The bird's milk. A humorous story with a light touch of satire. Marsel Salimov

with a light touch of satire)

      Compiled by E. Kirilskaya

      © Salimov Marsel, 2016

      © International Union of writers, 2016

* * *

      Satire, like an attractive woman, attracts many but accepts few.

      Precious Son-in-law

      What wouldn't one do for one's beloved daughter? Everything: possible, and even impossible. Irkya was the most precious creature in the lives of Akbar and Yamiga, as she was growing like the yolk in the egg: her parents were fussing over her every single minute. The tender creature, you might say. But on the other hand, time flies fast. Very fast! It seems, it was yesterday when their daughter was babbling her first words, was playing with dolls and was going to the first class. Today, no one will recognize that little girl in this beautiful woman. The real bride, that was what she was now. The parents only gasped, when their beloved child said one day after coming home from a disco:

      – Dear mom and dad, you can congratulate me, I am marrying Amodest!

      Naturally, the mother wanted to lose consciousness, but Akbar, like a real man, did not let this happen.

      – Calm down, Yamiga, – he said. – We are all a bit crazy when we are young. That's life.

      However, Yamiga could not calm down and decided to take this out not on her daughter but on her husband. She took him into the next room and said:

      – Why are you trying to calm me down? You are the only one in the house, who does not know and does not see anything. I saw this coming long ago. Do you know what that man is? He is the son of Kumakaev!

      Yamiga was so impressed that Akbar did not dare to ask her what people, the Kumakaev family, were and why they should worry that much. He thought it was better to shake his head emphatically and say:

      – A-a-a!

      It should be noted that the senior clerk of the small office, Akbar Minlikaev, is only afraid of his wife. Even his immediate superior in the office is nothing for him in comparison with his wife. They have been married for twenty years, yet, when she gets angry, Akbar has goose bumps, red spots, rashes, and other allergic reactions. However, Akbar should be given credit, as he has never badmouthed his wife. Why? It is a special topic. Perhaps, his pride does not allow him to complain for people can laugh at him, can call him a fool, and can ask why then he lives with this woman.

      On the one hand, it is true that life with Yamiga is hard for she has a complicated, extraordinary personality. If she sees something at her friends' place or in the shop, she will become tensed, and it will be impossible to be around her. She cannot bear to see other people have what she does not. And for Yamiga and Akbar only have friends of a particular kind (as Yamiga prefers to be around wealthy and powerful people), it is not easy to keep up with them. That is why Akbar is never idle. He always keeps himself busy, looks for opportunities everywhere. He searches, gets or «intrigues», sometimes acting on the fringes of the law (to somebody's liking), being encouraged by his indomitable wife.

      But on the other hand, it is comfortable enough for a man like Akbar to live with a woman like Yamiga. He is well-dressed, well-groomed, and satisfied. He does not have to worry about anything. He is always in good health and high spirits. What else does a man need?

      – What do you mean by this «a-a-a»? – Yamiga looked at her husband with suspicion. – You are silly if you have no idea what Kumakaev is!

      – Why silly? – Akbar smiled, though he had got angry.

      It should be made clear that Yamiga, despite her imperious temper, never forces her ways in the relationship with her husband. She knows that her husband cannot be pissed off. If she is too pushy she will have problems. All men are the same. For nothing they begin to look away from home, to dream of happy life with another woman. In short, she should not cross the line. But Yamiga always has control over her family life. She does not entrust this to her husband. Akbar, as the engine of the family, had to work. Nobody will go anywhere without this engine. Therefore, she needs to look after him: to refuel him with delicious lunch in time, to get him to bed, and, of course, to treat him sometimes to a glass of cognac.

      Even a waggon creaks without maintenance, to say nothing of a husband. For Yamiga, Akbar is not a waste of space. Literally, he is a godsend. Yamiga likes his can-do attitude and persistence in achieving goals. Perhaps, somebody else would call these qualities something else, but not Yamiga. She never thought this way, as Akbar complemented her own ingenuity and the ability to use everything they have. Yamiga needs Akbar, like a spacious trunk needs a strong lock. If one adds up all pros and cons, all advantages and disadvantages, it is simply in Yamiga's and Akbar's interests to live together…

      Having assessed the smile of her husband, Yamiga instantly realized that she had gone a bit too far than it was necessary and immediately changed her tone.

      – Honestly, Akbar, you are a character, – she said. – Kumakaev is an outstanding…! – She almost choked with delight.

      – Scientist? – Akbar got wide-eyed.

      Yamiga shook her head.

      – Artist?

      – No! – Yamiga waved away. – You are telling me some nonsense.

      – What is he then?

      – Well, how come you cannot guess! – The wife said reproachfully. – He is an official. And this is more than an outstanding scientist, the most famous artist, the most…

      – A-a-a… You should have just said so. I think I saw him once at the presidium. He looked important.

      – Really? Well, that's good! – Yamiga rejoiced. – You should be grateful to me. What would you do without me?

      Akbar, as a sign of full consent, wanted to hug his wife but did not dare. He could not do this as during all these twenty years she was growing broadwise and was becoming as huge as a baobab.

      – Now, we need to get ready for the wedding, – Yamiga continued. – We cannot lose face in front of the whole city. Remember, the wedding of… – Yamiga called the most famous name in the city. Akbar opened his eyes wide frightened but then nodded.

      The guest list is a delicate matter. Despite relatives, one needs to consider carefully the following: whom to invite for prestige purposes, whom – to spite enemies, and whom – just to teach them a lesson. Everything should be taken into account. They should invite somebody from the building trust, somebody from the department store, a salesman from the supermarket, a cashier from the theatre… One guest is more important than the second one, the second one is more important than the third one. It was clear that Akbar was absolutely incompetent in this. He did not even need this. Yamiga, without any help, coped with this arduous task brilliantly and immediately began to think of a menu that would be worthy of her guests. Considering our poor choice of products, it was the most arduous task, but, thank God, she had Akbar. He was irreplaceable in this matter. However, even he, as an expert in getting things done, had some hard time. The wishes of a woman can be odd and unlimited if she uses her ambition. Can one imagine a wedding, for example, without bananas, oysters or swallow's nests, which are made by these amazing birds specifically for export? You know, without all this, the Bashkir wedding, as well as any other wedding in this country, will be nothing but a parody. And say nothing of such trifles as delicious pilau, pelmeni, beshbarmak and other dishes, for which one needs all types of meat and fish that can be found in developed, developing and underdeveloped countries. And what about berries, fruits, and vegetables for pies, salads, and snacks? How can one list everything? Nevertheless, Akbar found all this, brought home and put in the kitchen. He did even more! Though it was the middle of winter, the wedding should be with lilac. It was a custom. So, it was in the buckets with water, spreading its spring aroma around the place. How did Akbar do this? Nobody knows. Great experience and inspiration always give great results.

      When only three days were left before the wedding, Yamiga invited her in-law Ziyafat, who proved herself to be a great expert in the organization of holidays,