Tails of Recovery. Nancy A. Schenck

me, recovery has been a personal journey of education and growth as I’ve learned to mend my spirit, which was ravaged by my addiction. While remaining abstinent from mind- or mood-altering drugs (including alcohol) is certainly a core component of recovery, it is not only about abstinence. Being in recovery is about becoming consciously aware of self-destructive and self-defeating thoughts and behaviors and replacing those behaviors with healthy, growth-enhancing ways of relating to oneself, others, and to the world. As a result, recovery takes strength and courage to pursue and to maintain on a daily basis.

      While recovery is simple, it is sometimes hard to understand because it is filled with paradoxes. I must surrender in order to win. I live “just for today” so I may enjoy tomorrow. I admit powerlessness to become empowered. I give so I may receive.

      In thousands of meeting rooms of countless twelve-step programs, one can find a tiny microcosm of society. Sitting in chairs set up in circles or at conference tables are creative art directors, students, nurses, carpenters, CEOs, loan advisors, fast-food restaurant servers, musicians, ballet dancers, writers, unemployed real estate agents, millionaires, ex-convicts, customer service representatives, husbands, partners, wives, children, grandchildren, and pretty much anyone else you can think of. They all share the hope recovery brings. Just as no one is exempt from the enormous power of addiction, recovery can be an omnipotent answer to its devastation for nearly everyone.

      For years, Derrick was the director of a successful treatment program. He was blessed with a beautiful job, a beautiful family, a beautiful wife, and a beautiful home. He had it all—including an addiction that told him he was a loser and a fraud and didn’t deserve anything beautiful. Filled with self-hatred and an appetite for destruction, Derrick clung to his addiction like it was a high-priced call girl who answered his every desire. After getting clean and into recovery, Derrick learned a valuable lesson about self-acceptance from his wise teacher, Sunny, a “passionate purveyor of positive regard and present-centeredness!” Here is the story in his own words.

      SUNNY

      Like so many recovering addicts, I’ve found my first eighteen months clean have been rather eventful. It has been a time filled with significant losses and unexpected gifts. Recovery has given me the opportunity to rediscover interests and activities that were an important part of my life until my active addiction hijacked my priorities and my world became smaller and smaller. Returning to pursuits such as writing and playing sports have been healing and joyful, though certain activities require continual self-reminders that I’m no longer twenty-five, thirty-five, or even forty.

      Active addiction left considerable wreckage in its wake and I’ve faced some serious challenges. I’ve struggled to find work in my chosen field and my wife of more than twenty years and I divorced, a move that turned the worlds of our teenage daughters upside down and focused their anger squarely at me. My path of recovery is not just about learning how to live without drugs, but includes repairing the damage caused by my addiction. In the process, I hope to unearth my true self and fulfill the potential with which I’ve been graced.

      My recovery involves working a twelve-step program built on a foundation of spiritual principles. These principles include being present-centered, or staying in the moment, and maintaining an unwavering attitude of affirmative regard for myself and others. The most compelling model I have of these spiritual principles is my dog, Sunny. Actually, Sunny (a five-year-old chow chow mix) is my youngest daughter’s. The dog lives with her and my ex-wife. You could say she’s my “ex-dog”; however, I still see her regularly.

      Sunny is always happy to see me although my ex-wife is not always thrilled, and my daughter is often ambivalent. Nevertheless, Sunny is always excited when I’m around. She sprints to press against me and wags her tail at high velocity, yipping and yelping joyfully all the while. Sunny’s interactions with me were unfailingly uplifting, supportive, and validating. No therapist could have provided a more healing environment. She provided much, and asked for little. In other words, when I felt worthless and even contemptible, her never-ending love and affection told me I was okay in her eyes.

      Prior to my active addiction, my life was marked by experiences of feeling inadequate and not good or worthy enough. Getting high changed my feelings, at least briefly, and helped me feel whole temporarily. This was a short cut that ultimately led to my dead end thirty-five years later when the consequences of my addiction reached a point where I knew I had to seek help and find a different way to live.

      During most of my active addiction, I was a very responsible member of society with a loving family. In spite of the trappings of social acceptability and professional success over many years, the chronic “dis-ease” I felt vise-gripped me by the throat, threw me to the floor, and put me in a sleeper hold. It seemed the harder I struggled against the disease, the deeper I sank into the quicksand of discontent and false selfhood. Paradoxically, as my addiction progressed, I sought solace in the substances of my own destruction. At some point, using drugs for me became a vicious circle of cause and effect. I used drugs to dull the pain; yet using drugs created only more pain and drove me to use even more. The further I got from the truth of my addiction, the more distant I became from those I loved most dearly—my wife and children, who needed and deserved so much more than I gave them during that time.

      HEALTH BENEFITS OF PETS

      In recent years, science has uncovered that pets benefit us in more ways than just the love and companionship they offer; pets are also good for our health. Several studies have confirmed that companion animals help reduce psychological stress, anxiety, fear, and nervous disorders.

      A 2001 study by the US National Institutes of Health found that people who have pets make fewer doctor visits and also are more likely to be alive one year after being treated for a coronary condition. Research continues to confirm significant health benefits pets provide, such as lowering blood pressure, reducing depression, and protection from heart disease.

      Pet owners agree that their animals offer health benefits. According to a 2002 survey by the American Animal Hospital Association (AAHA), 92 percent of people who have pets are convinced their health is improved by having them around. Seventy-six percent feel their pets lower their stress levels. And, 31 percent believe their pets keep them more physically fit.

      As in any equation, the less love and nurturing I put into my relationships with my family, the less they had to give me in return; only my needs were bottomless, and their detachment only verified what I already “knew”— that I was worthless. What I needed was unconditional love, but I know now that my addiction made it impossible for anyone to give that to me. (Even if they had, I wouldn’t have been able to receive it.) Sunny came to my rescue.

      Her unconditional love is manifest. She is the incarnation of unconditional love and encouraging regard. In learning, growing, and healing in recovery, I hope to become as good a person as Sunny already thinks I am. Contact with her reminds me I am worthy of love and deserving of self-acceptance. As a result, one day at a time I am discovering the person I was intended to be and uncovering the true self that’s been waiting to greet me.

      Sunny also is state-of-the-art in being present-centered, that is, staying in the moment—this moment—right here, right now. She is neither focused on what has already happened, nor what could potentially happen in the future. Sunny is simply here, now, looking forward to whatever this very moment may offer. There are many ways in which being present-centered, also known as mindfulness, promotes health, healing, and recovery. Staying in the moment provides sanctuary from the poisonous prison of the past, as well as from fatalistic fantasies of the future. For me, it bestows respite from past resentments, as well as freedom from fear of the unknown.

      WHAT IS

      MINDFULNESS

      MEDITATION?