. How many more days of the holiday are there?Welcome to Mummy’s world… The Boy Child Peter is connected to his iPad by an umbilical cord, The Girl Child Jane is desperate to make her fortune as an Instagram lifestyle influencer, while Daddy is constantly off on exotic business trips… Mummy’s marriage is feeling the strain, her kids are running wild and the house is steadily developing a forest of mould. Only Judgy, the Proud and Noble Terrier, remains loyal as always. Mummy has also found herself a new challenge, working for a hot new tech start-up. But not only is she worrying if, at forty-two, she could actually get up off a bean bag with dignity, she’s also somehow (accidentally) rebranded herself as a single party girl who works hard, plays hard and doesn’t have to run out when the nanny calls in sick. Can Mummy keep up the facade while keeping her family afloat? Can she really get away with wearing ‘comfy trousers’ to work? And, more importantly, can she find the time to pour herself a large G+T? Probably effing not.
Why Mummy Doesn’t Give a ****
Family begins with a capital eff.I’m wondering how many more f*cking ‘phases’ I have to endure before my children become civilised and functioning members of society? It seems like people have been telling me ‘it’s just a phase!’ for the last fifteen bloody years. Not sleeping through the night is ‘just a phase.’ Potty training and the associated accidents ‘is just a phase’. The tantrums of the terrible twos are ‘just a phase’. The picky eating, the back chat, the obsessions. The toddler refusals to nap, the teenage inability to leave their beds before 1pm without a rocket being put up their arse. The endless singing of Frozen songs, the dabbing, the weeks where apparently making them wear pants was akin to child torture. All ‘just phases!’ When do the ‘phases’ end though? WHEN? Mummy dreams of a quirky rural cottage with roses around the door and chatty chickens in the garden. Life, as ever, is not going quite as she planned. Paxo, Oxo and Bisto turn out to be highly rambunctious, rather than merely chatty, and the roses have jaggy thorns. Her precious moppets are now giant teenagers, and instead of wittering at her about who would win in a fight – a dragon badger or a ninja horse – they are Snapchatting the night away, stropping around the tiny cottage and communicating mainly in grunts – except when they are demanding Ellen provides taxi services in the small hours. And there is never, but never, any milk in the house. At least the one thing they can all agree on is that rescued Barry the Wolfdog may indeed be The Ugliest Dog in the World, but he is also the loveliest.
Miks emme vannub
Tere tulemast emme maailma!Emme rüblikust poeg Peter on oma iPhone’iga kokku kasvanud, nagu ühendaks neid nabanöör. Puberteediikka jõudnud Jane on võtnud kindlalt pähe Instagramis staariks saada. Issi käib aga aina tihedamini eksootilistel ärireisidel …Pinged emme abielus kasvavad, lapsed muutuvad aina pöörasemaks ja maja kipub igast otsast lagunema. Ainult Judgy, Uhke ja Üllas Terjer, jääb ustavaks. Lisaks ootavad emmet uued väljakutsed, sest ta asub tööle trendikas start-up’is. Lisaks sellele, et 42aastasena pole kuigi lihtne kott-toolist mingigi väärikusega püsti saada, on ta endast suutnud jätta kolleegidele (kogemata) mulje kui vallalisest peoloomast, kes elab üksnes tööle ja lõbudele ega tea midagi lastekasvatamise muredest ja rõõmudest.Kas emme tuleb toime? Kas ta suudab säilitada ma-olen-nii-lahe fassaadi tööl ja hoida pere koos? Ja mis veel olulisem, kas ta leiab aega mõne lõdvestava veiniklaasi jaoks?Kuramuse tõenäoliselt mitte. Järg raamatule “Miks emme joob”
Why Mummy Swears: The Sunday Times Number One Bestseller
The hilarious second novel, and Sunday Times No 1 Bestseller, from author of the smash hit Why Mummy Drinks.Welcome to Mummy’s world…The Boy Child Peter is connected to his iPad by an umbilical cord, The Girl Child Jane is desperate to make her fortune as an Instagram lifestyle influencer, while Daddy is constantly off on exotic business trips…Mummy’s marriage is feeling the strain, her kids are running wild and the house is steadily developing a forest of mould. Only Judgy, the Proud and Noble Terrier, remains loyal as always.Mummy has also found herself a new challenge, working for a hot new tech start-up. But not only is she worrying if, at forty-two, she could actually get up off a bean bag with dignity, she’s also somehow (accidentally) rebranded herself as a single party girl who works hard, plays hard and doesn’t have to run out when the nanny calls in sick.Can Mummy keep up the facade while keeping her family afloat? Can she really get away with wearing ‘comfy trousers’ to work? And, more importantly, can she find the time to pour herself a large G+T?Probably effing not.
Miks emme joob
Issi on Väga Tähtis Mees ja talle meeldivad tehnikavidinad. Ja tema kuur. Lapsed Peter ja Jane istuvad lakkamatult mõne ekraani taga, ning kui nad seda ei tee, üritavad nad teineteist ära tappa ja ajavad emmet hulluks. On emme 39. sünnipäev. Tema ees seisab lohutu pilt tulevikust, täis inimesi, kes kutsuvad teda nende edasijõudnute joogasse, ning ontlikke raamatuklubisid, kus igaüks väidab end olevat svipsis pärast esimest klaasi veini ja ütleb asju nagu „Isver, kas sa jood tõesti veel ühe?“. Aga emme ei taha seda kõike! Ta ei taha, et temast saaks üks neist mõistliku soenguga naistest, kes „elavad oma laste jaoks“ ja kiitlevad võsukeste erikuradieriliste kooliväliste tegevuste ja „saavutustega“ ning hooplevad puhkusereisidega. Selle asemel haarab ta suure klaasi veini ning saadab kõik perse. Kuni talle meenub idee, mis talle kõrtsis juua täis peaga tuli … Gill Sims peab tohutult populaarset lastekasvatusblogi ja Facebooki lehte „Peter ja Jane“. Ta elab Šotimaal koos abikaasa, kahe lapse ja varjupaigast võetud kasvatamatu borderterjeriga. Gilli hobid on veinijoomine, aja raiskamine sotsiaalmeedias, katsed taas läbi elada oma kadunud noorust ning koera otsimine, kui see on järjekordselt otsustanud oma asju ajama minna.