The Soul Workout. Helen H. Moore

mind like a rat. Delivering a check to them would deplete my account severely. It was only three days after payday, and paying what I owed would leave me less than four hundred dollars to live on for almost two weeks. “I should probably call them and see if they'll let me pay them two weeks from now, when I get my next paycheck,” I told myself. I felt proud. Yes, I'd be honest and come clean with them. That sounded like “good program.” I'd tell them I just didn't have the cash on hand to pay them on our agreed-upon due date; surely they'd understand. The problem with that was that I did have the cash on hand. I just didn't have much more than that. I just didn't have as much as I wanted. And I knew it.

      However, I realized I had to be honest—I did have enough money to pay what I owed. I just didn't have enough to do that and buy Starbucks every day for the next two weeks. And cigarettes. And cute shoes. And go to the movies. No, I knew I had to pay what I'd said I would when I would, and I had to have faith that by acting with integrity and doing what I had promised to do, everything (including me) would be okay, just like when I first got into recovery. Working the steps and living according to spiritual principles seems to solve all my other problems.

      Although I had a twinge of mistrustful panic, I went ahead and paid the full monthly payment that day. It was the arrangement I had worked out with the law firm. Even though cheese is four dollars a pound these days, gas is more than two dollars a gallon again, and the power company just filed another rate increase, I know I can live on less than four hundred dollars for two weeks. After all, some working people are raising families on less. My Higher Power has never let me down when I trusted and relied on Him and did what I knew was the next right thing. I decided I would not only have faith, I would act on faith.

      When I sent off the check, the rat stopped gnawing at my brain and my anxiety abated. I had paid what I owed. I had faith that my Higher Power would provide for my needs for the next two weeks. And that's exactly what happened. Not only that, but the law firm arranged for me to meet with the creditor on whose behalf they were working, and as a result of honestly explaining my own part in the problem to that injured party, I received forgiveness, not just of the bulk of my debt to them, but of so much more. I received a measure of relief. This experience taught me a valuable lesson about honesty and trust in my Higher Power.

      The Torah tells the story of Abraham, the patriarch of Israel, as an example of a life lived in absolute trust of a Higher Power. One day Yahweh told Abraham to sacrifice his only son, for whose birth Abraham had waited many long, childless years, and Abraham obeyed, taking the boy high up to the mountaintop where the two usually sacrificed sheep and lambs. The boy, Isaac, had no idea what was about to happen to him, but trusted his father, and carried the wood intended for his own pyre, unaware of what the wood would be used for. He even asked, “Father, what are we going to sacrifice?” when he noted they had brought no sacrificial animal with them. Abraham had no answer for his son. The two kept climbing up to the summit, which was the place of sacrifice. Abraham had faith in Yahweh's direction; he would obey, although his heart was sick with pain and the enormity of what he was about to do.

      I've always been greatly moved by the faith of Abraham, and yet I've always thought Isaac's faith was greater. After all, in the tale, Abraham actually had been instructed by Yahweh, with whom he conversed freely. He had experienced the blessings Yahweh showered on him when he trusted. But Isaac hadn't. Yet he did as his father said, even though it made no sense to him, even though his father was not an omnipotent super-being. Isaac trusted his father absolutely.

      Of course, you know how the story ended. An angel was sent to stop the sacrifice, and a ram miraculously appeared to take Isaac's place. Happy ending.

      I want to have the faith of Isaac and to believe that my Higher Power will never ask more of me than I can give. I want to grow in trust and trustworthiness, as well. That's how I grow my soul.

      THE SOUL WORKOUT

      Let someone else drive. You may very well be the better driver, and you may very well know the way, but once in a while you need to experience having faith in others.

      In situations where you really want a specific outcome and are tempted to manipulate or try to control people or things to get your desired result, just be aware that you are doing this and let go of it. Trust the process.

      Have faith that no matter what happens, you will be okay. You may not get exactly what you want, but perhaps, to your surprise, you may get what you need.

AWARENESS

       Waking Up

      I've heard people say in meetings that twelve-step recovery would be so great if “they didn't mess it up with that spiritual part.” Spiritual part? I hate to break it to them, but there is no spiritual part. It's a spiritual program.

      There is no way to break out the spiritual aspect of twelve-step recovery from the physical, mental, and emotional aspects, any more than there is a way to take the soul out of a person and have him or her live. We've all heard rumors of “zombies,” but they are the stuff of horror and fantasy fiction.

      Granted, many come to recovery “on the outs” with spirituality. Even though they are free to form their own conception of a Higher Power, they remain suspicious. “They say Higher Power, but I know they mean GOD” is their attitude. For many who have bottomed out, it seems that God has been silent, absent, or just plain cruel. How else to explain all the things that have happened to us? How else to explain tsunamis, stillbirths, and war?

      Others have no trouble believing in a Higher Power; however, they believe he / she / it is responsible for all the bad things, like “giving” you cancer or punishing you for enjoying sex by “giving” you an STD. They desire no contact with such a power. Some have had terrible, fear-inducing “religious” upbringings. They fear and hate the very notion of God. And others look at all the inconsistencies religion seems to require they believe, such as the notion that while God created the world and everyone in it, he / she / it created some people with a nature that he (or she, or it) hates. Still others have come to a comfortable understanding that they do not and will not believe in a Higher Power of any kind. They may have faith in the spirit of humanity itself or in the power of nature, but they see no higher intelligence at work and feel no need to believe in one. The idea of God just does not ping on some people's radar. Whatever the reason, many people want no part of spirituality, which is most emphatically not religion or even a Higher Power of their own understanding.

      In my life, I have passed through phases—from deeply held religious beliefs that never helped me resist my addiction or the behavior that stemmed from it, through atheism (all the atheists I knew were tough and cool, and since I was weak and nerdy that seemed like a position I wanted to try on for myself), to an uncomfortable agnosticism, which is fine for some people, but to me it was finally just inauthentic and uncomfortable fence-straddling, because I inwardly longed for a connection with God. To say I was confused and had decided to have no part of spirituality when I entered recovery would be an understatement.

      I was able to put aside the preconceived notions and the prejudices I had toward God or spirituality or even religion in order to “try” twelve-step recovery. Whether you are in a recovery program or not, if you are seeking spiritual connectedness, you can also put aside your preconceived notions and try to remain aware that there just might be a Higher Power, a spirit that moves in you, me, and everyone. You might begin to see that Higher Power at work in your life, as I began to do, and still do today. As my friend Rupert says, he began to realize his Higher Power was working in his life after he stopped dismissing things as “just coincidences” and began looking for his Higher Power's will for him in events and people in his life. A Higher Power doesn't have to go by the name of “God.” It may come in ways you don't expect, but it is more likely to come if you practice awareness.

      Each morning at my home group, the secretary hands a copy of our basic recovery book to a member at random to select a reading, then share on it, and then pass to another member. Recently, one morning, the book was handed to me.