Always in the Kitchen at Parties: Simple Tools for Instant Confidence. Leil Lowndes

exposing themselves to scary situations isn’t really the way to get over shyness. It’s only natural to rationalize your way out of something you don’t want to do. But it’s an open and shut case. Hundreds, no, thousands of studies have proven it. The most effective way to get over being shy is to plan personalized exposure situations. Always in the Kitchen at Parties will help you do this. Using these exposure techniques while learning social skills is the magic combo for stamping out shyness.

       Social Anxiety Disorder subjects receiving combination treatment of graduated exposure to fear-provoking situations and learning other-focused social skills improved significantly more on measures of community functioning and therapist ratings than did subjects with any other treatments.2

      I’m sure many people have told you, ‘You’ll just grow out of it’. Are they right? Think about it this way. Simply by living on this earth, you are exposed to more and more situations as the years go by. And, naturally, you pick up social skills along the way. So, in a way they are right.

      But who wants to wait years to shed their shyness? Jump in now. With the help of Always in the Kitchen at Parties, you can start your graduated exposure process immediately. You’ll knock years off your suffering.

the confidence warm-up

      The Energy Crisis

      Researchers at the American Sociological Association scratched their scholarly heads and posed themselves a question: ‘What type of personality are people most drawn to?’

      They got on the case and quickly found the answer: Someone who is energetic and optimistic. Unfortunately these are not the qualities which immediately come to mind when you think of a Shy. In fact, one of the major obvious differences between a Shy and a Sure is energy level.¹

      Here is a way to rev up your engine so no one would ever suspect you’re a Shy.

      First, Become Unglued

      Can you imagine a premiership footballer running onto the pitch without warming up? He’d get slaughtered in the first 10 minutes. Without warming up, a ballerina would hobble home on a toe splint. And a singer, without warming up, would bust a vocal cord. Why should a Shy try to be any different? You need to warm up for confidence.

      Let’s take an average day: You wake up. You clean your teeth. You shower. You get dressed. You eat breakfast. You walk out the door. Now a neighbour spots you. You utter a soft ‘Hello’ and quickly avert your eyes.

      ‘Hmm,’ she thinks, ‘If she looks like a Shy, sounds like a Shy and acts like a Shy, she must be shy.’

      Now let’s change that scenario: You wake up. You clean your teeth. You shower. But this time you only don your pants. Now you look furtively round your bedroom and lock the door. You close the window and draw the curtains so the neighbours can’t hear or see you.

      Of course, you’ve already taken precautions. If you live with people, perhaps your spouse, your flat-mate or kids, you’ve explained your bizarre behaviour. And don’t forget to familiarize the dog with this daily ritual so it doesn’t attack. Now …

SHYBUSTER 3:

       Wake Up Like a Whacko

      Run around the room in your underwear and flap your arms like a demented duck.

      Shout like a crazed football fan.

      Jump up and down like a rabbit on speed.

      Laugh like a lunatic.

      Whirl around like a tornado.

      Fall back on the bed, kick your legs high in the air and shout at the top of your lungs ‘Hoo ha, Hoo ha, Hoo ha. I’m making a fool of myself. And nobody cares!’

      Ahem. Now stand up. Regain your poise. Smooth down your rumpled pants. Finish dressing. Comb your hair. Have a bite of breakfast. Kiss your spouse, kids or the dog goodbye. Now go out the door and greet the world with energy.

      Oh, there’s that nosy neighbour. Since your body, face and voice are warmed up and full of energy, it now feels natural to wave, smile and give a hearty ‘Hello there.’

      ‘Hmm,’ she thinks, ‘If she looks like a Sure, sounds like a Sure, and acts like a Sure, she must be sure of herself.’

      You think I’m kidding about this exercise? Absolutely not! Exploding your energy sky-high in the morning, then letting it settle slightly, works a lot better than trying to haul it up out of a hole.

      Naked Dancing

      When you get really good at the above, start your day by dancing naked in front of the mirror. Then try to act shy!

section II

take the ‘cot test’ to see if you were born shy

      When the Doctor Spanked You Did You Take It Personally?

      Before continuing, you should know the origins of your individual case of shyness so you’ll know the best way to overcome it.

      Are Shys born shy? Yes, some are. Some 20 to 30 per cent of babies are born with a brain chemistry which makes them more apt to become shy.¹ But genes are not your destiny. Nor is there a ‘shy gene’. Scientists haven’t looked into a microscope and said, ‘Ah ha, there’s the little blighter, the shy gene.’

      If you were a sensitive baby (more prone to shyness), it will have shown up early. While you were busy discovering your toes and howling for your bottle, Mum and Dad could have figured out if you were the type of newborn that the shyness bug likes to feast on. Soon after they’d carried their little bundle of joy (that’s you) home, you could have had the ‘cot test’ which replicates that of Philip Zimbardo, the Stanford professor who is considered by many to be the world’s leading shyness researcher.

      Here is all Mum and Dad would have needed. One: A weird toy – maybe a creepy black rubber spider. Two: Something stinky (no, not your own full nappy. That was an everyday fragrance for you). Three: the postman, a next door neighbour, or anyone else you had never met.

      First step: Dangle the hideous toy above you. Watch your reaction.

      Second Step: Wave the stinky stuff under your tiny nose. Watch your reaction.

      Third step: Tell the stranger to say ‘Koochie koo.’ Watch your reaction.

      Zimbardo and Jerome Kagan, a Harvard professor and leading shyness researcher, brought 400 one-month-old infants into their laboratory.² They put a creepy toy in the infant’s cots, gave each a whiff of alcohol, and played a recording of a stranger’s voice for them.

      Almost a third of the babies freaked out, howling and flailing their tiny arms and legs. After their traumatic incident, they clung to a parent tightly. These are the babies who could become ‘Highly Sensitive Shys’ or ‘HSS’.

      In contrast, approximately two-thirds of the infants took it in their stride. They simply shoved the ghastly toy and stinky stuff away and smiled at the sound of the stranger’s voice.

      The researchers’ hypothesis was proven:

       Approximately one-third of babies’ body chemistry